Unpredictable

San Fransico

I don't know, it's like I have no one to turn to. I am truly my father's child. From my anger to people only calling me because they want something. Out of all my siblings I think I'm my parents combined together. Everything that they are and that I don't want to be I am. Like my father I run to my mom about everything. But unlike him she can't help me. I look at my life and am tired of feeling sorry for myself, tired of always looking for someone's approval, for someone's love. I try my hardest to stay the little child, but I need to let it go and grow up and realize that I'm 21 not 16. Whether I look it or not. That's what I should do, but I really doubt that I'll do it. I look around and see all these happy people and try to figure out how to be them. I so badly want to be one of those happy people. I just can't figure out how, how to make myself happy. I want what they have, a family that loves you unconditionally and a career that I love. I want a reason to get up every morning, a reason to go home. I really don't even care if my career is taking care of my home, and children while my lover works. I'm tired of being depressed, but putting a smile on so no one knows how I feel. Not only am I like my father, but I am also like my mother. I realize that I run my mouth a lot. Now I can hold hot water, but I do talk a lot depending on who I'm talking to. One the many things I hate about myself is when I talk to people they don't listen. It's like I'm a ghost. I could tell someone what I plan on doing but they wouldn't listen. I could say it over a microphone that's hooked to speakers for everyone around the world to hear it but wouldn't nobody listen. I guess me doing all this is pointless because if they didn't listen to me when I was in their face what makes me think they'll listen to me when I'm not in their face. The whole point of this is that one person in a billion, that I haven't found, to be able to know me, the real me. Some of the things I think, how I feel about certain situations, basically to have a real idea of who I am, good and bad.

My name is Shawn Jay, I was born April 20, 1992 in Los Angeles, California. I've done good and bad during my lifetime. What I realize now is that no matter how much control some one has of you, they really don't have any control of you because in the end they're not God. So they can't choose whether you live or die. They may cause you pain but in the end you have to realize that God has you going through that pain for a reason. God's showing you something. Now I know that, but I'm not at that point where I learned the lesson, I know the lesson by heart, but I haven't learned. The lesson I'm talking about is the fact that I don't need no human on this earth to listen to me and what I have to say because all I need is God. God's always there to listen to me, whether I state who I'm talking to or not. What I just realized is that the voice I hear in my head is God talking to me. Now not everybody's lessons are the same, or even hear God the same way. I hear God when I'm supposed to. Only God has control over me, and what I do, full control. Now I believe when people commit suicide or try to and don't succeed it's a part of God's plan. If it's time for you to go be with your maker, then no matter how you got there you got there. But if it's not your time to be with your maker no matter how you try you won't succeed. I've been in situations, not committing suicide, but where I could of been dead and with God but it wasn't time for me to go. An example of this is one year I was outside with my family on the fourth of July. We were popping firecrackers, and I wasn't looking toward the street, but my niece was and she saw this guy pointing a gun at us. But instead of pulling the trigger they pulled off. Another example is a couple years ago my car broke down on Normandie and 24th, across the street from this church. My mom, sister, niece, and I were in the car. My mom and I pushed the car right in front of the church and waited for AAA. While we were waiting for them, we kept trying to start the car, but it never started. When AAA got there, me and the guy were looking under the hood. We had my mom try and start the car when gas shoot out at us. So, he towed the car to my dad's house. The next day my dad was looking at it when it did the same thing and he told me that we were lucky because the car was supposed to blow up. Now that I think about it whatever God has planned for me I haven't done it yet, or not finished.

You know what this is pointless. I've told someone at my job what I wanted to do, but like everyone else she didn't believe me. The thing is I can't take this anymore. I don't want to be around people who wants to use me to get over on people. I know you have an idea of what I plan on doing. And I don't care anymore. Only God can judge me, and knows how and what I'm feeling.

I'm done, tired of living in the past. I'm tired of being mad and depressed about what happened and what didn't happen in my life growing up. I moved here to San Francisco to get away but it seems like my troubles follow me every where I go. The real reason I wrote this was to try and convince myself that I didn't need or have to do this. To make myself realize that there are people out there that would miss me. But all I did was show myself that I don't. No kids, nobody that's mine. I have nothing, and no one. If there was or is someone out there for me, that would give me a reason to wake up, work my ass off and come home to. I'm sorry I'm not the right person for you cause I was to impatient to wait for you so I don't deserve you. If I would have got you, I would have probably chased you off. I can't do this!