The Love We Deserve - Azriel x OC

24

"103?" Mor questioned once the boys had said their goodbyes with promises to meet up again.

"97" I corrected again, leaning against the wall next to Az. "not the sort of thing that we need to talk about here".

"But we are going to talk about it" Rhys pressed kindly, and I nodded in understanding.

Feyre guided Rhys off to the dancefloor whilst Mor and Cas went to get new drinks, promising to bring us back our own.

I turned to Az to see him staring down at me with a look I couldn't quite read.

"What? was it the marriage thing? Because I was just teasing, I wouldn't expect you to-"

"you're rambling" he said softly, the shadows around my waist squeezing me gently. I nodded to myself, tracing the patterns on the glass I was still holding as I waited for what he was going to say. "how old are you? I never asked."

I blinked in surprise.

"24"

"24" he repeated with a shake of his head, lips pressed together "24 and you've experienced life and death, come out the other side. And you're still the kindest creature I've ever met. You've gone through so much, Alex. Every day you surprise me"

"there's no point running around with hatred. Doesn't do anything but make a person bitter." I muttered "Mother knows I spent months with it clouding my vision. Ironically, the war was one of the best things to happen to me. Lead me to you lot in the end."

"97 people" he murmured with a smile "you really are an Angel"

A thought struck me as he looked down at me. As I thought about what he had said. Stuck me so violently that I could feel the impact in my chest, could almost see the blood gushing at my feet.

His smile faded quickly as he watched my face.

"what's wrong?"

I shook my head, blinking as I realised the sickening truth, hands falling to my sides.

"I just realised how incredible selfish I have been with you" I said with a pinch of humour, but no amusement lay behind my words, body moving off the wall hurriedly "I-I'm sorry-excuse me"

Pain ached through me as I pushed through the crowd.

Selfish ignorant fool. What was I thinking? Falling in love with a fae. What did I think would happen? That I would magically wake up young every day, never aging. But no, he will be forced to watch me age everyday whilst he stays the same. Whilst I slowly die in front of his eyes.

I had been wrong when I told Rhys that my parents and Feyre's sisters were the selfish ones.

It was me. It had always been me.

I forwent my heels, using my bare feet to carry me out of the building as I struggled to catch my breath, my chest felt like it was going to explode. Gods help me.

My hands caught me as I collapsed behind a tree, sitting in the forest on the outside of the large estate we were in.

A sound between a shout and a sob broke from me and I pounded at the earth.

"Don't I deserve it?" I screamed to the heavens, moon shining down on me through the break in the trees "have I been selfish in my life? Did I not try hard enough with Aiden-" I clutched at my chest, gasping through tears "I tried, I swear. I tried" my body shivered with grief "Is this what I deserve for all the lives I took? Is this what I deserve? Is this my punishment? Loving him? Is that it?" my words were barely legible through my sobs and cries, my whole body bent in a praying position, hands grasping at my chest.

The pain was unlike anything I had felt before, worse than the scars, worse than losing my brother. It felt like my heart was slowly being ripped apart and crushing the rest of my chest with it.

Hands held my shoulders, but they did nothing to stop the cries that tore through my lips.

"Alex!" Azriel roared distantly and I met his gaze as my head lifted, seeing the fear in his face before the world went black.