why are you drinking again? you know why, but you dont want to admit it, let alone think about it. it means you didnt change the way you thought you did.
why dont you love yourself? you know how unlovable you are. you know that no man would ever want more than just your body. and you know this, so why do you keep giving yourself away? is it because its the only thing truly lovable about you; your body?
men will say anything they can to get what they want. they learn things about you, just to use them against you to manipulate you over and over again until you're nothing. youre just a shell of the vibrant person you used to be.
"youll never find someone like me", "no one will put up with you like i do", "youre such a bitch, why do you think anyone would ever truly love you?"
theyll hit you in all the right places to truly break you down and numb you. youll no longer recognize the person in the mirror, you wont feel like yourself, and you wont recognize the voice that comes out of your mouth; "i wont do it again", "im sorry for looking through your phone", "ill do better next time", and most of all, you wont recognize the silence that comes out either. why were you silent when he called your mom a bitch, your brother a faggot, your dad an alcoholic, or call you a whore, a slut, a cunt, a pushover. "you're acting like your dad.", "do you really wanna be like your mom?"
he'll beg you for sex over and over again until you finally give in because what if he leaves if you dont give it to him? what if he wont love you for you? so you give in, like you always do, and he wants you to enjoy it, he wants a reaction. but he doesnt care that there are tears. so many tears.
youll have a panic attack the first time you see all the other women on his phone. he'll say sorry. you know how apologetic he is. he'll buy you flowers finally, he'll shower you with love. and it'll all end when you dont look sad anymore. and then you'll get that familiar anxious feeling that he's talking to other women again. he's jerking off to other women again. and the cycle continues over and over and over again until you dont react. you dont recognize this version of you either. youre submissive now, and you believe him now when he says that no one will love you like he does.
five years later, you meet a guy while youre dating the other guy, and he'll make you somehow believe that you actually can do better, that there are shockingly normal men on earth. he loves to talk to you, he talks to you every chance he can, he loves your smile, he adores your laugh, he wants to make you his, but he cant because you belong to his friend. his friend who punches holes in the walls when you get anxious. his friend who screams in your face, his friend who pulls on your hair so hard he's basically dragging you. you belong to his friend who has shattered you down into pieces, and puts you in danger when he drives. he knows youre hurting, but theres nothing he can do. he lives in a different state. he loves you but is forced to turn away. you love him, but what are you supposed to do? youre not submissive anymore. youre mean, youre cold, and youre closed off. no one wants to love you, because you wont even give them the time of day.
somehow, even though you're shattered pieces of yourself, even though you never want to trust anyone again, you have so many walls around your heart, you find the courage somewhere in you to leave him. and you make your way back to your friend, who almost immediately says he loves you, he missed you, and wants to marry you. he wants to make sure you have the glasses you need to see, he wants to make sure you get home safe, he sends you songs that remind him of you. hes so in love with you. and even though youre terrified, youre so terrified to love again, you find safety in him. he is your home, just like youre his home. he finds safety in you, and trusts you. because hes been hurt too, and hes learning to love again just like you are. and you decide that yes, you want to spend the rest of your life with this man. and he reminds you every day that he cant wait to make you his wife, and have children with you. you never thought this would be possible. i thought you werent lovable? i thought men only wanted you for sex? so whats this? he doesnt want to have sex with you before marriage? men like this exist? he doesnt want to talk to other women? he doesnt want to watch porn or have a threesome? but thats what men are like, right? this is too good to be true.
so you self sabotage. you push him away. you hate yourself, you start drinking again because why would he be any different? do you think either of you changed? hes a man. hes just a man. he isnt special. hes just like the rest. youre in your head again, and youre crying, youre sobbing because youre scared again. and then he texts you, and you find yourself pushing him away. but youre reminded yet again that he isnt just a man. because he wont allow you to push him away. he doesnt want anybody else. he wants you. and he wants to call you on his way to work and laugh with you like you always have. and his laugh makes your tears disappear. his voice brings that beautiful smile back. and his voice allows you to finally breathe. so you laugh with him, because your laugh makes everything better for him. he loves you. let him be good to you, because he has been hurt too, and he deserves love. so be good to him.
this time, it's different.
