Deep End

.

TW: Mention of Suicide, Death

Chanbin POV

'DON'T' I screamed the say I saw Felix on the bridge. I remember getting a call from Han and Seungmin. They said I should go to the Han River Bridge since both weren't in town. My heart broke seeing him like this. It's been 10 years now. Today 10 years ago. On September 15. His birthday. I should've run to him. Getting him off of that damn edge of the bridge. We could've started as friends again. If he wanted to. My thoughts were interrupted by my 5 year old son. "Appaaaa" I heard my son scream and saw him running over to me. "Yes?" I asked him As I picked him up and placed him on my lap. "Can we go to the park today?? Me,Eomma and you!" He asked. "Of course darling, but first appa has to go somewhere. When Eomma arrives from the grocery store. I will go shortly to the place where I have to be and we meet at the park okay Yongbok-ah" I suggested. "Yesss appa!"

--------------------------------------------------------------

I arrived at the Cemetery to Felix's grave. They found his body in the water and did a funeral for him.
I looked at the grave stone:

Lee Felix
15.09.2000-15.09.2024

I signed. I regret so many things. The thing I regret the most was hurting this little ball of sunshine.  The sun needed to set one day. I didn't now it would be this early. I hope he's resting well, wherever he is.

"You're here too?" I heard a squirrel lookaliked guy. "I'm always here" I answered. Awkward silence. "I'm sorry-" I said to break the silence. "Listen I'm not mad that you didn't save him. I'm mad that you broke him in the first place." He said strictly. I nodded. We've been here for like half an hour "I have to go now, Minho and  I have an appointment at the adoption center. I wanted to give you this. A letter. I found it while going through his stuff recently. It's for you." The younger said while giving me the letter with the labeling 'for Changbinnie' . I took the handed letter and stuffed it in my pocket. Han said goodbye and I stood here for a little while. I laid a bouquet of Daisies, his favorite flowers on his grave and made my way to the park.
--------------------------------------------------------------

When I got home, I took a shower and said on the Balcony smoking a cigarette. Yongbok was already sleeping and Jeongyeon was taking a shower. I decided to read the letter Han gave me. When I opened the letter, I saw quite a long text with the title: 'Deep end'

How've you been?
I guess you're fine
It's been pretty long
Since we've last seen
Honestly
Throughout my life
Deep inside
I never felt alive
The way you used to touch my soul
Was always so sweet and lovely
No matter how far apart we were
You'd always pick up the phone
But now I'm truly all alone in this world
I miss the way you felt so close to my bones
I'm sinking in the deep end
I'll just try
To cry myself to sleep
Please stop this pain
If you hadn't changed
Then I'd still be by your side
If I gave you one more chance
Can we go back again?
You made me feel
As if we were complete
But now you're filled with nothing but conceit
The times we had together were bittersweet (bittersweet)
I miss the days we used to laugh and heal
(Laugh and heal)
The way you used to touch my soul
Had always kept me whole
You'd always read my text
And ghost me like you wanted me gone
Now I'm truly all alone in this world
I miss the way you felt so close to my bones
I'm sinking in the deep end
I'll just try
To cry myself to sleep
Please stop this pain
If you hadn't changed
Then I'd still be by your side
If I gave you one last chance
Can we go back again?
Honestly
Without you in my life
Deep inside
I've never felt alive

I felt tears running down my face.
I was the Asshole in this Story.

I saw something small written under this long text:

I can't live without you but you can live pretty well without me.

The End