FELT (2024 Flash Fiction)

FELT

Unang sinulat ko ngayong taon. Bare with my writing skills, gasgas na kasi. Comment your thoughts fls. 😁

—

FELT

I feel it. Naramdaman ko na, matagal na.

Ang hangin na banayad lamang ang pagtama sa aking mukha. Ang tubig na umaalon. Ang mga hibla ng buhok ko na para bang sumasabay sa alon at sa simoy ng hangin.

Ramdam ko ang lahat.

Nandito ako ngayon sa tambayan namin dati. Dagat. Dito kami unang nagkakilala at dito rin namin ipinagpatuloy ang pagkilala sa isa't isa. Sa bawat punta namin rito ay marami kaming napag-usapan tungkol sa aming mga sarili. It was magical. It was a very nice feeling whenever we get to talk of different stuff about ourselves.

“Nathalie.”

One call from him and all was destroyed. The boundaries I've worked hard to set up. The feelings I tried so hard to keep to myself. The tears... The tears that I've been holding from the moment I started to feel everything.

It fell. The first tear drop of this heartache.

Nathan and I talked yesterday. We needed to get this closure. I badly need this closure. So that I can move forward with my own life.

“This beach was our safe space for each other. I've never thought we'll get to have our last talk here too. Hindi ko inakalang magtatapos agad tayo, kasama ang mga pangarap na binuo natin nang magkasama. I wasn't really expecting this.” Una kong mga salita para sa kaniya.

Lumapit din siya sa mga munting alon na tumatama sa mga paa ko. Ginawa niya rin ang ginagawa ko ngayon. Nakababad na rin ang kaniyang mga paa sa tubig-dagat.

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung paano talaga sisimulan ang closure na ito. I just blurted out whatever I am feeling right now.

“Hindi ko rin naman inaakala na ganito ang mangyayari. I loved everything about us. I loved you. I really did.”

Loved.

I wish he just said that he loves me.

“When did it start, Nathan? When did you start to fell out of love?” This. This was the question that I really want to be answered by him.

Tiningnan ko siya sa pag-aakalang nakatingin din siya sa akin. Pero mali ako. Nakatitig na lamang siya ngayon sa karagatan at sa papalubog na araw sa aming harapan. Before, he'd always look at me everytime I'd ask him a random question. This time, it's different. I feel it.

“I honestly don't know when it begun or why it happened in the first place. But I realized it... a month ago.” He finally looked at me.

His tears were already falling before I even noticed. Pati siguro ang luha ko ay mahal na mahal siya. Nagsi-sunuran din sila nang makitang bumabagsak ang luha niya.

I couldn't say anything. Nothing comes to my mind at all. Umiwas ako ng tingin sa kaniya at itinuon na lang ang pansin sa magandang araw na malapit nang lumubog. Muli na rin siyang tumitig sa napakagandang tanawin.

Baka hindi ko kaya.

Baka hindi ko kayang palayain ang taong mahal ko kapag mas matagal ko pang matitigan ang mukha niya.

His face looks like an angel. It comforts me, always. Even now.

Umatras na ako mula sa dagat. Siya ay naiwan na nakatitig sa harapan. Ngayon ay ang likod na lamang niya ang nakikita ko.

Even seeing his back makes me want to cry for a lifetime.

I'll never get to hug him like I have always done.

This feeling is a feeling I don't want to feel again. Sobrang sakit.

“Noong huli nating punta dito. I've felt like I wasn't coming here for our usual talk. Before, I would be excited to talk for hours with you. That was the major reason why I realized it is really different, for me. I wasn't excited to talk with you anymore. I feel like I'd just come here to release my thoughts with the sea and the sunset.” He paused for a moment, probably thinking if he can still continue. He's really crying hard.

It is hurting him too. And that pains me more.

“You can continue. Please, Nathan. I want to know your thoughts.” I encouraged him.

He looked at me and smiled before looking at the sunset again.

“I am really sorry that this happened. No one wanted this. I never really wanted to fall out of love.”

He walked backwards and we're now standing side by side.

He held my hand.

“It feels really different now. You holding my hand were my comfort before. It feels strange now.” I laughed a little. Still suppressing myself from crying hard. I don't want to sob here. No one can comfort me like he can do before. He's not here, the Nathan that loves me.

“I just really fell out of love, Nathalie. But everything that we did together is and will be forever treasured here.” He pointed where his heart is.

I was there too.

“Maybe... Maybe you fell out of love because we're meant to have the chance to know and meet others too. That's the only thing that I can think right now, Nathan. This is painful for both of us, and I don't need you to feel sorry at all. I'm just thankful that we ended this in a gentle way. Thank you for being with me, Nathan. Thank you for the last 5 years of happiness.”

I hugged him. This is my last chance to hug him and I am seizing it.

I still love him. I love him right now. I love him more than he loved me before.

“Mahal na mahal kita, Nathan. I truly wish for your happiness. Salamat sa mga memories na binuo nating dalawa. Hanggang dito na lang talaga tayo, masakit man pero kailangan din natin sigurong maranasan ang ganito... To learn. Because learning never stops.”

I sobbed while hugging him. I guess this is fine. Ito naman na ang huli naming pag-uusap.

“Thank you for being so understanding, Nathalie. I fell out of love, but I know that you were my greatest love and you will always be. Thank you, Nathalie. Really.”

He hugged me back.

It feels different too.

#