It's Going to be Okay...Right?

There's Always Something to Look For

Journal number...something.

        It's your boy, Gershon Concord again! Back with another entry of how I am not fine. Today blows. I know I say that and think that about every day, but I feel that this time, it's true. Earlier today I came across an old friend from High School. His name is Fergus. I think his last name is "Contreras" or something similar, I'm not that good in pronouncing it.

Anyways I met Fergus out in a park, he was in the middle of his jog while I was walking back to my apartment with a bag of bathroom stuff and candles. He noticed me staring at him, I saw him from a few 10 or so feet away and tried to get away from interacting with him. I wasn't good at making long conversations. The key word in this is TRIED. When he saw me he said this.

"Gershon? Is that you, how have you been?"

I nervously replied with this.

"Yeah, it's me and I'm just...fine."

"Hey, why don't we sit down and chat for a bit?"

I really didn't want to, but he was the only thing I considered to be a friend. For you see, back in my time in high school, I wasn't really much of a popular teen. Most of the guys I talk to in the halls in between classes, I don't really view them as friends. It's not for cynical reasons, it's just...I don't ever recall any one of those guys ever inviting me to hang out.

Damn it, I'm a such a mess. I somehow think it's my fault for not putting myself out there more, but I know that I at least tried to open up with a conversation with a peer next to me and- Fuck, I'm going off track.

Where was I? Oh yeah. I decided to sit down on a bench with Fergus to talk with him. Though he was the one to start the conversation.

"What have you been doing so far Gershon? I remember that you planned to work in real estate in your senior year. Have you made any progress on that?"

To be fair, I did at one point decided to work in real estate. But that would mean either two things. One, I would have to talk to people about the type of home they're looking for, something that I loathe because of my belief in how shitty I am in maintaining conversations. But I didn't want to make deals with people via online services, because I crave the chances to talk with people as well.

God damn it, I'm such a mess. Why am I so hypocritical?-Darn it! I let my mind wander again!

Okay, I discussed about me meeting Fergus at a park, then I sat down to talk to him about plans after high school. Oh yeah, now I got it. I replied to Fergus.

"Sort of."

For some reason, when I graduated. I had second thoughts about working in real estate entirely. I didn't want to do that in general. I wanted to do something else, but real estate is one of the lucrative careers to have at the moment since the demand for housing was raised. Why am I second guessing shit?!...Anyways, Fergus told me.

"Oh, I see. Um, what about your social live? Any friends? Significant other maybe?"

"It's...good."

Damn it! I just realized how much I keep reverting back to my anti-social self in the past! In the office of where I'm working, I get paired with a group of two guys and two ladies. They're the most talkative and energetic group I've ever seen. And as much as I want to befriend them, I also don't want them to know too much about me.

Is it because I was afraid?-No, not was. I AM afraid. I am afraid of them and anyone else finding out about how I really think and act. But what can I do? Just say "I'm an broken mess guys! I want to have friends but I push people away, I want to be confident, but don't love myself. I want to have a lover but I don't believe in what people say when they confess their feelings." 

I want to say that I am not fine...but I lie everytime.

-In Gershon's mind-

"Gershon!"

"Yeah? What's up Fergus?"

"You sure you're okay? You've been staring at nothing for about 4 minutes or something. Very intensely too."

"Huh. I didn't know that."

"...Gershon. You're not okay are you?"

"What are you talking about? Of course I am-"

"No, you're not dude."

"...Gah! What good is it to you anyways?"

"Because, I worry about you. More so than yourself. I've seen how low you become, I've seen that look in your eyes where things don't matter to you. I know because...I was like you once."

"You were?"

"Yeah. And you know how I got over it?"

"How?"

"I look at the things I want to experience so much. Things matter, when you make it matter."

-End of recollection-

..Yeah, I lied. I guess that's because I lost in what people near me really thought about.

I may not have a lot or any true friends. But I do have my family. Oh boy, I have to give them a call and tell them sorry on how I resent them, for no reason too!

Yeah, I can see it now. My family has always been there, wether I pushed them away or not. They're all I got left. Guess, I got so self-absorbed into wanting different types of connections that I tried to tore the one I had way before elementary.

I got to apologize to them after this.

And if they're not the one I could look for hope in something else too. Like the new movie coming in a couple of months. Or a new console, game, car. Hell, literally anything!

...Gosh, I really am a broken man.

But that's fine. Because at least I'll always have something to look for. To keep myself from falling into lower levels.