Jed woke up out of his bed early one morning. He did this basically every morning. He put his hand a top his alarm clock, but found that it had been accidentally place on the other side of the room after a long night of binge drinking.
"Ah! It was probably my cat"
Jed had a very smart cat. His cat tended to do things like jump from high places, clean up after itself, and go on midnight killing sprees at the local old folks' home. But it wasn't Jed's cat that misplaced his alarm. His cat was actually dead, as Jed would discover when he stepped off of his bed and fell onto the floor (his bed was one of those really tall ones that you need a ladder to climb up to, only he didn't have a ladder because ladders were illegal).
"Oh no," said Jed "Ms. Fluffers is dead!"
Ms. Fluffers was his girlfriend, who was also lying dead on the floor next to his cat, Stacie.
Jed picked up the carcass of his girlfriend and swore to go on one last bank heist in her honor. Oh yeah, Jed is a criminal. I forgot that part. I forget parts like that a lot usually because I'm too busy telling other parts of the story for effect. Like the thing about Jed's cat. I liked his cat. I wish she wasn't dead. I suppose I could have written that differently but it probably would have been extremely detrimental to the plot line.
And wait if Jed is a criminal why didn't he just make a ladder for his bed? Like, criminals do illegal stuff all the time. I don't understand Jed very well. maybe he's stupid. He must be really bad at bank heists. That's probably why his apartment looks so dumb. Did I mention his apartment was dumb? It's so stupid. It's just a bed and like, an oven. I don't even know what Jed does for fun.
Anyways Jed realized how difficult it would be to rob a bank alone. He tried that once at a small bank in Alaska but after that he had been...on thin ice. Quite literally, Jed spent a majority of the time trying to get away on a frozen lake. I mean seriously, Jed why did you think that was a good idea at all? What prompted such foolhardy planning?
Jed had a big scruffy beard like Santa Clause and also hated children like Santa Clause. But his hair was more of a dark brown like Charles Manson. He apparently had some other things in common with Charles Manson too but my lawyer told me not to put that in this book because I could get arrested and thrown in jail for up to half the sentence given for owning a ladder.
His voice was deep, but not too deep so as to scare people. it was more of a sexy deep, like James Earl Jones. IN fact his biggest problem when robbing banks was that his voice often made the civilians fall in love with him more than fear him. One time Jed robbed a bank in Florida and that year he took popular vote in the General Election for presidency. His campaign was to reinstate ladders for personal use only; he would've lost the Christian vote if he had brought ladders to the private sector.
Jed knew he would need a crew, so he picked up his phone and immediately threw it out the window. He then hooked up his old fax machine and began sending faxes.
