Chasing Bad

Audrey

"We're going to be late, sweetie!" My mom called out from her room a few doors away.

My 6-year-old, kid-like figure hopped out of my pink covered, twin sized bed. My mom had called me 10 minutes ago to get dressed for my recent pageant. I had heard her call earlier but was too busy playing Mario on my new D.S. that mom and dad had given me last Christmas. My mom rushed into my room with a worried look on her face.

"I assumed you would have ignored my orders and not be dressed. What have you been doing this entire time?" She was worried for time and managed an annoyed look on her face.

"I was playing Mario on the D.S." My voice sounded squeaky and innocent.

"Well honey, you have to be at the pageant in 30 minutes. You want to win, right?"

"I always win, mommy." I sounded confident now, forgetting all about playing my game and not following her orders. I knew what my main focus was now.

"That's the spirit! Now let me get all your pretty, new dress so we can wow the judges with your gorgeous looks. Since your appearance is first, let's pick out the prettiest dress. Which do you like most?" Her voice was calm. I was so vulnerable at such an age so I took all she said so lightly.

"I like the pink one the best mommy!" I blurted out. She smiled at me then rushed to my closet.

All five dresses were in a protective cover safe from my careless, childish hands. She pulled all the dresses out and set them on the bed, looking through to find the pink one. She found it in one of the last ones she checked and I hurried over without being called. I was too excited to put on the bright pink, glitter covered dress. I skipped to the mirror that hung on my wall, my long, burnette curls cascading everywhere as I skipped. I pretended I was on the stage modeling and showing off my dress to the judges and other onlookers that watched. I couldn't believe how pretty I looked. All the judges were going to love me! I looked around to see if mom was watching but she escaped downstairs to go make her daily morning coffee. I stayed in the mirror's view and proceeded to twirl.

A couple minutes later I grew an appetite so I was downstairs in a flash. I was small, but I had the appetite of a teenage boy. I reached to open the fridge door as my mom watched my every move to see the next step I would take. I grabbed the cupcake our next door neighbor Mrs. Henry had given me from her 16-year-old daughter's birthday party that they celebrated over the weekend. They were always as nice to me as I was to them so they didn't hesitate to spare me a cupcake. I brought it to my mouth to eat it and as soon as it reached my mouth, my mom quickly slammed her cup of coffee on the counter and whacked the cupcake out of my hands to the floor.

"What did I tell you about eating unhealthy food?" She sounded disgusted.

"I just wanted to eat it for once! Please mommy!" I cried out.

A look of anger crossed her face. The sad thing was that I was only allowed to eat was fruit, salad, and small proportions. She had always told me "Aubrey, you need to stay under 30-40 pounds as long as I participated in pageants." It felt like forever and I was always too scared to ask her if I could quit and not do pageants anymore. Besides that, most kids my age would have weighed maybe 45 to 60 pounds and above. 

One year, I thought I could tell her that I didn't want to be in them anymore and maybe she would understand. But, I heard her talk on the phone with one of her friends once and she said that even if I didn't join in pageants, she would still keep me on a diet and I would still be vegetarian. I never seemed to figure out why my mother kept me like this my entire childhood. 

"You'll never be beautiful if you keep eating, Audrey! You'll be the fat little girl in your class that no one likes to sit with. You'll be sitting all alone at lunch and everyone will taunt you and laugh. I would laugh at you too, fatty." She pat these words out, her voice like venom. She would always say something like this to me many times a week when she caught me trying to eat something unhealthy. After a while, she just stopped buying junk food. All I wanted to do was run to my room and cry. Her cruel ways always pushed me to wanting to run away and I would always wonder why I never did.

"But I am beautiful, mommy! You always call me beautiful so why are you changing your mind now?" I protested.

"Well I change my mind. You're a horrific fat child. There is no way any child of mine will be as big as you. You have to stay skinny or I'm giving you up to another family." 

"Eat a banana or eat nothing." She demanded. I haven't eaten a real meal in about a week; just small snacks each day and I don't know how I could've managed.

I decided to eat nothing in the end. I slipped on my new shoes at the front door and ran to the car with my head planted in my hands as I jumped in and sat in the back seat of the car. My stomach was starting to growl and throb at the lack of food and I was drained of all my energy and unfed. How did she think I was going to participate today?

My mom always knew how to fuck up my life before it even began.