I was, after all, just a bad dream [+18]

III

TW: suicide attempt

———

Can you feel it? The void in your chest, in your guts, your very bones—that emptiness only the one who caused it can ever hope to fill.

~

The sky was an angry mass of churning and furious clouds, swirling in anger, dark, threatening, boiling.

Lightning streaked across the heavens, illuminating the tumultuous sea, where waves were crashing relentlessly against the shore, lashing at my feet. The wind howled, hurling raindrops like needles that stung my skin with each icy touch.

I was there, perched on that rock, on that island, on that familiar beach. Facing the ocean that witnessed my birth, that watched me grow. That same old beach, that same old rock that never budged from its place since I was a child, even if the waves relentlessly tried to swallow it whole. And that night they were trying to take me with it.

Standing in the midst of chaos, the ocean roaring with fury, its dark depths threatening oblivion. Each crash of the waves against the rocks echoed the beating of my heart—or what used to be my heart, now broken, shattered and pulverized. I couldn't even hear its comforting, light beat anymore. Instead, it was replaced by a rhythm of pain and sorrows coursing through my veins, beating in my throat, and pounding in my temples.

I returned to this island, my childhood home, seeking refuge from a shattered dream. And that evening, even the ocean was upset.

The waves crashed so loudly I couldn't hear my own breathing. The wind swept everything in its path. My tears mingled with the raindrops, drenching my face. The rain soaked me, plastering my clothes to my body, but I could barely feel the cold anymore. I couldn't feel anything anymore.

All that was left was the crushing pain and the relentless whisper of that voice in my mind telling me it was time to go. Time to surrender once and for all, time to say goodbye, just like he did, without looking back. Closing the door, silently.

The thought of leaving Venice behind tore at my heart, but the pain of living without the man who gave me everything only to take it all away so easily seemed too heavy a burden to bear. He would be better off without me anyway. What kind of father would stand on a rock in front of a raging ocean, ready to jump? I should have wanted to fight. I should have run away from that danger, and yet...

I couldn't shake the image of what it would sound like if my body smashed against those rocks. And when it crashed, when it landed, would there be blood? Would my skull burst on impact? Would my eyes be shut or wide open? Would my heart stop beating in an instant? Would I hear the comforting yet eerie sound of the waves crashing against the shore, shattering my body like a rag doll? Would I catch one last glimpse of the sky before surrendering to the darkness?

Would I hear his voice one last time, the tender voice of the one I love so violently, so brutally, so deeply echoing in one last declaration of love, whispering how much he adores me?

I inched closer to the edge the turbulent sea was like a dark, swirling, inviting void. The wind howled in my ears, and finally, I closed my eyes. I took a deep breath, digging my nails into my palms, drawing blood, ready to let go, to finally surrender to the pull of those abyss. After all, I was already there.

But just as I was about to step off the rock, just as I was about to take the plunge, I felt a strong hand grab my arm, yanking me back with a force that took my breath away.

I stumbled, my eyes snapping open in shock, and found myself face-to-face with him. His eyes were wide with fear and determination, his grip unyielding.

"What the hell are you doing, Pete!?" he shouted over the roar of the storm, his voice raw, strained, shattered, as he gripped me to shake me, his fingers digging into my shoulders. "Are you fucking out of you mind?!"

I tried to pull away, the despair still clinging to me, but his hold tightened. "Let me go!" I cried, the words barely audible over the wind. "I can't—" My voice trailed off as I bent with the force of a sob I couldn't control. "I can't do this anymore."

"No," he said fiercely, leaving me no choice this time as he pulled me into his arms. "I won't let you go. I refuse to lose you again."

I didn't resist. I had no strength left. And as my head found its place against his chest, his strong and protective arms enveloped me, like a shield against the raging storm, a cocoon of warmth and security amidst the chaos, I finally let it all out.

His grip tightened with a desperate strength, as if he was trying to shield me from all the pain and despair threatening to overwhelm me. His large frame pressed against my body, solid and reassuring, grounding me there, leaving me no choice but to accept it

I felt his heartbeat, steady and strong, oh so calm compared to my own racing and erratic pulse. His warmth seeped through the cold, wet fabric of my clothes. The rain continued to pour down on us, but he never let go.

A hand cradling the back of my head, fingers tangled in my messy hair, his other arm wrapped securely around my waist like he was afraid I'd slip away. "Please," he pleaded, his voice a whisper against my ear, "I'm begging you; you have to keep fighting. For your grandma. For Venice." A brush of lips against my temple. "For yourself," a flicker of warmth.

A glimmer of hope.

He embraced me tightly, he held me, the raw pain in his voice cutting through the fog of my mind. And without even realizing it, before I knew it, I was holding on to him, tears streaming down my face, the sobs finally taking over me as I melted into his arms.

"I'm scared," I choked out, my voice just a broken, ragged, and desperate whisper as I burst into tears, breaking down completely, his grip tightening around me preventing me not to fall.

"We'll figure it out together," he said, and it sounded like a promise, his lips pressed against my forehead. "Please. Please, don't go. I'll be there, as long as you want me there, for as long as you need me. I won't ever leave you," he pleaded, his voice cracking with a sob, catching me off guard. "Just... Just don't leave me."

No one takes their own lives because they want to die. They do it because they want to stop the pain.

Suicide's an enigma, a burden we pass to the living. And as he held me close, his arms tight around me, the storm raged on, the waves kept crashing against the rocks. But something shifted inside me.

The urge to surrender to the abyss was replaced by a guttural urge to try, a fierce determination to cling on. Even if it was just to his shirt for now, to his arms holding me up, to the man whose eyes shimmered with unshed tears. That man who was looking at me like I was the sun. I saw it. I saw the first ray of light, piercing through the darkest clouds.