mine mine number nine

twelve

feb. 15 / 8:17 am
i woke up in a haze, my limbs all tangled in the sheets, my hair everywhere on my head. i stretch my arms and legs out as my loose pjs fall all around my body. the light seeps in through my window as it rub my eyes awake.
i sit up and glance around the room, my heels kicked off and my dress a mess on the floor. what can i say? a woman knows how to celebrate valentines.
i slip from my sheets and immediately go to shower my sleep away, today i should start framing for my paintings.
i comb my hair and pin it up and scan my body. some marks that josh left, remind me of joe's mouth on the same parts.
i mentally kick myself for thinking of joe so early into waking up. i make a checklist of everything i need to do for today. i run the water and check my phone to see two texts.

sent at 8:34 am

josh!
good morning honey

(i smile to myself as i brush my teeth and see that. popping one of my hips to see the other text)
joe
why'd you get home so late?

(i toss my phone onto the counter as i spit out my toothpaste.)
what the hell? why do i always find myself going back? no, i cant.
i take off my clothes and hop into the water as i let my playlist play throughout the bathroom.
the water is hot but it feels nice, lathering up some vanilla soap and washing my body.
i softly sing along to "everytime" by ariana grande.

"why oh why does," i stop washing myself to really listen to the lyrics, "keep bringing me back to you?"
i laugh softly to myself.
would it really be so bad to go back?
then i remember my dads face and my moms anger.
...
whatever.
—
11:41 am / i've been cleaning my room and calling my framer to get the gold that i want for these paintings. i go downstairs to go on a quick swim. i have my black bikini on with my hair down and a small cover on my butt.
there must be no one home since it's pretty quiet in the kitchen. i make myself some eggs and fruit. humming lowly as i do so.
"this love" by taylor swift.
i scramble the eggs as my mind seems to be in the same boat. totally scrambled.

i text madi, "it's bad that i am still kinda in love with joe and seeing josh, isn't it?"
i bit my nail as my eggs burn, reading over my message.
the. texting her again, "i shouldn't let him eat me out while i still visit joe in my dreams."
i almost feel like crying i mean i feel totally in control of everything else but this.
that's awful man.
i breathe out and turn off the flame. plating my eggs and taking deep breaths as i put my food on the table.
"something on your mind?" nick asks as he walks in from the pool.
"no." i shove eggs into my mouth.
madi is blowing up my phone, i have it on vibrate so i can just feel all the messages.
with every vibration its like everything sets in. i am allowing my life to be run by one mistake i made. i look off into the distance before nick sits down.
"i really love when you lie, it's amazing." he says sarcastically.
i roll my eyes at him while smirking. joey comes in and sits down next to nick.
"why'd you come home late?" joey asks while stealing a strawberry.
i clear my throat, "oh i was out on a date yesterday."

my brothers nod silently as we sit there.
i shift in the awkwardness, "well i'm gonna go swim."
"here." i slide the plate of my leftovers in between the boys.
they start chowing down like they're starving.
as if they can't just make themselves something to eat.
i glance once more at them. then walk out into the spring breeze.

madi can't believe it. but one message sticks out:
"you're acting like this is a ghost that haunts you, joe is alive and well. you don't have to be haunted by what happened in that bathroom."

honestly i want to just leave this all behind. maybe i'm dwelling on it too much. i jump into the water and swim around. going under again and i hear someone else jump in.

i turn to see joes figure swimming towards me.
i wipe my eyes in the shallow end and wait for him. he pops up and wipes his eyes.
the water glistens from his shoulders, like he's a fucking angel.
"hey sweetness." he says to me.
i gently splash him with water, he laughs and comes closer to me.
"so?" his voice trying to pull the words from my throat.
"so...?" i play dumb.
"why were you home late?" he asks as he holds my hands under the water.
i blame my blush on the sun but ... we both know i'm a liar.
"i went out for valentines." i saw.

i can see the hurt in his cheeks. the way they lower once i mention it. and i won't lie, i can't lie to joe burrow. it's something that i love the most about him.

about US. but is there even an us if right now i'm practically in his arms talking about another man?

but part of me does belong to josh allen. and where am i being pulled? where am i wanting to go?

it's all out of my mind as soon as joe drags me under the water and we start playing tag.
that's our afternoon. playing pool games like we don't have anywhere to be. every thing about him is a dream.

can he only exist in this alternate universe where we are only ever that?

just a dream?