Ich Liebe Dich, Lena ~ pt 2

☆ Thirty-One ☆

"Okay, I found a few options. I can email them and see how they go?" He said. I was just shaking. I hated this idea so much.

"mhm" I said.

"Baby, I'll be right here with you every step of the way, okay?" he said.

"I'm dreading this so much... you know how much childhood trauma I got from therapy"

"I know it can be tough, love, but sometimes these things are necessary for healing. Just remember, you don't have to do it alone. I'll be right by your side every step of the way, okay?" He said. My leg was completely shaking. I was squeezing the sleeves of my hoodie. "Baby, you don't have to be scared"

"but I am scared... I don't know how to open up to new people at all... it's bad enough with me trying to open up to you"

"It's okay to be scared, but you don't have to face this alone. I'm here for you, and I promise I won't let anything hurt you. Just take it one step at a time" he said. I was shaking so bad and I was biting my lip so hard that it felt like it was bleeding. He put his hand on my thigh and squeezed it. "Feel that? That's me, right here with you" he said.

"yeah... I'm just really trying to hold back from hurting myself or you right now..." I said. I started to get a whistle in my breathing. I was literally so close to an anxiety and asthma attack. Lando already had my inhaler in my pocket and he helped me take it. He put Mirabella down on the couch and took my hoodie off for me because he could tell I was getting hot from the approaching anxiety attack.

"I'm here for you, baby. Let's just take it one step at a time" he said. I couldn't handle it. I ran for the door but Lando got me in his arms and held me tight. "Shhh... it's okay, sweetheart. I've got you. Let's just take deep breaths together" he said while rubbing my back as I started to break down in his arms.

"I can't..." i whispered

"Shhhh... I've got you. Just focus on your breathing and let me hold you. You're safe with me" he said.

"I can't keep going, Lan... I'm so close to running off the edge of a cliff..."

"I know it feels like that, love. But remember, we're in this together. I won't let you fall"

"I just can't... why can't you just let me die...?"

"I'm sorry, baby, but I can't do that. You mean too much to me to just let you go. Please don't talk like that"

"why... why can't you just let me die...?"

"Because I've seen the light in your eyes when you talk about your dreams, and the way you laugh when we share a joke. You're my world, and I can't imagine it without you"

"I'm not your world... unless your world is living hell..."

"No, my world isn't a living hell. But it would be a much darker place without you in it. You're my light, my love. I can't lose you"

"I can't keep going... you seriously will be happier without me..."

"That's where you're wrong, sweetheart. You're the one who makes my life worth living. You're the one who makes me feel invincible, even when I'm at the edge of a cliff. You're my victory, my heart, and my home"

"I'm not... you're lying..."

"I'm not lying, darling. I've tasted the bitterness of loneliness before, and it's nothing compared to the sweetness you bring into my life. You're my soulmate, and I'll fight for you until my last breath"

I fell asleep shortly after that. When I woke up I took the opportunity. Lando was asleep or so I found. I got up and started making my way to the bathroom but then I felt his arms around me. He knew what I was going to do. He held me back for ages and I lost it. I turned around and smacked him across the face.

"no no no no... I hit you..." I said while watching him with his hand on his cheek. I felt like shit.

"It's okay, baby. You didn't mean to. I'm okay. I'm not mad" he said. I didn't believe him.

"I'm the worst..." I said before running into the bathroom. I looked everywhere but all our razors were gone. I ran out of the bathroom and into the kitchen. The knives were locked away. My pocket knife was gone. I couldn't cut myself.

"Lena, please stop. You're not thinking clearly right now. Just let me help you" he said. He tried to reach out to me but I just kept backing away into the corner. "Lena, please. Let's talk about this. We can find another way to deal with our problems. I promise I won't let anything hurt you again" he said. I went crazy again. I smacked him again and then broke down again. I was in the corner of the room in a ball. I tried to speak but my brain wouldn't let me. He picked me up and took me to our bed. Mirabella was already in her crib. We were sitting in silence. I tried everything to speak but no words were coming out. My anxiety took over.