Becoming Amaya

Chapter 1- The party

My hands shake as I hold the slip of paper. This was a nightmare. I look at the words written in sweeping cursive and take a deep breath to still my hands. I look up at my friend who is still talking a hundred miles a minute:

"- course you were always going to come anyway I just figured I would write you an invitation anyway, it just seemed the right thing to do you know?" She rambles, "Aagh i'm so excited!" she pauses a second to breathe before carrying on with her verbal flood. "I have invited so many people and it's going to be amazing, everyone is so excited, are you excited?" she carries on without waiting for a response "Well it's my sixteenth so i'm obviously excited! OMG, do you think Alex will want to come? He said hi to me in class the other day. Do you think he likes me? I'm going to invite him, no harm in asking right?"

She pauses after the last question and I hum noncommittally. Lin is always talking about boys; she is always convinced that the most recent one is 'the one' and gets annoyed at me whenever I try to point out that she thought the last one was 'the one' and it turned out not to be.

I sigh and tuck the slip of paper into my pocket. I really don't want to go to this party. I'm socially awkward and don't do well in crowded places; I would much rather spend a day curled up on the sofa with a hot chocolate and a book than at a big, noisy, loud party. Unfortunately, Lin is my best friend and I don't really have much of a choice.

"I'll be there Lin," I say. "Just don't expect me to be the centre of attention. If you need me, i will be in a corner somewhere"

"Don't worry," she chirrups, "I'll be the centre of attention since I'm the birthday girl." She flips her hair over her shoulder dramatically and continues "You need to learn how to be more social," she criticises "you can't stay with your nose in a book for your whole life."

I sigh again and lean back against the wall; closing my eyes for a second and wishing at that very moment to be exactly where Lin says I shouldn't be. She is right though, soon we'll be leaving school and I will need to learn how to be social and make new friends. I want to hide in a corner just thinking about leaving this place. I may complain about school but it's been a big part of my childhood and I know I will miss it. I resolve to go to this party, it will be my first step towards becoming more social.

That's how I ended up standing in front of a big hall in the middle of October, shivering in my dress. I hate dresses. But Lin had insisted on picking out my outfit and I let her, knowing I had in my own wardrobe was really party appropriate.

She shouts over to me excitedly, "Twenty minutes Amaya, people will start arriving soon!"

"Great!" I shout back sarcastically "I'm so excited" she just nods back at me with a big grin plastered on her face, obviously not picking up on the sarcasm in my voice.

I am really nervous.

An hour later and the party is picking up its pace, it was slow at first, but now people are warming up and somebody turned the volume on the music up to full. It's giving me a headache. As a particularly loud song comes on and people start jumping round and screeching at the top of their voices I decide that I need a break. It's too much.

I try to push my way through the crowd but there are too many people and I keep getting pushed around. I get barged backwards and crash into someone behind me. Before I can apologise he has shoved me back and I trip over my feet and go sprawling to the floor. Him and his friends laugh jeeringly and turn back to their conversation. My heart hammers and I feel my eyes begin to heat up. What was I thinking? I am such an idiot. What am I doing here? I don't belong in this type of situation.

It's too loud and too dark and there are too many people and I can't see. I'm still on the floor and people keep looking at me weirdly. My brain is broken and keeps screaming the same things over and over. Help. Too loud. Too many people. Help. Too loud... again and again until I want to tear it out of my head. It's not helping. Too loud. I'm shaking now, my breath is coming in gasps and my heart is pounding, bashing against the prison bars that are my ribs. There are too many people, all closing in, a chorus of "are you alright" and "what is happening" and "why is she on the floor" only add to my panic. Help! My brain screeches. But I have no idea what to do.