I'm sorry

"So Ni, you're staying over?" Louis asks me, snapping me out of my thoughts. I look at him and nod, unable to hide the guilt in my look.

No, I'm not feeling guilty about staying over, I stay over all the time. I feel guilty about something else, something I've been doing... or thinking or feeling for quite some time now. It eats me up from the inside in multiple ways.

All of the lads, plus all the girlfriends are hanging at Lou's recently bought house as a sort of house-warming. It's not a party, we're just hanging out and Lou showed us around. We're set in the living room, everybody catching up with each other. I've been really quiet, which is very unlike me. The reason I've been so quiet is because I've been doing something strictly forbidden and I don't want to get any attention while doing so. As usual, Liam notices there's something off about me. So when Louis has gone to let Zayn and Perrie out, he turns to me. "Hey Nialler, d'you think we can chat for a bit?" He asks, standing up and signaling for me to follow him. I reluctantly do as he told me and step into kitchen with him, glad that the others don't really seem to notice our movements.

"So, what's up with you?" He asks once he has closed the door. "Nothing, why?" I lie. I've perfected the art of lying by now, heck, I lie every day. But Liam sees through my mask. "Just tell me, you know you can." He says, a bit annoyed with my reluctance. And I know I can, I know I could tell Liam anything without him judging me, he'd always try to help me out. "I'd rather not here..." I say softly, somehow suddenly longing to spill everything to Liam. "Do you want to stay at my place tonight?" Liam suggests, hope in his voice. "Well, I just promised Lou I'd stay here..." I mumble. "I'm sure he won't mind, Ni. It's up to you, do you want to tell me what's wrong?" Liam says, looking at me expectantly. I take a deep breath, realizing what I'm getting myself into, and nod. Liam squeezes my shoulder softly and smiles, turning to find Louis. I trail after him, keeping my eyes on the floor.

"Hey, Lou? I'm kidnapping Nialler here." Liam announces nonchalant. "What? Why?" I can imagine the soft frown that lays on his face. Confused, but not at all worried since it's Liam, and Liam can't harm anybody even if he tried. "We-uh," Liam glances over to me and I try to stay neutral. "I just don't think I spend enough time with my little leprechaun." Liam jokes, pulling me into a head-lock and ruffling my hair. I let it all happen, my mind already racing about how I'm supposed to tell Liam this all. "Well, okay. Have... fun?" Lou questions, unsure how to react at Liam's pathetic excuse. "Dani, could we get going?" Liam asks, his voice getting that sweet tone it only gets when he talks to her. I look up to see her reaction and to get out of Liam's uncomfortable embrace and immediately realize I made a big mistake. I feel my stomach twist and I quickly drop my gaze back down, wrestling myself out of Liam's arms.

I feel relieved when we settle on a wave instead of individual hugs as a goodbye, quickly slipping into my jacket and out of the door. Liam and Danielle trail behind me and I hear soft whispers, not even trying to catch on to what they're saying. I get into the backseat of Liam's car, feeling like a little child that gets driven everywhere by its parents. I stare out of the window as Liam drives, the car filling with a silence. They think I don't notice, but I do. I do notice the glances they exchange and the facial expressions which they use to communicate. I do notice it all, I just choose to ignore it and focus on forming coherent sentences in my mind that can explain how I feel.

It doesn't take long to get to Liam's apartment and when we get in, Danielle quickly makes herself scarce. Liam smiles softly at me and leads me to his couch, sitting next to me but turning to face me. "So, what's going on?" Liam asks, voice soft and inviting. I sigh deeply, trying to get all of my despair out of my system. I try to find a way to start the subject, to slowly lead up to the big problem that's been haunting me for months now.