I still love you ?

The nightmares

Disclaimer: This chapter contains language and themes that some readers may find offensive. The content is intended to challenge societal norms and provoke thought, and is not meant to harm or marginalize any particular group of people. The author does not condone hate speech or discrimination in any form. Reader discretion is advised.
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Again I woke up sweating and my heart was palpitating. I felt the pulse in my throat. It's the same nightmare again and again. Someone was trying to hurt me and I ran to save my life. Why do you think I have these nightmares? Well, honestly I was in an abusive relationship in the past. And that relationship has destroyed me mentally and physically. Although I have improved my physical health, I still struggle with anxiety and PTSD. I have struggled to love anyone again after that. People ask me all the time "Why did you take so long to leave? You should have left the first time he raised his hand on you. " I wished. I wished I did. Every single day I regret I didn't leave sooner. But you should understand my point of view too. It didn't happen in a day. He was something that built up so much as time passed that before you knew the tumor had spread and you were sick and weak. Sometimes I feel like it's a miracle I survived. I will get on with the stories later on. I joined a women's welfare organization after a year of my break up with that narcissistic person. I tell myself that I won't let another woman go through what I went through. It's been 6 years and I decided to give love another chance. I met this man a while back and we kicked off from the start. before I realized he had me giggling like a little girl. I can't say it's love; it's too soon to say that. But I am afraid he won't accept my past so I cannot fully commit to him. It's always a constant dilemma for me. should I jump from the cliff or not? what if he doesn't catch me? what if I give my all and he leaves? how do I process my emotions after that? As I told you I still struggle to process my emotions. even now I can't watch even a movie that has violent scenes. so what will happen if he loses his temper or what happens if he's also abusive? Will I be able to know the signs sooner this time?

The thoughts in my head silenced as I heard the doorbell ring. I was greeted with a bouquet of peonies.

"Are you alright? I have been ringing the door bell for a while now. " Asked Ezra as he handed me the bouquet, his eyebrows furrowed and eyes full of worries.

"I am sorry Ez, I got lost in my thoughts for a while. I was just getting ready for work. Come in. "

It's has become a ritual recently. He brings me flowers every day. He's been trying to cheer me up since he knows I still get distant and depressed. He's been my constant motivator.

"Why don't you finish getting ready? I will wait. Have you eaten anything? Breakfast? Do you want me to make you your morning tea? " He gently carress my arms as he speak.

"Oh.. Ezra.. I have made you worried again. Haven't I? I am fine though. I didn't have any nightmares today. I woke up just fine. And yes , I would love to have some tea before I leave for work. "

I went into my bedroom to get changed. He's been worried that I would break down any moment. During those first few weeks of meeting him I was hit by my random waves of sadness and he knew how distant I became. Since then he would make jokes here and there trying to make me laugh. I am grateful really. I feel like I have met someone that wants me happy as much as I want to be happy.

I got ready and we had some catching up up while we had tea. I am grateful for the flowers. The last relationship the only time I received any flower was a rose when my ex was trying to persue me. It looks like a joke compared to the bouquet Ezra brings for me now.

" Tamaya.. I hope you don't forget that I am here for you okay.? " He leans over and hugs me tightly. I was surprised as he would usually keep his distance but I guess I have made him worried.