Him
I'd sit in my room listening in,
Once the door opened I knew that was it,
He'd shout my name and have a go,
I didn't do anything wrong?.
I'd walk downstairs feeling scared,
He'd look at me with piercing eyes,
He'd Shout at me for being lazy,
He'd say I look a complete state,
And that I've put on weight.
He'd poke my stomach and call me fat,
He'd say look at That pot belly you have,
I'd look at the floor and say nothing.
In my head, I was sick of life.
I'd knock a glass and that was that,
He'd throw a fit,
And say the house looked a state,
And ask why dinner wasn't made.
I'd breathe to heavy and he'd ask why my life was so hard and heavy?,
He'd said he gave me everything,
He provided for me.
The necessities of a child was provided,
I'm sorry that you had to give basic essentials,
I was a child.
I didn't ask, I was born and that was that.
You asked for my phone and I said no,
You stood on my foot,
You took me to the floor,
And refused to back off.
I cried for help and no one came,
You hurt me.
My arm was brusied and I was left.
You went downstairs i paced in my room.
I was self soothing.
I wanted to smash everything up,
But I was to scared you'd hurt me again,
I couldn't run nor hide,
Because I'd have to come back to you.
You never apologised,
I was thrown to the floor,
And left with marks,
Your intention was to hurt me.
My fear turned to anger,
You shouted at me for constantly being late,
So I took a pair of scissors,
And left marks deep in my arm
It's what I deserved.. I believed.
The warm fuzzy feeling,
Made me feel safe, and secure.
I was self soothing.
I pulled myself together and walked downstairs.
You said see you later love you,
That love never felt real,
Yet I still cry wanting a hug from you.
A hug wouldn't do anything besides make me uncomfortable.
The vibe you give off makes me feel uneasy,
You aren't a normal person,
We clash against each other,
You scared me but not anymore.
What scares me is other people find you uneasy,
Yet nobody said anything about you,
Besides that you were loving and caring.
That wasnt true that was fake.
I grew up with a controlling father,
An emotional abuser,
I was taught it was his way of no way.
You controlled eveything,
When I wouldn't tell you something,
You'd kick off and take your anger out on me,
I was your punching bag.
I call you dad,
But dad means nothing to me it's just another word,
I feel guilty for everything even tho I've done nothing wrong,
I believe I crave a father figure that loves me,
I'll never fully be able to have that feeling,
You had that chance and you ruined it.
