What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up

One of the most frequently asked questions that had always fascinated me in my childhood was the one, which is now given at the top of this page. "What do you want to be when you grow up..?" but when I really grew up it started stinging me more like a thumbnail fixed into my heart never leaving its place. My growing up itself seemed to me like a chimera of wonders when I would exactly be the way I had imagined myself to be. The moment I used to hear this question would for a brief instant make me lock my eyes with the person who asked it. Was the question so difficult to comprehend or was the answer so undecided that took pretty much time to blurt it? "Doctor...umm...maybe..." my eyes still locked and unsure. "Oh really...? That's great" I would hear in return.

But later that night I would repeat the question to myself and my undecided answer too. "Is it really what I want to be when I grow up?" And then everything would seem different. It wasn't a doctor alone that I wanted to become. It was perhaps my grandfather's wish that I wanted to fulfill. When you pursue your career as a doctor only then are you valued and respected. In any other case you go to trash bin like a spit ball. But why? Why does it all happen? Why do I have to become a doctor to prove that I am respectable and more particularly intelligent? One thing which I began to understand was that it's basically intellect that makes you honorable. They say unless you prove yourself intelligent by being elected for a medical school your destination is no better place than a trash bin. But how does only selection for a medical school judge your respectability and intelligence?

They say, move on. Dump your head in a pile of books, clasp your ears tightly and close your eyes. Put all the feelings of becoming anything else aside. You are doing a wonderful job. Number one you are fulfilling your grandfather's wish or probably your father's wish and number two you are doing a noble job of dealing with people's lives. Much bigger than this is the name that you are going to earn.

But I love the time and reminisce it often which was [a year or two before] this question began materializing in my life, when our feelings just switched between the choices of blue and green and glittery red and not between the 'becoming' or 'not becoming'. I would sleep in Mom's lap without any worries of being awaken instead I would naturally find myself in bed beside her whenever I opened my eyes early in the morning. I was not even worried when I made things upside down. Mom would always come to my rescue. "She is there... Everything will be OK..."

The 'Growing up' sometimes hurt a lot perhaps because the wreckage that your decisions cause are dumped alone on your head. "Why did you go to cinema when you were supposed to be in study?" "Don't waste your precious time even the last minute before your entry test can help you memorize Newtonian, or maybe Daltonian or more particularly Einsteinium formulas..."

My feelings till the last day of entry test remained pitifully undecided. "No that is not what I want. How can I be dishonest with myself? " but then another voice would come from the other half of my heart, partially mocking, "Either way you are dishonest. Be it with yourself or be it with your family." My head swung left to right like a pendulum between 'Become' or 'Not to become' when the two halves of my heart took their turns by mocking at me. Finally when there was no other way to decide what I would be, I left the thing to my fate. "Let my fate decide what can I be...? It knows better than everyone else even me..." and then it had decided, perhaps one of the best solutions for the mystery that had made my life miserable since my childhood.

The most admirable quality of human mind is that it is satisfied with what fate gives it even if it's the worst thing gotten in life, because here the victim for accusation is not decisions or efforts of the person in question but his 'fate'. So instead of blaming yourself for indecisiveness and lack of efforts just begin saying, "I made correct decision" [even if you did not] "and I did zealous efforts" [even if they were possible only in your wildest dreams] "but it is Heaven Who knew what was good for me" and finally put the rubble on your fate. If it doesn't give you anything more than just satisfaction, believe me you are still successful.