You know who you are.
I still want the last word. I still want to fight with you, no matter how toxic you are I miss the memories we made together. I miss the way I was around you and the way you used to be. I miss the feeling of being wanted and cared for without feeling like I have to earn it. Most of all, I miss who I was before you. I miss the cheerful little girl whose blood was spilled by your hands. I miss her before pressure and before neglect. I miss her happiness, more contagious than any disease. She would be disappointed in the person I've become. I miss you. It doesn't matter how much you hurt me, I miss you so much it hurts sometimes. I can't stop seeing you in people and ignoring that it's a bad sign. I can't stop thinking of the words you said to me, knowing that you wanted to hurt me. I can't stop because I'm an addict but I was your addict. I would've dedicated my life to you if you said the word. If you wanted me to. I would've given you the world. I knew you had issues, ones that you would never tell me and I was fine. I would've been fine with you never telling me. Despite what I said, I don't forgive you. I want to, so bad, so I can move on, but I can't. I miss the way you laugh, how happy you once made me feel. I miss that I used to make you happy and that I used to feel good enough. For everything and everyone. I hate that now no matter how much I talk about you to the people I know now. They will never understand just how much it really hurt. They won't understand how you were the only person who remembered my birthday that year. The only one whose compliments I really cared about. The one who was struggling and I tried to help. Maybe I said a lot of horrible things, but they don't compare to what you said to me because I almost bled to death. You hid your wounds behind them. I had no one to hide behind, no one to help and you knew that. You took away my support system and I almost bled to death. I still feel like I'm losing blood every day. Every day it's harder. It's harder to keep smiling and mean it. It's harder to care. It's harder to stop caring. It's harder, it's harder it's harder and it's all my fault. My fault for trusting you. My fault for loving you. My fault for calling you my best friend. My fault for believing that you could be a good person despite all the signs saying you weren't. You meant everything to me, but I guess there were more important people in your life. I'm sorry that I could never mean everything to you that you did to me. I'm sorry that your life is just so pathetic you had to leave the only person who truly cared about you. I'm sorry that you're so hurt you had to hurt me. I'm sorry that I wasn't right for you, but you're not the only person in this world who has feelings. I'm sorry that you're so closed minded that you forgot I had feelings. I'm so sorry that you have to live the way you do because it's so so sad. I still care for you, I still love you because when I said I loved you unconditionally, I meant it. I still do. I wonder where you are and what you're doing. I hope you're okay despite everything you've done for me. I hate you, too. I hate you for showing me that not everyone can be saved. I hate that you made me believe that no one would or could ever truly care about me for me because there's only part of that's valuable and once that's used up I'm worthless. I hate you for integrating yourself so deeply into me and then tearing down my walls from the inside, though I admit it was a smart tactic. I hate you for making me trust you and making me believe in you and your so called goodness. I hate that I let you get to me and I hate that you never noticed. I hate that I wanted to believe that you'd changed even when I knew you could never. I knew a lot of things. Just because I was a kid doesn't mean I was clueless. I knew everything but I just didn't believe it. I knew you and Lexie were getting close. I knew you liked her better than me because you found her more interesting. I hate you for making me think there's always going to be someone more interesting and more everything than me and that I'll never be enough no matter how hard I try. I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you. I hate you for convincing me of your love and then taking it away when I believed it. I hate you for love bombing me. I hate you for taking advantage of my naivety and stupidity. I hate you for blinding me when I could barely see. I hate you for breaking me. I hate you for everything you said and you did and now the only thing good I write is pain. The only thing I feel is sad and more sad, only little bursts of happiness. I hate you for hating me. I hate you for thinking I would forgive you so easily. I hate you for not being able to tell when I'm lying. I hate you for not knowing me and not wanting to. I hate you for not understanding me. I hate you for not trying to. I hate you for wanting me to know you. I hate that I tried. I hate that no matter how hard I try, there's always you in the back of my mind telling me I'm not enough. I'll never be enough. I'll always be slightly less than. I'll always be the waiting room for someone, used as a spare until someone better comes along. I hate you for not believing in me. I hate you for loving me. I hate you for lying to me. I hate you for hurting me. I hate you for leaving. I hate you for becoming my best friend. I hate you. It doesn't matter how much I love you because I will always hate you more. I hate you. I hate the things you did to me. I hate the way you still make me feel even though you're gone. I hate you. I hate the things you made me believe even when I knew you were a pathological liar. I hate the things you said to me that I believed. I hate the way your knife is still making me bleed because I can't pull it out. I'll never be able to pull it out because the only one who could was you. And you left. So I'm forever perpetually bleeding and it's all your fault. I'm the cut that always bleeds. The wound that will never close. The bullet hole you tried to cover up with a bandaid. The cancer you treated with Tylenol. I am all the pain I felt then and the pain you're still causing me. I am still half of you and if you went back to who you were, or who I believed you were, I would go back to you in a heartbeat. Because of you I feel guilty for contradicting people. Because of you I let myself get walked over because that's the only thing I know. Because of you I want to cry every day and every night. Because of you I'm always in pain. Because of you I can only write pain. Because of you I push myself to my limits and I break. Because of you I'm still broken. Because of you I will never be able to fully heal. Maybe that's the worst part. I'll never be able to fully heal. I hope you take comfort in the fact that your knife will forever be lodged in my gut, causing internal problems. I hope you jump off a cliff and nobody mourns you. I hope everyone in your life forgets about you. I hope all your friends drop you and laugh behind your back. I hope your friends tell you you're worthless. I hope your friends walk all over you without you noticing. I hope you experience what it feels to always feel less than. I hope you die a slow and painful death because you don't deserve a quick one. I hope your friends see through your lies and they cut you down with them. I hope your friends make you want to kill yourself. I hope your friends make you cry for a consecutive month. I hope your friends continue to haunt you for the rest of your life and you'll never ever stop hearing their words in your ear. I hope you trip over the boundaries you step right over. I hope your friends make fun of you behind your back. I hope you know what it's like to experience all of these things because that's how you made me feel. I hope you get everything you did to me. I hope you get stabbed in the back multiple times, and become too weak to get back up. Maybe I'm cruel, or maybe you hurt me. That's how deeply it hurt. That's how deeply it will always hurt. Maybe I'll grow better at ignoring it, but it will always be there and it's all your fault. I hope you believe everything bad that happens to the people around you and yourself are all your fault. I hope guilt coats your insides and drips down onto your mind until you can't handle it. I hope it gets to you. Because it gets to me. The guilt is easy to tamper down until someone causes it. Someone who isn't me. Someone who makes it drip down all my organs and intestines, ruining the happiness I create for myself. I hope you get humbled so badly you never have an ego again. I hope you cut off that hair of yours horribly and get made fun of. I hope you confess to your crush and get rejected. Publicly. Because you always said I was the pussy, but guess what? It's always been you. You because you hurt me instead of trying to help me. But I guess, in the end, it's your fault. Your loss. I really hope you never find someone as good as me again. I hope you never find someone who cares about you as much as I did. I hope everyone you love is faker than Barbies.
You know who you are.
I'm the biggest loss of your life, but I think you figured that out already.
