feeling like an absolute fool about it

(wishing you were kind enough to be cruel about it)

trying to be cool about it.

as soon as i saw your face lit up by the blue light of the movie we were watching in that dark room, i knew it wasn't even worth fighting away anymore. i was too tired, staring at the screen and trying so hard not to look at you and debate whether or not this was a real feeling wasn't working anymore. i spent the rest of the night trying to remember what you had said only hours before, when i was covered in sparkles, strawberry perfume from a past time, and black eyeliner. of course, you were just being nice like you are with everyone else, it's a good trait to have. that didn't stop me from overthinking the way you held the door every time the next day, or laughed at a joke i made. i kept trying to dissect a tone of voice that i only took note of after my brain started to warp reality, after i couldn't remember it anymore.

trying to forget about it.

desperately struggling not to ruin a friendship is hard, in these situations. there's a weird line to stay behind, but it just gets blurrier and easier to accidentally cross as your heart palpitates in the hallway. it's honestly the worst feeling in the world, behind only a few things. would you think that you're only worth someone wanting a romantic relationship? i wouldn't want you to think that; you're such a good friend regardless of how i feel. i'd never want that to end, so i try to lock my heart behind bars. sharing my feelings has ended badly before... i think i just love too much. too hard. you listen to me talk and ask questions so kindly, like you actually care. it makes me feel so sick; i wish you'd just stop but at the same time i want it more than i want a lot of things (maybe not that special edition I was telling you about though).

we don't have to talk about it.

i put my acting skills to good use, practicing for when i eventually head off to college. it's painful and not very good practice, i hate to admit it. there's no excuse for this. i have to pretend that i don't find it insane that you think there's no one who could like you. it sits there in my stomach like a perfectly round rock and i try not to think about how i've felt on and off for months before this. it's hard not to find things to prove my delusions where there aren't any, searching your face and texts for something. that's a little better than the nothing that there is in reality, at least. we can stay friends, that's fine with me, i've been praying for this to go away. i wouldn't want to hurt you or myself again. we can be friends. i'll be a normal person this time.

i'll pretend being with you doesn't feel like drowning.