Cloud Strife's Sober Walk Home

poisonous snakes will devour us whole

I had just left the furry convention and walked back to my car that was close by (and by that, I mean it was a 15 minute walk). After the entire time walking, I forgot the fact I had a magnet on the suspender on my back that could've held my sword. I don't know how I could've forgotten that, I was in SOLDIER for God knows how long.

Anyway, I put my sword in the trunk of my car. I had to get a car specifically designed so I could fit my sword in my car. I couldn't imagine Sephiroth's car. He probably doesn't need a car. Maybe he does, I don't know how it's like to have one wing. Or a Masamune. Holding my sword was starting to give me carpal tunnel. Not that it's heavy, but I did have to carry it for a while. Maybe it's different because the Masamune is skinnier?

Anyways, I got in my car and thought to myself. Man, I should go to Fry's. I'm pretty hungry right now and I have like 7 gil which should be enough for a couple things. I don't wanna get a whole lot right now, I just need a quick snack. I started driving over and eventually found a good place to park after taking 29 minutes probably. After all, the convention is right next to the Fry's. I saw a shit ton of furries inside. Oh, man. I only went to the con for a side quest for Chadley. He keeps telling me he'd brew up some special Materia for me, and it's special because barely anyone could get their hands on anything like it. Mainly because everyone would refuse to go to a furry convention even if that's what it would take to cure their infant daughter's stomach tumor. I forget what Materia it was but either way, at least it's over.

I got out of my car, got my sword from the trunk, and walked into Fry's. For some reason, the security kept telling me I couldn't bring my sword inside. So I threw a smoke bomb on the ground and ran as quickly as I can. All I heard from behind me was them coughing, sighing, then saying, "boys will be boys." I walked in, trying to walk as casually as I could but I kept hearing a bunch of kids ask me, "what's the big sword for?" and I was fighting the urge for my life to slash them. I need the XP... But I won't. Their parents would probably get mad. As I was walking over to the area with the bologna and cheese, some idiot went over and asked me, "Wow! Are you that mercenary everyone is talking about?" I went to that kid's parents and told them to control their kid.

I got the bologna and cheese and started heading for a drink. I didn't get bread because I already had a full loaf at home. Also yeah, I'm broke to the point where I can get like 3 items. I spent all my gil on different swords that I am never going to use. I stay true to my buster sword. They're pretty much there for decoration. Nothing I'm good at more than making very poor financial decisions. And gambling. I'm definitely ready to beat Sephiroth in chapter 18.

I started walking to the check out area but while I was waiting, I checked my pockets and realized I didn't have my wallet. To tell you the truth, I was panicking a bit even though there was only 7 gil in it, and I barely showed any panic in my face. It was mainly because the wallet wasn't even mine... But uhh, let's not talk about that!

I was looking around and some old dude kept yelling at me because I was really looking like an idiot. "Sorry, sir, but I think I dropped my wallet somewhere."

"Yeah, well, you're holding up the line!" The old fart told me.

I was trying to ignore him but he kept babbling and yelling at me. It got really annoying and I went into combat mode for it. He flew comically far and I was right next to the customer service so I went up to them. They were in shock for some reason. "S-sir... Please don't hurt me..." The worker told me. How could they possibly think I would do that??? "What? Why would I do that? Look, I just want to find my wallet, could you help me out?"

They were still looking at me really shocked, which I still couldn't catch on. "Uhm... You just killed an innocent old man."

"Innocent? That guy was a dick! I just needed to find my wallet. I was purely using self defense. Is that so wrong?"

"Uhm..."

"Anyways, could you just help me out?"

"S-sure... uhh, what did your wallet look like?" She brought out a small basket with people's lost wallets.

"Uhh, black." I'm really bad at describing to people.

"Huh... yeah, I can't find any wallets in here. Sorry about that."

"Man. That's fine, thank you."

I walked back to everywhere I walked in the store and I found my wallet near the area with the bologna and cheese. I started walking back to the checkout area and it finally gave me time to rest my wrist from the sword. Good thing it was exactly 7 gil.

After paying for my food, I started walking out and it wasn't at all long before another person would harass me. It was two very drunk dudes. I think someone was in the backseat, too.

Uhm... it kinda looked like... my car...

They kept yelling and throwing beer bottles at me but I was really tired to deal with them at the moment. That was, until the guy in the backseat was turning down his window...

IT WAS SEPHIROTH!!!

He was trying to talk but he was really slurring his words, it was almost hard to understand. I got out my sword and tried Bravering that motherfucker. Both because they just took my car, and I just hate him. Before I could've, though, he started coughing, "oh, shit." and the lighter on the car seat fell. Very much like the scene in Are We There Yet. There came an explosion and midair, it was that moment where I was the one who flew comically far.

After sitting for a bit, I thought for a bit. I didn't even realize how barely I cared about the car, I cared more about Sephiroth. I should've cared more about the car, it was hard to find a good car company for my sword to fit. Eh, I'll find another one. I think I should sell all my unused weapons though... anyways. I got up and tried going on. I couldn't deal with Sephiroth, I mean he probably looks like he would be on NSFL Reddit right now.

During my walk, there was a homeless guy doing exercises in the middle of the sidewalk. Strange. I walked through, trying to ignore him, but he started asking me weird questions. "Hey kid, wanna make a prank phone call?"

I stared at him like a cow stares at an oncoming train. Speaking of which, he kept showing me stock trains he googled and asked me, "you know what kind of train this is???"

It was getting very annoying and I tried walking away, but he kept going off about his life like the first episode of Xavier Renegade Angel.

So I did the only thing I could've done in that situation to assert my manliness.

"Not interested."

He stared at me the way Joker stared at Batman in the Lego Batman Movie when he told him he doesn't mean anything to him. I walked away in hopes no one else would harass me. On my way home, my wrist was hurting so I stopped for a bit and checked my phone.

I saw I got a Twitter notification from dailytreznor and my day was then and there lightened up again.