Thoughts Pending

Awake

"Wake up, wake up, wake up... it's the first of tha moooooonth." As the alarm goes off, young Ichabod wipes the crust off his eyes and looks at his phone to turn off the alarm. It's a Tuesday and that means school.. except Ichabod isn't in school because he dropped out 5 years ago. When he was younger, Ichabod always wanted to be in the health field even though he didn't exactly know what position, he just wanted to help people. However, as he got older he realized that not everyone could be helped. As long as there was good in the world, there would also be bad. From being tricked into helping the poor, young Ichabod would be robbed of what he thought was a good deed. Wrong timing, wrong place one may say, but it was setup long before he could process what was going to happen on May 5th, 2015.

On that day, it was a hot afternoon. Trees swaying, people shopping, ice cream trucks in sight; a bustling little town full of people minding their own business wondering what they'll do next as the sun goes down. Walking towards the market, Ichabod nonchalanty thinks about what he would get for lunch. As he passed the entrance he noticed a man handing out books in a wheel chair trying to reach out to people as everyone walked by. Intrigued, young Ichabod made eye contact with the man, but as soon as he did, the crippled man said, "hey, young fella, come over here." Ichabod didn't want to go, but at the same time he didn't want to be rude.

The man introduced himself and said he was trying to raise money for the kids back in his hometown called Bingboon. Even though Ichabod felt well educated, he didn't know if it was slang or a foreign country. Ichabod asked, "where is Bingboon? I've never heard of such a place." The man didn't try to further explain, but he said it didn't matter because it was rude to question where he's from. Ichabod meant no disrespect, but let him continue on with what he had to say. The man said, "I can tell you're a smart fella, what's your name?" Ichabod stated his name and the crippled man instantly raised his eyebrows as he said it was a fine name. He shook his hand and gave Ichabod a price to buying a few of his books. Before Ichabod could realize it, he was already getting pulled into a scheme.

Young Ichabod couldn't let the man move him as he felt the words coming out of the man's mouth was a bit too rushed, somewhat shady. Ichabod couldn't exactly place it on the tip of his tongue, but he knew something was up, but before he could pull away, his mental thoughts got the best of him. He thought now that people were around him looking at what the crippled man had to say, if young Ichabod declined and said he had no money then it would give him a bad image. Ichabod now knew of the position he was in, he wanted to leave, but couldn't. His heartbeat raced as he looked for a way out; tortured by his mental thoughts of what people could say or approach him with, Ichabod ended up saying something he would instantly regret. "I'll buy a book," Ichabod said and the crippled man was happy. He shook Ichabod's hand and said, "that'll be $60.00 for the three blind lice."

In awe, Ichabod couldn't process how he could not say no to the obvious scam. His mental thoughts, the make believe and unrealistic opinions of others that never spoke to him, Ichabod realized how weak he was and how defeated he felt. To allow a crippled man to get the best of him, in which he couldn't even tell if his hometown was even a real place to begin with; young Ichabod looked at his wallet that he had saved money for lunch and changed his mind about eating. He wanted to move on and go back home to forget about it all. As he walked back towards the entrance, he looked to the right where he felt scammed and couldn't believe his eyes. The crippled man was gone; the wheelchair was left empty and the con artist was nowhere to be found. Ichabod's heart sunk down and his expression was empty, he wanted to think that he did what he could to help those in Bingboon, but he knew at the end of the day that it most likely was a scam. Hungry, empty, angered, and most of all scammed, young Ichabod went home as his day had ended right then and there.

As the weeks went by, Ichabod realized that he wasn't cut out for the health field. That one incident, a random scam of all things, ruined his mental and he couldn't shake the idea off that if he couldn't help himself then how could he help others especially when it would count. So, Ichabod made the difficult decision to drop out; with only 2 semesters left before he could graduate, but Ichabod knew he couldn't move on. He also knew that what he was doing was a possible mistake, however, it was over before he could understand the time and effort that he put into school as it would soon go to waste.

Fastforward 5 years later to present time, Ichabod is now 24 years old. Barely works as he can't hold a job long enough before he can reach a year without quitting. His parents have tried helping him, having a doctor involved, taking different kinds of medication, suggesting vacation away from home, but to no avail, Ichabod refused and would always stay in his room as it was his safe space to be himself without any judgement or room for mistake. Although his room was just an ordinary room he still had a computer and tv to keep up with what was going on in the world or to simply play games that he liked/surf the web.

Looking up to the ceiling as young Ichabod woke up, he laid wake to the quiet environment in his room. He heard the birds chirping and mentally drilled a hole into the wall, subconsciously being reminded of his past where he would revisit the mistakes or troubled events he once experienced for the billionth time, hoping he could learn and finally identify the issue where he felt he messed up on. Outside of his room he knew that his mother was cooking bbq outside and that his dad was doing gardening work. It was a good day where Ichabod could do his everyday routine in his room, where no one could bother him. This was his sanctuary, a place where he felt nobody could harm him or try to mess with his mind ever again.

He smiled as he breathed in and realized it was sunny outside. He got up from his bed and opened the blinds; excited to see a bright, colorful neighborhood where his neighbors were either outside doing their own thing or where he could see the green healthy colors of the trees in front of everyone's yard with squirrels climbing them. Ichabod told himself it would be a new day and that nothing would hold him back from thinking so like in the past. He said to himself with a big smile on his face, ready to shout out to the world, "GOOOOOD MOOOOORNI-." Stuck with his mouth open, he instantly saw trees torn down, cars smashed into houses, smoke in the air, and not a person in sight. Ichabod went back to his bed hoping it was a dream and closed his eyes to reset.