Whispers of farewell

Last chapter of my life

There was she.. and there was no one there for her. And she was always there for everyone. Doesn't matter if it was the death of a family member, a break up, an illness, or any other reason.  Typical things people often describe depressed people with. But she wasn't depressed.  Although maybe she was.. Just that her psychologist told her she has depressive and anxiety disorder, and her psychiatrist said she has adjustment disorder. But they always could be wrong in their diagnosis.  Just by fact that she told them just one story (the one that affected her well-being the most, but it was only one.. of many others) and not for example, fact that she has suicidal thoughts. Since she was 13, she has two dreams in life. First is that she'd get adopted by someone.  She doesn't care if they're rich or poor, pretty or ugly. She just wants a happy family where there's someone who cares for her and loves her and where she values. Just a bit. And to live as far as she could from her family house. She'll be 17 soon. Still in the same family, still in the same house. This building never felt like home to her.

- 17th June 2023 - she said to herself while writing down today's date in the upper right corner of the paper. She just wrote another "page from diary" which was just loose sheets of paper hidden in one folder. There she was describing her day and feelings, mainly negative emotions. It was her kind of therapy. She started doing that two years before her first session. Then she reached out for another sheet of paper and started to write a letter. When she finished writing she looked at the letter once again, she had tears in her eyes - It's my third one this year and it's only June - she folded letter in four with a sign and got up from table she was sitting at - I feel like my end is coming

She left the house silently. It was near the summer break and she should be playing with her friends outside. But she didn't have a group of friends, just one friend was enough for her but she was out of town that time. Even if her friend was there, she probably would prefer to spend time alone. Not because she didn't like her, but she just preferred to be alone. She was walking towards the river like always. While looking at all these happy kids, she felt even more sad and helpless. Why are they happy and I can't? What did I do to deserve this? She walked onto the bridge and looked around. Not many people around, no one will notice if I jump, she thought. Then she looked in the sky and started to wonder if I die, would anyone notice? - I guess we have to find out - she said

She climbed onto the bridge fence and looked around once again. Then she took her phone out of her pocket and texted her only friend a message with two words, "I'm sorry". She then texted her parents with a longer message: "Read the letter, it's on the desk in my room." She turned off the phone and put it next to her feet. - I'm free now! - she yelled and jumped off the bridge into the river. It was a deep river, so water splashed when she felt. Some people who heard her rushed to help. But it was too late. She was already dead. If they looked on the screen of her phone, they could see 58 missed calls and 72 messages from her only friend. None of her parents.

Two months later, her parents finally read the message she texted them. They didn't even know about the funeral that was three day after the tragedy. They slowly walked into her room and took the letter. It was a short one. This time. She was just too tired to write a longer one. If they would look around her room, they would find another two she wrote this year. Each for about a thousand words. She wrote only a few words in the letter

"I'm finally free. I know you wouldn't feel a difference after I'm gone, so please don't pretend. Maybe in heaven, I'll feel loved by someone
                                                        Ali"
- Fly high little angel. I'm sorry I didn't make you feel loved - said her mother crying and she walked out of her now dead daughter. Her father left right after with words - Fly high kid -