The Anger of the Petty Ex

Hear me out

One story can be told in multiple ways, but has the concept to it. In our case, the similarities is that we parted ways. May it be in good terms or bad terms, that only depends if I am the narrator or him. From his point of view, we ended on good terms, but I'm here to tell you why it wasn't on good terms.

From the very beginning, I told you that I liked the thrill and excitement of life. Which is why I risk myself and everything I have to the gamble of fate. And from the very beginning, you told me you weren't the same. You told me that risking isn't your thing and you don't see yourself risking anything. That should've been the red flag that should've sent me away, but in my risking nature, I stayed. I thought to myself, “if I stay and show him that I'm different from anyone, maybe then he'll see me as someone he'd be willing to risk it for.” Days turned to months, months turned into a year. A lot has happened throughout our relationship, slowly but surely, I felt it draining me. One day, you made me realize that being myself was too much for you, so changed it. You told me you don't like it when I tell you “I hate you” and then end it with “I love you”, okay, I stopped. But that was my way of getting your attention. I wanted your attention because I wanna feel seen, but I guess my way of expressing it was too much for you. So I stopped. I talked appropriately, I stopped that habit of mine. But I didn't know I was starting to pull away from you. But I'm not gonna apologize for that, you gave me the means to do that.

And oh, let's just forget about the time when you took out your frustrations on me. Let me remind you how your words cut in too deep for my heart to bear. You've seen every part of me, you out of all people are the one who knows me the most. How could you have not known that your words would pull me away from you? I hate you. You made me feel so uncomfortable from my own body. Only if you knew that it actually triggered me to cut myself again. I hated my body because of you. It took me years and years to finally be comfortable from my own body, but you had to destroy what I built from your poor choice of words.

The moment I didn't even tell you that I started myself again, is the moment I realized you weren't the same person I loved from the start. No amount of apologies could ever rebuild that, I hate how I'm still trying to rebuild that part of me that you broke. I don't know you. You are not the person I agreed to love.

A month before our 1 year was tough, why? Probably because you have gotten used to this cycle, that you thought you don't have to do much anymore. No. If I look back, you didn't put in the same effort you did back then.

But I still talked. I communicated how I felt. I told you that I wanted you to put in the same effort as what my best friend's boyfriend is putting in. I understood your schedule, but will that change if you enter SHS? My heart dropped when you said no. That opened my eyes to sad reality. You never wanted to risk it with me. You always wanna play it safe because you don't want to end up like you did with your ex. Right, in your mind you were still afraid that you'll get hurt the way she hurt you. You never trusted me enough to change your mind. You never changed your mind…

I was never worth the risk. But I still stayed. I told myself that maybe I never cared about it, maybe I should give him a chance to change. But I stopped, why? Because the more I stayed, the more days passed, the more it ate me up. The feeling that I'll never be treated the way I wanted to be treated if I stay. So I ran away. I ran and ran, I admit I kept looking back, trying to see if I should go back, but I still didn't stop running. And I'm so glad I did.

The last time we talked to each other, that was the time I started hating you. I saw the side of you that you never showed me before. It was the side of you being close minded. I wanted to tell you off, I wanted to prove my point, but no. I stopped myself. I stopped myself because I saw no point in this. We weren't in a relationship anymore, I realized that you'll only listen to me when you are in a relationship with me. You stopped listening when you stopped having obligations to. I realized that making me happy was just your chore, you never wanted to do it before, you just had to.

I don't know why you think we ended on good terms, I don't know how you could say that with a straight face. Because whenever I am asked why we broke up, I avoid the topic like it's top secret. I refuse to tell the story of how I was the dumb one to think that maybe you'll change. People never change.

And now you think I'm just liking someone else because I want to get your attention? Bitch please, you're not that important. Why are you making things about you? Why can't you just leave it as I moved on because of all the shit you've done to me? If you think you were hurting, how do you think I feel? I will not apologize for respecting myself. I respect myself too much to stay around the corner and weep at our dead relationship. Yes, I was the one who ended it. But we both knew it was slowly dying. I WAS SLOWLY DYING.

It would be unfair to make me feel bad for moving on, you are so unfair. You have no rights to do that. I will move on, maybe you should too.

Niles, I did love you. You made me want things I never wanted before. But you also made me hate you. I hate you so much right now, and I don't plan on ever holding back. Whichever path you take in life, you do you. I shall completely step away from the story we both made. I will forget about all the good memories we had in order to keep on hating you. I like the feeling of hate, it makes you suppress love.