Manhwa Angst

Tired

Rudbeckia De Borgia is tired.

She was tired of faking everything, being left behind. She was tired of gaslighting herself that all of that abuse never happened.

She has Izek. But she knew that she couldn't bring herself to be completely honest to her own husband. Freya once again believed over her. Of course they would, she was the long-term friend, and she was the outsider that came to be the wife.

Then Ellen's nanny came to her at the garden and said things that would forever be engraved in her mind.

She's tired. Was no one really on her side anymore?

Rona had found her crying by the hallway, her personal maid led her back to her bedroom, the ever loyal maid had comforted her with the best of her abilities. She waited until she heard her bedroom door close too before bursting out into tears as she struggled to go inside her bathroom. She was so tired. She had wanted a real home with a real family more than anything else in the world, a real happiness where no one could break it. She couldn't believe how close she had come to getting that dream, it wasn't fair. For the short period of time that she had been here in the Duchy, she had been truly happy by being on Izek's side.

She was finally changing her role in this world. But why is everything going wrong for her? She just wants to be happy, was it so hard for God to grant it to her? Was she born to suffer both in her past and current life?

Gasping for air, Ruby struggled to her feet and stumbled to the sink. Blindly groping around in the medicine cabinet, she pulled out an all familiar sharp object that she used to use in her past life. Caressing it in her palm, she numbly walked to the tub and sat down on the edge of it. She couldn't do this any longer. She didn't want to keep being judged on. There were chances that Cesare would find an excuse to bring her back, and everything would start over. She didn't want that. She was tired of it all and it was too hard to keep fighting. She just wanted to sleep.

She rolled up her sleeve, she couldn't help but to remember the first time she slit her wrist in her past life. She was young, and wanted to taste pain from her own hand. No matter how much she wanted to end it all back then, she wanted to be spiteful and be successful.

Guess I can't have that here too.

Really, dying wasn't going to be all that bad. It would give her the peace she wanted for so long. No more pain and suffering.

She couldn't remember how many times she had heard the Pope saying that people who committed suicide wouldn't be able to enter the Golden Gate and were all doomed to eternity down to Hell. She had hoped that the Pope was wrong, because being alive felt like Hell already.

Resting her head on the cool marble tiles, she smiled as she started replaying her time here, all the good once. There had been a few hiccups along the way, but her time here had been incredible. She had never laughed as hard as she did here. She had met a few good people, she knew the feeling of loving others beside her brother Enzo for the first time.

Lovingly caressing the blade across her skin, she remembered the time Izek searched for her, the first time he had embraced her. She felt so loved. It was frightening, but felt so good at the same time. She didn't want that to end.

Ruby gasped when she felt the blade sink into her arm. She knew that she had gone deeper than ever before because there was a piercing hot pain that she had never felt all the other times, much different than the first time she died. Eyes fluttering open, her heart stopped beating for a second when she saw all the blood flowing out of her body and onto the bathroom's expensive marble flooring.

It was the oddest sensation watching as your blood pumped out of your body. There was pain of course, but there was also a numbness that went past the pain and into your soul. It felt almost like she was on the outside watching instead of living it, feeling it. With a tired small chuckle, she grabbed the blade with the hand covered in blood and quickly and easily sliced her other wrist, as deep as the previous one. As interesting as it was watching her blood spill, she needed to cut her other wrist while she still had the energy.