When You're Ready

chapter 5

We were all in the office conference room. 

When did we get here? 

I looked over to my right and Thomas was sitting right there texting on his phone. I looked around the room and it looked like we were waiting for a presentation to start. 

Fuck, we had a presentation and I wasn't prepared? So I'm fucked basically. 

I looked down at the desk and there was a folder with my name on it. I looked inside and it was all the information for the new show we were just starting with Shawn. 

"Thomas, are you prepared for this presentation?"  I asked as I was reading through the first episode. 

I looked over to him as he didn't respond and he wasn't there. Where the fuck did he go? 

I looked around the room again and everyone was gone.

Then I saw a man start walking in the hallways towards this room. With the frosted glass walls, I couldn't be sure. Okay that should be Thomas. 

But this guy was taller. 

I started to wheel my chair away from the table so I could leave. As my ass left the seat, it sits back down just as quick. 

There he was. Shawn was walking towards me in a blue suit with a file in his hand. 

My heart fell out of my body in that second. 

I just shook my head and got up from my chair to leave the room.

No way in hell am I facing him all by myself. 

"Nicole wait." He set the file on the table. 

I didn't say a thing. I just went for the door. Right before I was able to push open the glass door, he grabbed my upper arm and pulled me towards him. 

It felt like his hand burned me. 

Next thing I know I was pinned against the wall. 

My eyes shot open and I was sweating my ass off. My heartbeat was at an unhealthy pace. 

My hand searched my sheets for my phone. I checked the time and winced at the semi bright screen. It was 4:26am. Fucking awesome. 

What the fuck was that dream? All of a sudden, the mention of his name triggers dreams? For fucks sake. 

I rubbed my eyes and yawned.  Fuck man hopefully it doesn't take me long to go back to sleep. 

I looked at Mango on his bed and he was fast asleep. His little snores always calmed me down.

I got out of bed to change out of my soaked t-shirt and underwear and made a mental note to change my sheets when I got home later. I was too hot for a blanket so laying on top of the cover helped to bring my body temperature a teeny bit lower. I looked over at him again and I couldn't help but smile.

"Mango what I would do to switch places with you." I was greeted with a snore and I laughed. At least I have this amazing specimen be my emotional support. 

-

"How did you sleep?" Thomas snickered as we met at the cafeteria in our building for breakfast. After dropping Mango with my sister, I didn't have time to eat or make anything. I'm currently in line with a lot of my other coworkers who were in the same situation. 

I loved our cafeteria. It has a lot of options, like a smaller version of a buffet. We also had a Peet's Coffee, but I hardly ever ordered any. The times I do I'm either craving the taste or I'm about to do overtime. Which is rare. I have a son waiting for me, so I'd take it home. 

Coffee just makes me feel like shit so I'd rather not. If I really need the energy, I'd rather get a sugar free Red Bull. 

"That is a question for after my first bite of food." This morning was interesting to say the least. I hit snooze twice on my phone and then I didn't know what to wear and my hair wasn't cooperating. I was so frustrated, but it was like Mango could feel my distress. He'd sit in the bathroom while I was doing the finishing touches and I was super calm by the end. That puppy has saved me more times than I can count. 

"Damn that bad? I'll pray for you my child." He put his hand to my forehead, to bless me and I laughed.

"Thanks dude. But no not that bad. I was just trying to emotionally prepare, but there's only so much preparation for something like this." I thanked Helen for putting eggs on my plate and moved on to Oscar with hashbrowns. We got the rest of our food and moved onto the drinks. 

I grabbed an orange juice, some utensils, napkins and went to an empty table. With Thomas behind me.

I set my hydro down first, then followed with the tray holding all of my food. As we sat down, he asked, "I don't think you really can emotionally prepare to see someone who once held so much meaning to you. It just happens and then we deal with the emotions that bubble up after." He opened his water bottle and took a sip before moving onto his hashbrowns.

I nodded after I took a bite of my eggs. "I know. I know I can't intellectualize this. I know. It's just my first instinct to make it as normal as possible and to think my way out of feeling something. But this is different. Solely based on how unpredictable it is. I can't gauge what my reaction would be to seeing his face, let alone talking to him." I took another bite to distract me from feeling my heart slowly pick up again. 

"I understand. I can see how much this affects you, but I also know how professional you are. So no matter what the situation makes you feel like, you're going to be in control until you eventually get to unleash with some bong rips at home." I laughed at that last part. He is so right too. 

"You got that right." Then it was my turn to open my orange juice. I took a sip and went for the side of fruit. Before I took a bite, I stared at the cantaloupe on my fork. 

"I just want it over with. It's like this looming cloud over me and I can't seem to shake it off. It follows me everywhere I go. This sense of dread that I know I can't get rid of until I see him." All of this anxiety makes me feel like I'm 16 again. My years in therapy allowed me the time and patience to learn what makes me tick and how to reel myself back when I overthink, but this is a totally different ball game. It's like going into the arena with a bull. You just know it won't end well. 

"I know seeing him is going to shake your world, but you are more than your past. Look at the life you alone created. You didn't get this job, your apartment, your life because you used to know him. You're here solely because of you. If that doesn't show you how great you are now, I'm not sure other things will." That almost gave me a breath of fresh air. Like I was about to start an asthma attack and someone found my inhaler. 

"Don't make me cry now. My makeup won't last." I did feel a lot better, but that cloud was still there. It wasn't as big and scary anymore, but it's there. I acknowledge it and hopefully, as the day goes on, I'll be able to blow it away.