Call Me By Your Name: I Remember Everything

Chapter 1

"Call me by your name and I'll call you by mine." I could still hear him say it. It's been on repeat in my mind for a while. Oh Oliver, how much I wish to be able to see and hear you again. Every day, hour, minute, second since he left 6 months ago he has been on my mind. Oliver Oliver Oliver Oliver, I still whisper sometimes - As if he was here. - in the moonlit dark of the night on the balcony we used to share. No answer, I thought - it always made me feel even worse. - as if I was expecting to get it. I remember everything, he said on our last phone call. Trust me Oliver, I do too. I remember the feeling of your right foot laying on mine, my lips against yours, your hands all over me. Those feelings. I wish I could feel them again.

When - In the same phone call. - he said he would get married, I smiled, I'm such an idiot. I mean, ofcourse, I was happy for him, but something inside me broke that day. It's like a puzzle with a missing piece, but knowing that it was gone and still hoping you would see the piece in the box again, so you could finish your puzzle. He, Oliver, is my missing piece. "You two had a beautiful friendship, maybe more than a friendship. And I envy you" My father said. He knew. "In my place most parents would hope the whole thing goes away, or pray that their sons land on their feet soon enough. But I'm not such a parent." I couldn't believe that those words were coming out of his mouth. I can still hear them, I remember everything.

Mafalda is making dinner, so soon enough she will call us together. Another dinner without him sitting to my left. Another dinner with an empty seat to my left. It doesn't even smell like him anymore. Like the bedsheets of my room, where he used to sleep when he was here. Mafalda had already put it in the washing machine. And soon enough I only had his billowy shirt, that he gave me before he left. I make sure that Mafalda doesn't find it. If she does - And puts it in the washing machine. - then I've lost it, Olivers scent. And as I predicted, I hear Mafalda call me. "La cena è pronto." Dinner is ready. I stand up from the chair at my desk where I always transcribe my music, write in my diary or I'm just thinking and doing nothing else than that. I start to walk down the stairs before they all have to wait for me.

I walk to our orchard, where I see everyone seated at the table, except for Oliver. I look at the empty spot next to my seat. I sit down on my spot at our dinner table. My father stares at me without saying anything. "What?" I looked at him with curiousity, I realised that my What? sounded as harsh and as cutting as Olivers Later. I felt embarressed when everyone at the table suddenly looked at me. My father is silent for a brief moment before speaking back to me. "You really miss him, don't you?" He asks. I simply nod, still feeling ashamed for my tone. I miss him more than the sun misses the sky at night, I almost said out loud. I couldn't say it. No one could ever understand anything of it properly. Even Oliver himself wouldn't understand it. Even I don't understand it, so how would I explain it to others?

While eating we are silent. Until my mother decides to break the silence. "So, what have you done today?" She looks at me. "Not much." I replied. Because what would I want to do. I don't have anything I want to do. Since Oliver left it's been very quiet in and around the house. What could I do to let my thoughts drift away from him? Write in my diary? No then I'll start writing things about him. Swim at the river? It'll only let me think of his red bathing suit that I once put on while he wasn't around. I just don't know how to get rid of the thoughts I have about him in my head. Simply everywhere I go, there is something that reminds me of him. I wish I could just forget all of it, let the thoughts disappear, like a magician. I shouldn't follow his footsteps, I should just forget him. I wouldn't mind forgetting him. Then I can just, live my life like I did before he came. I prefer to see him not in any other way than just another summer guest.

"Elio?" My mother asks. "Elio?" She repeats. I look up at her. "I asked you a question." She says, looking a bit worried. I haven't heard it. I zoned out for a while, I realised. "Mi dispiace, mi sento un po' stanco." I feel tired. I said. "Ho capito, dovresti andare a dormire, tesoro." Go to sleep? That's actually not a bad idea, but how could I sleep? I lay down atleast an hour and an half thinking about him before I could actually fall asleep. Doesn't that say enough, Oliver? Doesn't it? What if he didn't actually liked me, but just wanted to give me a good time, because he thought I was pathetic? And what if he didn't actually liked it when we shared our breath or when our feet touched. And that time he opened the door between our rooms and asked me to take off my trunks, he was the one who came to me. I just don't understand, Oliver. Why did you leave me behind? Will I ever see you again? "Go to sleep now, Elio." My mother said to me, making eye contact. I nod again. Alright fine I'll go, I wanted to say, but quickly changed it. "Okay mom."

As I walked back to my room, I indeed felt a bit tired. Too tired to think about him? No, never. I just hope that I fall asleep before 12 pm. I walk into my room, it's still looking the same way as it did when I left the room. Messy, untidy. I haven't cleaned it since Oliver left, although his smell is completely gone, except for his billowy shirt. I hid it in my closet. I walk to the closet and open the left door, then the right one. There it is. I grab the beautiful clothing piece from Oliver that is mine now, all mine. I sit down on my bed with the shirt in my hands. Quickly I let myself fall onto the bed, now laying on my back. I look at the beautiful shirt and simply smile. This holds everything, every memory, every smell, Oliver. I gently place the shirt over me so that if you look from above it looks like I'm wearing the shirt the wrong way around. After a moment of cuddling with Olivers shirt, I put it down on the bed and start to undress myself.

I'm under the covers and feel the fabric moving over my bare skin as I still can't fall asleep. It's 10 pm now, so it's not too late yet. I grab Olivers billowy shirt again. Cuddling it. Cuddling Olivers shirt feels like cuddling Oliver, I like it. I do have to be carefull with spreading his scent over my body. Mafalda always looks for signs. I'll just, take a shower tomorrow. Even though I don't want his scent off of me, I have no choice. I have to make sure Mafalda doesn't find out. I mean, I suspect that both my parents already found out, but Mafalda, she wouldn't be very happy I think. My parents on the other hand, I don't think they have any problems with it. They are happy if I'm happy. They are proud of me, for who I am. I hold Olivers shirt a little tighter. I try to relax, I try to empty my head, but it's not as easy as I thought earlier when he was still around. He'll just go, with his later. He'll just go, like all the other summer residents did. I'll forget him. Atleast, that's what I thought.

I try to relax by listening to the ticking of my clock. It's just like a pounding heart. Wich I once fell asleep next to in summer. I could hear it, that's how close he was. It was perfect. The feeling of his skin gave me goosebumps all over. Now I hear it again, in the moving hand of the clock. Literally everything here, makes me go back to the 6 beautiful weeks I got to spend with him. Well at first, I thought he hated me. And I thought I would grow up to hate him as well. As my mind calms down and I focus more on Olivers heartbeat aka the ticking clock, I slowly start to drift off to sleep.