The nurse entered, carrying the bag of supplements and smiling widely at the pair of them "Afternoon! Taylor, how are you doing?"
Taylor nodded "fine thanks..."
The nurse smiled "great – now lunch today is going to be a simple sandwich with a banana and a cake bar. I'll go and get it all ready and then I'll bring you into the kitchen when it is done."
Taylor swallowed nervously "can Tree come?"
The nurse hesitated "sorry sweetie – not at meals"
Taylor tried again "please? Just for today?"
Sarah smiled, her tone kind but firm "I'll be there to support you – I don't think it's beneficial this early on to have anyone else there as it just adds extra pressure" she turned towards Tree now "are you working from here today?" Tree nodded and Sarah turned back to Taylor "see – she will be right here when you're done!" with that she walked off to the kitchen – leaving Tree and Taylor alone again. Tree smiled but felt her own anxiety rising – she knew Taylor was going to have a tough time with this "you'll be fine honey – I am literally next door"
Taylor blinked her tears away "but I wanted you there...I didn't want to eat with her staring at me the whole time..."
Tree nodded, whispering now "I know – but she's right – she will support you through it better than I can"
Taylor looked like she was about to cry again but blinked it away "I hate this..."
Tree squeezed her hand tightly "I know you do. It'll get easier – I promise"
10 minutes later Sarah came back in "Ok Taylor, I'm ready for you now"
Tree looked towards the blonde who nodded but made no effort to move. Sarah tried again "Taylor it's lunchtime"
Taylor picked at the skin around her nails "coming"
When she didn't move again Sarah sighed "I'll give you 1 minute to come and join me in the kitchen – if you're not in then I will pop back out again"
Taylor nodded, breathing a sigh of relief.
Tree moved over to her "go on Taylor – you can do it"
Taylor looked at her, a devastated expression on her face. Tree laughed softly, trying to lighten the mood "she's not going to hurt you – it's just lunch. I am right here."
Taylor grimaced "I want you to come..."
Tree smiled "I can't – you heard her. Now off you go." She pulled the blonde up, then walked her over to the kitchen – pushing her in gently. Taylor turned around to watch her as she walked away and Tree laughed – she was like a toddler being left at school for the first time.
Taylor sat down opposite Sarah, smiling tightly "sorry..."
Sarah smiled "it's ok – I totally get it. You have 30 minutes. Anything you don't eat, we have a supplement for. You can eat it in whatever order you like"
Taylor smiled and nodded, looking down at the food and picking up the banana. It took her 20 minutes to eat that and then she sat, staring at it. Sarah prompted her "why don't you try some sandwich?"
Taylor smiled but didn't move. Sarah gave her a warning "10 minutes left. At the moment you'll be having a full supplement..."
Taylor grumbled "I don't want any of it"
They sat like this for the next 10 minutes – Sarah encouraging Taylor to eat, Taylor refusing and then the cycle continuing. After the 30 minutes were up, Sarah handed Taylor a full supplement. She fought against it – adamant it should be less for eating the banana but Sarah reminded her of the rules.
When Taylor refused to drink even the supplement Sarah reminded her "if you do not work with us here, you will be admitted to the hospital" Taylor nodded, understanding the warning and she quickly forced down the supplement, battling the screaming voices in her head as she gave in.
After lunch she went and sat with Tree – attempting to read a book but really she was just avoiding having to talk to Sarah – it was weird having somebody watch her all the time and she hated it, feeling awkward in her own home.
Sarah asked to speak to Tree alone around 5pm so they headed to the kitchen "I understand you want to support Taylor – but I think it's important she understands the rules and at the moment – she is refusing. I think dinner is going to be a battle again and so I think it would be wise if you left prior to dinner. It will allow us to deal with the emotional fall out – so she realises she will have to give in and trust us – at the moment she is very reliant on you."
Tree hesitated but then agreed, knowing it made sense. She went back to tell Taylor who immediately freaked out "Tree. Do not leave me here alone. Please. I don't want to do this anymore"
Tree hesitated – her heart torn by the woman's vulnerability "Tay, you will be fine. I will message you later then I will be over tomorrow after my meeting in the morning – I'll update you on everything. You need to eat, promise me you will try?"
Taylor nodded, blinking back tears "I promise"
Dinner went about as well as lunch – Taylor had eaten about ½ then refused to even drink the supplement. The nurses swapped over and Taylor felt even more self conscious as the reality of being watched while she was in bed sunk in.
She began to fidget nervously but the new nurse mistook it as trying to exercise and stopped her immediately.
Throughout the night, Taylor woke up feeling unsettled and anxious about what food she would have to eat.
At breakfast she was crying before she had even eaten anything, fear taking over her entire body. She felt so alone and disconnected without her Mum or Tree or her friends.
Although everyone kept telling her this was better than being in hospital, it really didn't feel better right now.
After breakfast Taylor had her first online therapy session, she was very open and honest about her feelings – realising that if she was going to have to suffer this treatment, she may as well try and embrace the help they were offering. They tried to offer support and advice and promised that things would get easier.
Lunchtime was even worse than breakfast – the anxiety had taken over and she couldn't let herself eat anything. She sat for the whole 30 minutes in silence until they handed her the supplement, which she then refused to drink.
They tried to encourage her and support her but she was not having any of it.
When Tree arrived after lunch she was taken to one side by the nurse who updated her on the last few meals – Tree begged for 15 minutes alone with Taylor and they reluctantly agreed to see if it would help.
As Tree walked in to the living room where Taylor was sitting the blonde immediately pulled herself up "TREE"
The redhead put her hand up, interrupting her "I do not want to hear it. You promised me you would try Taylor"
Taylor grumbled – annoyed they'd ratted her out "I did try!"
Tree raised her eyebrows "Taylor, they said you took two bites of breakfast and stopped and you didn't even touch lunch..."
Taylor frowned "well...it's hard!"
Tree sighed "I am sure it is honey – but so is being in hospital. You cannot carry on like this. How was therapy this morning?"
Taylor sighed "it was fine...but they just don't get it"
Tree rolled her eyes "they really do get it – they probably just didn't tell you what you wanted to hear..."
Taylor shook her head "I talked about being uncomfortable with the amount of calories they were making me have and then they said you shouldn't be tracking calories" Tree giggled at the silly voice Taylor put on, "I told them I can't physically turn it off – my brain knows all the calories in foods and does it without me thinking so they said it's a conscious decision to add them up. You might know the calories but you do not have to let yourself add it up and work it out"
Tree interrupted her "well..they are right – just because you know the numbers – doesn't mean you need to tune into it. Food is more than numbers – it's also about the energy it gives and how it tastes. You need to tune out of that – change the channel in your brain"
Taylor crossed her arms "AND I asked when I can exercise and they just said not yet"
Tree rolled her eyes again "Tay you know you can't work out yet – not until your health is better"
Taylor narrowed her eyes "exercise is good for your mental health!"
"Not when you take it to the extremes. No exercising until you're stable and gaining weight. Next barrier?"
Taylor grumbled "you're making fun of me!"
Tree shook her head "I'm really not but you're putting obstacles up about everything – they can't help you if you don't want to be helped..."
Taylor nodded "I do want help but it's so hard"
Tree nodded, pulling her into a hug "It is hard – it was never going to be easy was it? It took months for these behaviours and thoughts to really embed in your brain – they weren't going to go away overnight"
Taylor broke into tears again "I really hate this! I don't deserve any of this food – I am going to get fatter and fatter. Everyone is going to see it and my life is going to be over! I'd rather be dead"
Tree was stern now "Hey! You are not fat, you have never been fat but even if you had – your life is so much more than your weight or your body. You are Taylor fucking Swift. You have so much more to say and do. So you need to suck it up and let them help you. You don't have to like it...you just have to do it. Do you hear me?"
Taylor dried her eyes "yeah, I hear you."
Tree nodded, "Good. Now – why don't we see if we can give lunch another try?"
Taylor hesitated "Tree, I cant..."
The redhead narrowed her eyes "Taylor. You haven't eaten today. By agreeing to do at home treatment, that meant agreeing to actually eat. Now – I will sit with you. Shall we go and try again?"
Taylor bit her lip but then nodded slowly.
Tree encouraged Taylor throughout the whole meal, not caring that the nurse kept telling her to leave Taylor alone to eat – she knew her better and knew if she wasn't pushed then she wouldn't do it. When eventually she had finished half the food, then drunk half the supplement they let her get down from the table.
To try and distract the blonde, Tree caught Taylor up on the details of the meeting this morning – showing the progress the team had made with rescheduling the cancelled concerts. The redhead also then showed her a few of the messages of support she had received which immediately put Taylor's mind at rest – she had been torturing herself, convinced every one would have turned against her now she had cancelled some of the shows "Tree?"
The redhead looked towards her, aware a request was incoming "can I come to some of the meetings? I know I can't actually do the tour – but I don't want to lose touch of everything and I'm going out of my mind with boredom"
Tree sighed "No – not until you're well enough. We need all of your energy going back into recovery right now"
Taylor threw her head back groaning "but it's my tour!"
Tree smirked at her "then that's your motivation to get better isn't it. When you have eaten every meal for three weeks – then you can come to a meeting. That means eating everything – no negotiating, no supplements. Just doing what you are told."
Taylor grumbled but nodded "deal. I can do it you know"
Tree nodded "Oh, I know you can. I wouldn't have said it if I didn't believe it"
"Tree?"
"Yes Taylor..."
"Thank you for always believing in me, no matter what"
"Always..."
