And I wish you could give me a moment. To be safe and alone. But here I am in a loud room full of people. Feel alone but am surrounded. Can't breath just pushing air in and out my lungs. Black and bruised is what they are.
That's me on a Saturday night. Hi I'm Emily. I'm 17 years old. Everyday is gaos and loneliness for me but I'm always busy and with people.
My life
I have to go to school I'm late! Running from the stairs getting my jacked and there I go again to a place I don't wanna be with people that I don't like. Walking fast out of the tram already late. Get to class. Everyone already has a seat. I sit alone in front of the class. I get a text. *Good luck u can do this* it's my ex. Isn't over me and keeps trying to get me back. After school he asks if I would like to come. I'm on my way there. He sits on the bed and I'm taking a seat in the chair. Him asking if I will come in the bed. Sure than we can watch family guy alright. I sit down and he try's sneaky to get more close to me. First it's fine. I miss his touch to. But than it ends in cuddling. I said "I'm sorry if I'm hurting you but you know we broke up for good" than he stays silent. I have to go because my parent want me home. I say it and he still stays quit. He is hurt I can tell from his face. I didn't want this. I just miss him and he started I thought he knew. I'm still not over him and he isn't over me, but he was no good for me. I lost friends couldn't do things I wanted to and always had to say sorry after an argument even if it was his fault. Also couldn't trust him with girls.
It hurst so bad that I have to let him go. When he gets over me he will hate me for life and I can't handle that. I want to be friends so bad. But there is no way. On the inside dying but still kinda mad about the things he did to me. Lost in my confusion wishing I could be okay.
Few weeks later he isn't trying anymore. Just nothing. I send the last text I wanted to send before he hates me. He doesn't respond and I ask if he already hates me. He said he didn't know. Now I'm just broken. I ask him to see eachother after work. He agrees. I get there and we sit down on the bed watching family guy again. Finally after painfull silence we stared cuddling but this time it feels different. It's like he hates and loves me at the same time. One moment hugging looking in eachothers eyes. The other moment he's just laying there like he doesn't want to be there and makes some comments about that he hates me or some other stupid stuff. This time is different. It breaks me in pieces to realise he is getting over me and starting to hate me. This is the moment I fear most of all. I don't want this to happen. Not right now. I'm already in a bad place. I don't know if I can handle this pain. I'm hurt and it breaks me in pieces. Looking for an escape but nothing works. Can keep busy 24/7 but it all stays the same. The feeling doesn't go away. The thought don't keep quit. I think this might be my last few weeks on this world. I have been down sinds 12. It just gets worse and this going on isn't what I need. I need peace a place to reload. But everyday I just get more tired and there is no charger. I am almost reaching the 0%. When that happens I won't be breathing the next morning. I won't hear the birds wake up. I won't be there when the sun starts to rise I won't be in class and everyone will think I'm sick at home. The cry of my mother will be sounded trough the air around 7 am. It will be a normal morning and day for everyone while I'm gone. My ex will be doing his work enjoying the weather. Being with his friends. The people will continue doing assignments. But I won't be there. I won't be doing those things. I'll be gone. Up in the air making the sunrises and sunsets for the people I love.
