We're all gonna die

How time goes

Chapter 2 - How time Goes 

(Next days )

            School is starting, 10th grade, I have a feeling it's not going to go well...The subjects are going to get more complicated and I have no idea how long I'll be here. I mean I'll be alive.My anxiety is making me die little by little. I have trouble getting out of bed or doing simple tasks like eating breakfast or getting dressed. I'm tired of myself.             Days of crying and tiredness, but deep down I still try to hold on and think that this is just a bad phase.

(The days have passed too quickly and 2021 is almost over)

 December 21, 2021

           I went on Christmas vacation, which is certainly the happiest time of the year for me.School hasn't been going well, I missed more than half of the first semester in hospital because of the side effects of anxiety. With each passing day, everything becomes more tiring. I know I'm close to doing something, which is ironic because this time of year makes me extremely happy .

Christmas Day       

            I woke up early and got dressed to visit my grandmother, as I always do.Like every year in my family, we take sponge cake and cheese and that's our breakfast. And as always, my grandmother calls me over and says:

Nanny- Here's 20 euros and don't tell anyone I gave it to you! -And I won't tell anyone Nanny - and then I gave her a kiss on the cheek and after a while I had to leave.

(After going to my grandmother's house, I headed for the house where I was going to have Christmas dinner.)

What's good is short-lived and my natural happiness ended quickly

( Dinner time )

              During Christmas dinner I was criticized several times. Some commented on "having such a beautiful body" and wearing baggy, masculine clothes. Others criticized the fact that I wanted to be a biologist, that I wasn't good enough for the family since most of my cousins are in medicine or business management.  But the most ridiculous comments I heard were some saying that I was crazy for having an undercut, and that I couldn't because this type of cut is for men and I wasn't a man. And the aunts typically asked if I had a boyfriend.

                 As I had nothing left to lose, I stood up, called everyone's attention and told them that I was pansexual (I was thinking of telling them that I'm gender fluid too, but because of all the previous comments I didn't).   The hateful looks they gave me were like stabs, but I had already predicted that this would happen.

                After dinner, I picked up my plate and went into the kitchen. I grabbed a glass and a bottle of ginger ale and went out onto the terrace to listen to music, cry and look at the stars...At that moment, only dysphoria accompanied me, that anguish of not feeling like myself and the discomfort that made me want to change everything. I wondered: "Who am I? Who are they?" The people at that table don't give a damn all year round, they never ask me if I need anything or even if I'm okay, and they hug me at Christmas as if their lives depended on it. And the first chance they get, they criticize who I am and what I do.

            That night, the rain that fell from the sky accompanied the tears that ran from my eyes. It's a heavy burden to be the black sheep of the family.