(𝘾𝘼𝙉𝘾𝙀𝙇𝙇𝙀𝘿) random shitty thoughts at like 3 am/diary

mostly just a vent- (tw sh again)

(sorry if this is not really that planned out. If uhhm- you're confused, i'm talking about the disorganised text placement)

I started getting ready to do homework, once I checked what I had, I thought about how fucking useless and stupid I was, asking myself on why the fuck I didn't do it yesterday, and now I have to suffer throughout a Monday night with doing stupid shit that I don't even understand. I felt like crying, screaming, my breathing ridges, my hands slightly shakings, i felt my stomach turn. Shivers throughout my whole body, as if I'm shivering from the cold. It's been a while since I've felt like this, and listening to music didn't help. I could barely focus on my homework picking at my skin, bitting my arm, gripping my bedsheets, just trying to distract myself. I just wanted to die, I felt as if i deserved to die at that moment. I wanted to pick up a razor blade and start cutting, I wanted to fill my legs with scars, not caring about life. But i just forced myself to work and wait it out, maybe it'll go away.

spoiler alert: it didn't.

I uhh- gave up halfway on the homework, and I just took a bath, and it definitely didn't help (i cut myself for anyone's who's confused-). Also, really funny thing, I decided to shower with my headphones on because i wanted to listen to music. but uhhm- ye i'm shaking a bit more than before, and my leg looks and feel like a tomato.

either way! I gotta finish up my homework, so I'll update later.

byeee!!! (276 words)

NVM I'MMM BACKK!!!!

so uhhj- that was an absolutely massively shitty idea, my leg hurts like shit and i feel like shit. At least i finished my homework yesterday and i'm surprised that i actually have motivation to do simple exercises at school.

right now i'm sitting in PE because i'm definitely not gonna do it, going to school today I regretted everything because it was a pain to even move.

i'm rethinking everything i did, but at least happy that I woke up on time today, because i mostly either sleep through the first 3-4 classes or just don't show up.

I think that the sh helped me physically, but not that much mentally.

either way, i think that's all for now. Signing off!
(128 words)

May 24th 2024