Lost Cause

Prologue

"Everytime I do something to express my love for you, it feels like it's just a renewal of my subscription to your heart. I did everything just so you would want to keep me in your life." she uttered.

She wasn't crying because at the moment, she didn't know what to feel anymore. Was she out of love or did hatred get the best of her?

"Eli.."

"Paano mo nagawa sa'kin 'yon?" she looked at him, straight into his eyes.

"Hindi ko alam. Nag-kamali ako." he said.

Eli saw a glimpse of sadness in Ivan's eyes that made her heart physically hurt. It was like a sharp needle was stabbed onto her heart while seeing him sad.

In her mind, she was cursing herself for the fact that she still have a soft spot for him pagka-tapos s'yang gago-gaguhin nito. The sadness in Ivan's eyes gave Eli hope that maybe they can still fix what has been broken not just this time, but several times.

What hurts Eli more is that it could've been avoided but he didn't. She gave him a lot of second chances eventhough through the process of helping him fix himself and get his life together, she was being broken day by day. Tortured herself by staying with him and being there whenever he needs her.

Everything about him was hurting her.

But how could she leave, if the person hurting her is the same person that she needs to be okay?

How can you run away from home?

But eventhough a part her was still hoping for reconciliation, Eli knew it was time to let go.

"Ayoko na." as Eli pronounced the words, it was visible in Ivan's face that he wasn't expecting what he just heard.

And for a moment in time, the nonchalant Ivan turned into a pleading man that Eli never expected.

"Susukuan mo 'ko? Ayoko. Walang maghi-hiwalay, Eli. Aayusin ko na sarili ko, please. Bigyan mo lang ako ng kaunting panahon para makapag-isip." pagmama-kaawa ni Ivan.

Very convincing, yes. Almost had Eli drooling over him again, but the betrayal he did to her was too much to bare.

"Para makapag-isip? Sana nag-isip ka din muna bago mo ginawa 'yon." sumbat ni Eli.

"Sorry, Eli. Please."

"Mahal mo?"

"Mahal kita, palagi." patungkol ni Ivan kay Eli.

"Mahal mo sya?" kahit pa natatakot si Eli sa magiging sagot ni Ivan, tinanong nya pa rin ito. Ngunit malinaw naman sa mga naging desisyon ni Ivan ang sagot sa katanungan na 'yon.

"Hindi ko alam." ani Ivan.

It left Eli speechless.

Eli was about to storm out of the room but Ivan held her hands tightly.

"Hayaan mo na 'ko." Eli said.

"Ayusin natin, please." pagmama-kaawa uli ni Ivan.

It's already past midnight. Eli knew that Ivan wouldn't let the conversation go hangga't hindi nya nakukuha ang sagot na gusto nya.

"Mag-pahinga na tayo." ani Eli bago naglakad patungo sa kwarto.

Sumunod si Ivan sa kwarto and there she was, in her usual side of the bed. It made Ivan calm witnessing Eli lying in their bed like none of the chaos happened.

"Mangako tayo sa isa't isa." panimula ni Ivan to catch Eli's attention.

"Sinong mahal mo?" tanong ni Eli.

"Ikaw."

"Ako lang?" tanong uli ni Eli, hoping she would receive a better response this time.

"Sige, ikaw lang." an off answer but Eli still took it.

They end up promising lots of things to each other that night before falling asleep, but it wasn't real for both sides.

To Ivan, Eli knows that all of Ivan's promises are meant to be broken that's why she didn't believe a single promise that Ivan said that night.

To Eli, she was just going with the flow that night just so Ivan can sleep without a heavy heart. She still cares for him, but she knew what she had to do.

She woke up early the next day. She packed her things quietly, ready to leave.

One step outside and she stopped. It wasn't hesitation stopping her to leave. It was longing for home. She went back inside and sat next to Ivan who's deep asleep.

She stared at him trying to memorize his face because she promised herself that this is the last time.

"There goes the boy I fell inlove with." she said while caressing Ivan's hair. "I knew what kind of a person you are by the very first time I saw you, yet that didn't stop me from loving you. Kasalanan ko kung ba't pinagda-daanan ko 'to ngayon. I can't blame you. Mahal kita, eh. I loved you too much and I thought that was enough for us. I thought I was doing enough to keep our relationship."

She kissed his forehead and stared at him for a moment again, before finally leaving the house.

Hindi pa sya nakakalayo pero bumagsak na ang kanyang mga luha. She was feeling everything at this point. She have nowhere to go, because she was running away from the person she calls home.

It was tears of relief because finally, she knows her worth and had the courage to walk away. But it was also tears of despair because she knows na buo na ang loob nya sa naging desisyon nya.

Hindi na sya babalik...

At least, that's how she hopes their story would have ended.