Charles*
Even though i loved the time at home and i didn't even thought about racing, the investigation was going on still, and i finally got a call with information about it. I've talked for what seemed like hours, walking around the apartment, trying to keep my anxiety in check. Maddy was out with the kids because they wanted to go on the playground.
The last information was that I'll be back to racing on the next weekend in Australia. I didn't know how to feel, i didn't knew how the world will react. The people were hating me a lot when the case happened but i didn't payed attention to it. But now I'll witness it in real life.. Am i ready? Should Maddy come with me? The kids?
I was extremely confused and scared for everything. Even tho my image was cleared, and probably people forgot about it. There will always be one person to remind the world again.
I already had enough of the call, i politely excused myself from it and hung up, i felt like my chest was tightening with every second i kept talking. I needed a minute.
I walked to the balcony, i tried to control my breathing and my shaking hands. I felt horribly drained from these. I had amazing time at home, i was feeling too good to go through so much pain after it...
I heard the front door open and i sighed, i didn't felt like i can deal with the kids right now. Does that make me a bad dad? I buried my head in my hands and tried to keep my emotions in check.
I felt Maddy coming behind me, i felt her hands on my back, rubbing comforting circles around it. I let out a shaky breath and didn't even dared to look at her.
"You got news about the situation didn't you?" She whispered while still rubbing my back. I just nodded.
"Is it selfish that i don't feel up to being with the kids right now? Am i bad dad?" I whispered, tears dangerously threatening to fall from my eyes, i didn't felt like holding back, but yet i needed to.
"Hey... Absolutely not. It's not selfish, it's not bad, and you're not a bad dad. You just need time for yourself. And i don't mind giving it to you. Neither will the kids.. Well, Lya might cry, but she'll get it." I can tell she desperately tried to cheer me up, i just didn't felt like smiling, not to mention laughing. I just turned and hugged her, kissing her forehead, trying to show that I'm thankful for her efforts.
"Do whatever you need, do you feel like going out with the boys?" She asked softly, i felt like i needed to, i needed to feel the burning sensation of the alcohol in me. I needed to forget.
"Can i get wasted?" I whispered, pleading her, literally pleading her.
"Okay.. just this time love." She kissed me and let go of me.
I didn't wasted much time, i called Pierre and just went out, when i came out of the apartment, the cold evening air hitting me through my thin shirt, i took a deep breath and felt more like myself again. Not being suffocated. Not needing to keep an image. I didn't cared anymore. I knew I'll give my PR team a nightmare but i can't bother now. It's me time again.
As i walked in the bar i could already smell the alcohol, that much needed relief i needed. I spotted Pierre and walked to him, he handed me beer but i refused.
"I need something stronger." I mumbled, ordering myself a whiskey.
"Whoa, what happened? Tough day?"
"Tough months..." I mumbled, taking a large sip from my drink.
"It's strange without you racing." He said, rather softly, i didn't wanted empathy.
"I'll be back, relax." i responded rather coldly which took him off guard.
"Charles is something wrong? You're acting awfully cold." He reached and placed a hand on my shoulder. I didn't wanted to be cold, i do needed support from someone else than Maddy, Pierre is my childhood friend and he understands me.
"I'm sorry mate, it's just been tough, i really need some time out." i mumbled, taking another sip. He nodded understandingly.
We talked about a lot of things, just venting about our life, it actually felt good to get it out of my chest without being judged. I was feeling really really drunk already, i drank like 6 glasses of whiskey and some vodka.
"It's time to get you back home mate" Pierre helped me up, and helped me walk.
The walk to my apartment was seeming too long and i felt like collapsing, when we arrived there i realised i lost my keys, or i didn't get them.. i couldn't remember.
We knocked on the door, till Maddy opened, balancing Lya on her hip.
"Thanks Pierre" She said to Pierre and helped me sit on the couch. I layed down and just looked at the ceiling. I could hear Lya's cries, they seemed fait in my drunken state, and i felt myself falling into a deep slumber.
