Adam and Jacob

Tattoos

Jacob loved Adam's tattoos. He started with his galaxy sleeve, his way of stopping self harm in its tracks. Now that arm was expensive, he couldn't do anything to that. Gone were the days of panic when he saw knives and itching to stay away from the kitchen, now he happily sliced and diced carrots and onions to put in a soup. Adam's mind was weird, that was all it took to break a crippling habit he had been obsessed with.

Jacob knew he knew he was staring at him. His senses were sharp, and if he hadn't heard the trying-to-be-quiet footsteps approaching, he'd definitely feel Jacob's stare.

After 20 minutes, Adam cleared his throat and turned to regard his husband. "Hello, darling. How has your day been?"

"What are you doing?" Jacob mumbled back, overwhelmed to no end.

He quirked a brow. "Making soup."

"To me," The Brit clarified, coming closer carefully as if Adam might decide to bite him. "I meant what are you doing to me?"

His hand raised to scale over Adam's other arm, the second galaxy that tied everything together in a swirling symphony of black and porcelain skin. It was so detailed and amazing Jacob could almost imagine the stars twinkling and the shooting stars racing across his bicep. Delicately he touched it and stifled the urge to look at Adam. He was enamored like a child noticing the sky for the first time and all the wonders that lie there. Lips found the art to trace and kiss, food and everything else long forgotten in favor of indulgence.

When he finally snapped out of it, Adam had his lips pressed together and his brow furrowed like he usually did when he was trying not to cry. Embarrassed, Jacob held his hand. "Sorry. I don't know what gets into me when you get new tattoos."

Adam coughed out a laugh and wrapped him in a hug. "It's tender as all hell, but I wanted you to see it before I covered it up. You just unbroke my heart somehow." The hug tightened and he released a shaky breath. "I felt it happen."

Jacob pulled him back to catch his gaze. "What? How? Why?"

He wiped at his face stubbornly and shook his head. "No more feelings. I'm maxed out." He went back to making soup in silence like nothing had happened at all.

As much as he tried to let Adam have his moments devoid of emotion, Jacob hated when it happened. It hurt his feelings every time. He always felt so much so strongly, and sometimes it seemed like Adam didn't want to feel things on purpose.

He leaned onto the counter next to him and watched Adam watch his expression out of the corner of his eye. He tried to look fine with it, but from the way he sighed it must have been obvious Jacob was hurt. "You've never kissed over my scars like that. I know it was about the sleeve but it made me feel too many things." Adam flicked his head to the side then brushed a hand through his hair restlessly. "I get overwhelmed some days, but I want..." His lips curled in and he tossed his hands up. It seemed the harder he tried not to cry the closer he was.

Jacob grabbed his arm again, forcing his mind to see past the tattoo. The space between his eyebrows creased with sadness and he dragged him to the couch to sit in front of him. "You don't need to feel." He knew he sounded close to tears too but he couldn't stop it. "I'll do it for you, yeah?"

He took his time tracing and kissing over every faded cut from long before they'd met, willing it to heal away entirely. Chances were they'd be there forever, and to him that was good. "I was worried about overstepping a boundary. Because the thing I have to say is very corny and not helpful logically."

Adam watched with bated breath as those soft lips kissed over the biggest and deepest, the one that had killed him. "Say it anyways."

"They used to mean you were gearing up to... to die. Now they mean you survived," Jacob mumbled as his face grew hot. It sounded even more ridiculous out loud but he felt it to be true and wasn't that what he was supposed to be doing? Feeling? "You can punch me in the face now."

Instead he felt a hand bring him in for a kiss. It was sudden, and romantic. Adam couldn't tell him how he felt, but he could show him even past the wall that went up when he became afraid to feel. His tongue slipped over Jacob's and he melted into the touch. Adam was so good at kissing, it made the Brit feel like he was full of fireworks and butterflies.

Adam pulled away first. "Are you okay? You're trembling."

"Are men supposed to get butterflies at 23?" He blurted shyly. "I don't think I'm supposed to."

His husband's eyes brightened. "I get butterflies all the time. When we wake up in the same bed and you pull me close; butterflies. Breakfast, lunch, dinner; butterflies. I have butterflies right now. A lot of people told me they'd go away when I started T. You brought them back hardcore."

Adam laid back and patted his chest, enticing Jacob to crawl over him and rest his head over his heart. It started to race when he grabbed an arm and traced the designs with an innocent finger, careful not to hurt the fresh ink. "I love you."

"I wish there was a way to be closer," Adam complained loudly. "There is no closeness I can achieve to be as close to you as I want to be, dammit."

Jacob sat up. "Come again?"

Adam groaned and pulled him back down desperately. "It's hard to emote but I want more. How do I be closer?"

Sometimes Adam spoke in straight riddles. It was a symptom of having a million things he kept to himself all the time: they just burst out in short frustrated sentences. He struggled with feeling numb entirely occasionally, but it seemed like he was trying to break out of it for his husband. One could almost see him thrashing around with himself in his head as he squeezed Jacob until he grunted in pain.

"Uhm, ow!?" Jacob was released immediately but Adam squirmed and sat up with him. "Why are we mad at me? I'd like to join you."

Adam scoffed. "Not at you. At existing. Why can't cuddling be enough? Why can't we just like, fuse or something?" He crossed his arms and cast a jaded glance over their house. "I hate it here."

Jacob started tugging at his clothes. "Off. Everything off." Clumsily they stripped him down and Jacob stripped too, then returning him to lie on his chest. "Better?"

He nodded heavily. "I feel like a newborn. This is awesome."