there are millions of things i wish i could say to you. and at this point, this is the only way i could do that. i know you'll never read this, but it makes me feel better to put it in to words even though i'm not really good at this.
[i really want to talk to you but i don't know how to tell you that without sounding annoying, i really want to tell you i miss you but i don't know how to without feeling needy, i really want to tell you how much i love you but i don't know how to without feeling desperate, i really want to tell you how sad i have been lately but i don't know how to without feeling dumb, i really want to have a regular conversation but i can't do that without telling you how i feel about you]
i can never be just friends...
my perfect baby, i remember the first day we met, it was like time itself froze, i remember our first conversation and how cute you were. i still remember how you made me smile unknowingly and made me feel alive, like i still could feel things, like i could still love and be loved. you made me feel better about being myself, you made me feel alive again and i fell inlove. unexpectedly i met you and you changed me to become good. loving you made me forget about every hurt from my past, you became my main reason not to give up on life. i keep thinking there was a way for us to work, like maybe if we met when we were both more mature or i was less broken. people tell me that it just wasn't meant to be but i refuse to believe them. i refuse to believe there is someone more perfect in this world then you, "you carved your initials into my heart, tattooed it in ink". you were my beginning, middle and end. i would never let you go, i'm not sure if i can. you know i didn't just loose you, i lost my ability to live, i lost everything, i miss you, i miss our dumb jokes, i miss you, i miss talking to you, i miss sharing all our days and weekends together, i miss calling you every day and night (fuck), i miss doing the funniest things ever with you, i miss our songs, i miss our snapchat games, i miss when we played among us together and killed everyone else, i miss our tea sessions, i miss holding your hand through crowds, i miss hugging you, i miss kissing you, i miss cuddling up next to you, i miss when you annoyed me, i miss bullying you, i miss when you cared - when you stayed late after school to make sure i got home, when you never let me walk home alone make sure i was safe, and so so many things that make make me laugh of out nowhere then make me cry hysterically, knowing i can't relive it, knowing i can't make more memories with you. i know so well that we are twin flames, soul ties, soulmates or whatever people call someone you always going to be disgustingly romantically involved with, someone that you are always going to love, care, adore and be head over heels for. i wish i could just protect you from everything. i will never regret loving you. i can't help but blame myself for everything, i can't blame you, i can never be mad at you. i can't make you the villain because, you aren't. you were the angel sent to me, to teach me what was right (lowkey got humbled by younger you) but anyways i love you and you love me. and i almost had you. you were almost mine, and "almost" fucking breaks my heart constantly but, maybe that's all we are allowed to be, an incomplete sentence, a half written story, finished without an end. but baby! i pray our story doesn't end here. i'm not moving on, i've already told you that. why? you may ask?? because maybe you're the only person i've ever loved, maybe cause love has no name if it's not yours, maybe because you the only person that is able to break me so completely, but i wouldn't have it any other way, i'd let you hurt me over and over, do it as many times as you please, do it until you love me again.
you deserve to know i loved you, i still do. you will forever have my heart, i cry for you almost every day, i ache for you, i will forever hold our memories and take it out on rainy days to still remember the feeling that you gave me. so i'm sorry that i can't be just friends.
i hope you remember everything we've been through, i hope you remember everything we were, all the i love you more fights and things, i hope you understand that all the small things meant everything to me. you were the reason i got out of bed to see if you messaged, you kept me smiling and happy, you kept me believing in myself, you made things easier, thank you for the past 30 months of knowing you, they were the best i've had with someone, no one else could ever compare to you. i'm glad god gave me a chance to be with someone like you.
i hope you find what you looking for out there, i hope you find your own kind of happiness that exists on your own terms, i hope you take the time to truly figure out what moves you, what encourages you and what you deeply crave for your life and i hope you have the courage to chase that, i hope you have the courage to truly believe you are deserving of everything you desire, that you are capable and worthy of making a life that sends sparks in your soul, i hope you never let any inconvenience or uneasiness stand in your path, you are capable, you are deserving, you are worth it. i pray that maybe one day we'll meet again, and you can tell me about all the amazing things you've done, all the places you've traveled, all the people you've met, all the great accomplishments you've made. and then you'll ask me what have i done with my life and i will reply "i waited for you".
i love you to eternity & beyond!
- t.
