Pushed to be Perfect

Chapter 1: Inner thoughts

I breathe in.

I exhale out.

I can't see what's in front of me. I'm running, escaping from eternal darkness and trying to avoid a life I can imagine right before my very feet. No matter how far I run, it always comes back in the light.

It's none other than my shadow. 

The very thing that has accompanied me through thick and thin.

 The only thing I can look at during times of despair and see that something that happens doesn't just affect me. And that very thing, is what I was running from now.

It's a dream. I know it is. I've been in this experience before. Once in reality, but countless in my head. I feel like I'm falling. I have no control whatsoever and it feels like what's become of my life has been a reflection of other people's choices and mine being just something that is used to execute actions with push and pull at the will of others.

I hear the sounds of sirens, and see red and blue flashing through my eyelids as I lie in a car, unaware of anything around me, and my consciousness slipping into a deeper and deeper state until a point where there was nothing I could see, hear, feel, or think.

BACKSTORY (...9 years ago)

"TAKE COVER!" my mother screams from the other side of the road as she holds my dripping mint chocolate chip ice cream in one hand, and is using her other hand to cover her head. I could see a panicked expression across her face as helicopters flew above us. 

"ANITA, LOOK AT ME!" she desperately waved across the road to get my attention as she tried to cross it as cars skid across red lights and crashed into one another.

"ANITA, GET IN THE CAR! GET IN THE BLACK CAR RIGHT THERE AND STAY THERE ANITA! ANITA, GO!!" 

I locked eyes with her and followed her instructions. Around us, were explosions of glass, cars, and fire, that locked me in being trapped in the car. 

I processed everything in slow motion. I looked at my mother from the window. She was reaching the end of the road, escaping from mid chaos, about to grab the door handle. A car behind her collided with another, causing shards of glass to penetrate her from behind. 

I was there. I saw it. I saw it happen. I saw my mother die, because of me. 

I saw the ice cream, fly into the air. 

I watched my mother fall to the ground as the memories of everything flash back. Her face first look shocked, and then fell against the window, her eyes desperately searching for a familiar face. She couldn't see me. I was there. If she had looked a little left. She would have seen the five year old girl who was unaware and confused. But on top of that, she would have seen the problem, the reason why. If only I hadn't forced her to take us out for ice cream that very day. If only, I would've listened to her. If only, she was alive, wouldn't life be different today?