I wish I could say that this is going to be one of those feel-good stories. A happy ending per se. But I don't believe in those, I don't believe in love. It's too painful, too raw. Something I never want to experience again, not that it wasn't great, but the way your heart gets shattered into a million pieces is not something I want to go through again. Anyway, this story isn't about love or romance. It's about pain, loss, grief, all the fun stuff.
January 6th, I was living my best life, I had an amazing boyfriend, and my family was happy, healthy, and thriving. I had just celebrated my 20th birthday and had the best New Years imaginable. I had it all. But that night on January 6th, everything changed. My heart began to break in a way I didn't know was possible. I knew my grandmother was getting up there in age, but I never would have guessed what would have happened with a basic routine colonoscopy. She was a frail woman, one who was kind, and generous, who had lived a life full of love, loss, and faith. My parents sat the household down, me, my brother, and my boyfriend, Dillion, who was visiting for New Year's and my birthday.
"We don't want to alarm you" my dad started."But your grandmother went into the hospital today due to some complications with her surgery the other day. Unfortunately, the colonoscopy did not go to plan, your grandmother will have to stay in the hospital for a little while. There's nothing to worry about now and they are doing everything they can to correct the issues." I could tell that this wasn't the full story, I could read my dad like a book, and the way my mother was acting was not ordinary. My mother was normally a very animated and happy person, but as I looked across to her she was lost in thought. Her eyes wavering left and right, trying to figure out a solution she had no power to fix. I had a bad feeling about this, and I didn't know what to do. There wasn't much that was said after the announcement, just some questions from my brother.
That night, as Dillion and I got ready for bed, I couldn't help but question what the next few weeks were going to look like. He just kind of looked at me not sure what to do. Neither of us had dealt with this kind of thing before. And lord forbid anything got worse.
"What if they can't fix her, what if they make it worse, I can't go back to Oregon Dillion, they need me here," I said as I frantically got dressed for bed. "What if she dies?" He got into bed contemplating what to say next.
"I'm not sure Cara, there's no way of telling what's going to happen." I could tell he wasn't sure how to comfort me, but I was too caught up in my thoughts about what to do next. I got into bed hoping that a little rest and cuddles with Dillion would help calm me down. I turned the lights off and tried to just sleep it off. I buried myself in Dillion's chest praying that he could take the worries away. I could tell something was off with his thought, I couldn't pinpoint it but it was there.
A few weeks went by, Dillion had left the morning after we found out about my grandmother, and I had been dreading leaving home. He seemed off whenever I texted him. He never wanted to call, and he always seemed too busy to give me the time of day. I didn't want to pay attention to it, I had other things to worry about. I cried when I left my house, I didn't want to leave. I had told Dillion that being back in Oregon was going to be hard for me and that I would need him more than ever. I knew he had a busy first week back to classes, but I still needed him. I know that sounds selfish, and maybe it was. But being so far away from home when my grandmother could die any minute was unbearable.
Me: Can you help me unload my car?
Dillion: Can't, I have to meet my parents tonight
Me: It'll take like two minutes
Dillion: It's probably the last time I'll get to see them for a while.
Me: ok
I really wanted to see him when I got back to school, but of course, he was too busy. Normally he would have asked me to go with him to see his parents. But I guess that was not the case this time. I reluctantly unloaded my car, already drained from the multi-hour car ride here. Once everything was loaded up, I ate dinner and went to bed.
The next morning was not easy. I did not want to get out of bed, my heart and head were racing, questioning whether or not Grandma had made it through the night. My phone started ringing, it was Dillion.
"I'm taking you to lunch, be ready in five minutes," he said, he seemed more optimistic today.
"Dillion, I haven't even gotten out of bed yet," I moaned, but I was excited that he was taking the initiative to have lunch. "But ok, I'll be ready when you get here."
"I love you," he said, I could hear his smile through the phone.
"I love you too," I wasn't in the best of moods but he was trying, and hearing those words made everything just a little better.
