The day that running stopped working

I. Circular Thinking

"This is your second therapy session Mr. Brooks, why don't we continue from where we finished last time, shall we?"

I thought that I will always be safe if i managed to run from my fears. Exhausting my brain running and running, listening to all kinds of music to stop overthinking for a moment. I thought that my brain was just giving me irrational thoughts that would consume my mind and not let me sleep. Some people would say that running from your fears will only cure your pain momentarily, and now I am understanding this...

"It was difficult but I had managed to suppress my thoughts and try to make other things to help me focus on something else. But doctor, I feel like my subconscious is thinking separately from me"

Even I don't know what is going on so it is hard to explain. My eyes start to water while I'm shaking in despair.

"Sometimes I have this thoughts that make me very anxious, deaths from the people I love, people mentally destroying me, seeing people that are my world change into monsters that hate me and want to make me suffer. I sometimes cant distinguish if this thoughts are real or not, not quickly at least. Now I thought that by doing exercise and run, this nightmares would go away, and they did, or they.. they used to. Now, I think my subconscious is still thinking some of this things in the back of my mind which give me nausea, headaches, muscle pain and insomnia. I try to figure what exactly my brain is thinking but Im not able to 100%. It is tricking me into trying to figure out the problem by giving me small pieces of information about what it is thinking, which make overthink what my other part of my mind is thinking".

Yea, I told this didn't make sense, it is so difficult to explain.

"It.. it is like a infinite loop of thinking, my subconscious starts overthinking and i try to figure what the hell is it thinking so i overthink, and by doing this my subconscious starts stressing and overthinking more and it never stops. I want it to make it stop PLEASE"

As I break down into pieces telling this to my psychologist, tears fall down my eyes after so many years. It was nice in some part, although I would be better if I was not having so many issues with my mind recently.

"This circular thinking is nothing I have ever experienced, and its destroying me. Im not strong even though I show that I am, because I don't want to worry anybody, specially if they wont understand me. I think nobody will, even you don't understand, right doctor?"