When i was younger; ive always wanted a sibling. An older one specifically.
I remember my mother telling me a small story of my would-be brother, named Paris.
Due to an early and complicated birth, he quickly passed away after being born.
I think he would of been 15 or 16.
Anyway, i met a boy. A little different then me, but he shares most of my ideas and sense of humor. We talk often, and hang out sometimes, and hes a very loyal and trusting person. I love him, i truly do, and i know he does aswell. But sometimes i doubt the extent of it, despite knowing what im thinking probably isnt true.
Nowadays, with my ongoing issues. I find it hard for me to express how im fully feeling with people, due to the fear they may leave, hurt, or get annoyed with me. (And my constant negativity) though, he didnt do any of that. Suprisingly. It was shocking, really. But even then i still find it hard to properly go to others about my issues,
even the ones i trust the most. Remember when i said i had always wanted an older brother when i was younger? Well, i forgot to mention that i never had a father there for me either. And i always wanted that.
My father was basically a druggie. I remember only really saw him outside of my grandmas house. And that was really it.
Thats actually the last memory i do have of him: going to my grandmas, seeing him infront of the gate, and pathway that led inside.. and me running to him with open arms as he picked me up and kissed me.
Ill never forget the gross feeling of odd prickly kiss from someone with a mustache/beard.
But it was my father.. and i loved him.
I remember being young, before asking for a brother. I hadnt seen my father in a while. And i told my mom "i remember what he looks like!" And proceeded to draw a photo of how i remembered him. I think it was something like, beard, mustcahe, dirty coat, and jeans. Thats how i remember him.
I suppose, not having a male role model has ruined my life in some way.
After my mom started to have boyfriends. I found myself desperately seeking + wanting their attention, one felt like my father. His name was deshawn hardaway. But he was the worst of all my mothers boyfriends. And abused her horribly.
I remember going on a father snd childs date thing at school. He came with me. And alot of kids i knew, always came up to me and asked. "Id that your dad?" Is that your dad.. why wouldn't he be? Is what i always wondered in response. But there was always a pit in my stomach when i told them No. And how he was just my mothers boyfriend.
Wanting a male, or boy. To validate my feelings and love me (doesnt matter how) was hard. Espessially at a young age, and being so out of touch with my femininity. Alot of boys didnt even want to look at me. So i blocked out the feeling or want for a male companion, and bond.
Which i did for a while until it started to resurface again in 2020 and continued up until now.
Now. I find myself seeking and quietly urging for that attention from my friend. And its embarrassing. I find myself feeling weird. Or intimidated by the act of just talking to him more nowadays. I feel like a fan.
Everyday i feel like.. im stepping on eggshells. Though none never break im still haunted by the fact it may happen.
Id never tell him this in person, as i feel. It may be weird, Or cross boundaries, so i tend to just. Be quiet when it comes to this.
Ive.. never had an older brother before. So i often feel. Scared that something will happen, im afraid of getting attached just to be abandoned like every other time. Ive mever had an appropriate role model before. Despite seeing him as equal to me, more often then not i see him as someone to look up too, i genuinely see him. As my older brother. Truly.
I find myself reminiscing about doing the childlike things, me or younger me always wanted to do with my own big brother.
Sleeping in bunk beds
Matching pajamas,
Staying up late when we arent supposed too,
Riding bikes together
Having childlish bickers with eachother
And sleeping in the back of a carseat after a long day of just.. being kids.
Everytime im with him, my inner child heals just a little. I want to hug my brother, i want to kiss my brother i want to be the little sister whos reliable trust worthy, and fun. I feel safe, with him.
But again. Im scared of crossing boundries, and taking chances to see the line of said boundries. Im scared. Im scared. Im scared.
Honestly, see this as a.. formal apology for any weird or crazed behavior. Because.. its likely me being nervous. Attatchment issues arent nice. Im.. only writing this because im slightly ashamed. And embarrassed.
Eithet way. Even if we dont share that complete relationship.. ill be okay i think. Ill still love him a brother, because he IS my brother. Nothing more, and never less.
I love my brother. And his Name is Tyler.
