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Chapter 8

My eyes pop open at five in the morning, I'm in a mess of my own sweat and my breathing is rigid. This seems to be what happens every morning now, I wake up too early from the dreams that haunt me. I stand up from my bed and head to the washroom to rinse the sweat off my body. I look in the mirror and I'm greeted with my messy hair and dark circles under my eyes, I close my eyes and rub my face hoping to open them and see a put together girl but instead when I open my eyes I am greeted with a deranged shell of child, she looks beaten and defeated, she is me but I feel even worse inside. I try to block out my image in the mirror using my hands, I can't look away I'm too mesmerized by the person I see, but slowly I feel myself shrink to the floor and tears begin to run. I curl up into a ball looking the way I feel. I'm falling apart slowly and I can't seem to keep myself together, my body begins to shake violently. Keep it together, you need to calm down I tell myself but it's easier said than done. I close my eyes for a slight moment but all I see is that dark lonely room, that I cannot return to so my eyes. I force myself to stand up, I use everything I have left to stand up and go back to my room and soon enough I'm sitting on my bed swinging my feet. I search through my bed side table for something to help me calm down, I take one of the anti-depressants but one isn't any help, I take one more and close my eyes but all I see is the blood on me but it wasn't my blood, I open my eyes once again and take another and suddenly I feel my heart beat start to pound as my body falls off the bed and onto the floor, my head hits the floor with a bang and then-*** My eyes slowly flutter open, it takes my eyes a moment to adjust to the brightness but they do, I find myself in a hospital room, I try and pull my arms up but they are chained to the bed, what is happening? There's nobody here, I begin to pull my arms again with no luck, then the door opens revealing my mother and father "oh ev thank god you're alright." My mother says running towards me and hugging me "we were so worried." My father adds "why are my arms locked, why am I here?" I ask frantically not sure what is happening. "you don't remember what happened yesterday?' my dad asks I shake my head "I remember taking some pills but that's it." I say "Evelyn, early this morning you took to many pills and your body almost shut down, we thought you tried to-"she doesn't have to finish her sentence because I already know what she was saying "no I was feeling anxious and I couldn't get rid of the feeling, mom, dad I would never try to kill myself, don't you believe me?" I ask they say nothing "guys." I whisper by they ignore it 'the doctor has recommended a therapist for you to see." My mom says "therapists don't help me, I told you already." I say "I don't care Evelyn after we finish your papers we are going straight to this therapist I don't want to lose you." My mom says with tears in her eyes "Evelyn this morning we could've lost you and I don't want to think about a world without you, your brother is coming later on today for you and hopefully that will help." My dad says and I nod my head. The door then opens revealing a doctor "alright everything looks good but I want your mom to hold on to your medications for now on so this won't happen again but in all your body seems to be functioning fine so you are free to go." The doctor explains I nod "thank you so much." my mom and dad say and the doctor nods. The doctor comes towards me and unfastens the clasps on my wrists and I thank him quietly while sitting up on the uncomfortable hospital bed "what time is it?" I ask rubbing my head "only noon." My dad says and I nod, I slip on the shoes next to my bed and follow my parents to the front office where they sign me out then we make our way to the car. "Evelyn how are you feeling?" my mom asks worriedly "good." I say softly, "are you steady?" my dad asks and I nod "I'm fine dad." I say as we reach the car and I open the back door. My dad goes into the driver's seat while my mom takes a seat in the passenger "can we go home now?" I ask, and I see my mother shake her head slowly "no we need to get you help." She explains and I sigh "I swear I didn't mean to take four pills, it was an accident." I tell her "Evelyn how do you expect me to believe that? You have changed so much since you got back here and you've been so sad lately, I don't believe you." She says wiping her eyes, "I'm sick of all this." I sigh shaking my head, "I'm not some ticking time bomb, alright? I was just trying to fall asleep, why don't you believe me!" I say frustrated "Evelyn calm down please, don't yell at your mother like that." My dad interferes and I sigh and look out the window, I just want to go home and stay in my room. Another five minutes pass and finally we are outside of a small little house. My mom and dad get out of the car "ev." My dad warns and I sigh stepping out of the car and following behind them. As we knock on the door, soon later a man in his mid-forty's opens it, "oh you must be the Shires." He smiles sticking out his hand to my mom and dad, his hair was graying and he had pale blue eyes, his face was welcoming and his smile seemed comforting, like any therapists would. "You must be Evelyn, come on in." he tells me and I roll my eyes and step inside, "bye ev we will see in an hour." My dad says kissing me on the cheek followed by my mother, "bye." I say emotionless. "So Evelyn, how are you?" he asks me guiding me through his house until we got to a little room, he stepped in and gestured me in then shut the door, "I'm fine." I tell him and he nods "my name is Bobby and let's take a seat shall we?" he asks with that same obnoxious smile "so before we start I just want to tell you this room is a safe place, anything you say in here stays in here unless the information can bring you harm." He tells me and I nod. I look around the office, it was a small white room with two couches a window and hard wood floors, it felt cozy in all honesty but not cozy enough to help me in anyway. "Alright so let's start, how about you tell me about yourself." He suggests and I nod "my name is Evelyn, I like purple and you probably already know everything about my past and situation, assuming my parents told you." I say and he chuckles a bit "I see you got knowledge on therapists then?" he asks I nod "too many to count." I say and he nods "alright how about we talk about what happened last night." He says "nothing." I tell him and he sighs "you do know the first step of getting over this bump in the road is talking about it right?" he asks and I shake my head "all I want to do is forget about it." I say and he nods "why?" he asks and I look him straight in the eyes and say "because it was hell." And he nods "I understand that, being taken away from your family and friends for that long would be." He says and I nod, "but it haunts you then? That time away from everyone and everything?" he questions, I shrug "every moment of the day." I tell him "does it ever seem like too much, like you're never going to get through this phase of your life?" he asks and then I understood what he was getting at " yesterday I didn't try to kill myself alright? I was trying to fall asleep and I didn't know the risks of the pill, I didn't think...... I...I just wanted it to go away." I slip and Bobby looks at me and I know he thinks he has a breakthrough but I'm not slipping up again, "what did you want to get away from?" he asks "nothing." I sigh running my fingers through my messy frizzy hair, and bobby looks at me "Evelyn, you need to talk about this out loud, you're never going to feel better without just talking about it." He tells me, and maybe because I was over tired or I was just sick of everyone around me but I finally snapped and stood up " im not some fucken doll you can fix! I don't need help im fine, I can live with it!" I yell and walk to the door, I try to yank the door open but its locked, "Evelyn calm down, close your eyes and take three deep breaths." He instructs and I shake my head " I think we are done for today." I sigh "Evelyn sit down please, you were making progress." He says "I'm really just not ready for this, im tired and my head hurts, please just let me call my parents." I say and he sighs "alright, I can tell you are distressed." He says standing up and heading towards the door with a key, he unlocks the door but stands in front of it "Evelyn I can't tell you that I understand what you're going through but you need to accept the past and talk about it. So to finish this session I hope you come back next week so we can continue." He sighs walking away from the door and I yank the door open and walk straight out the door without looking up and soon I feel my body collide with another, as im about to fall and a hand grabs my wrist pulling me up, and as soon as I look up my eyes widen, no way, "Evelyn?" he asks "Niall." I breath out, "why are you here?" I ask "I live here." He smiles, "wait your dad is bobby?" I ask and he nods, this is so embarrassing, I look like a psycho and I'm walking out of a therapists office what is this boy thinking about me? "this is not what it look like." I blush and he smiles at me " I mean I don't know, it just-" he cuts me off before I can say anything else "you don't have to explain yourself." He smiles at me and my mouth forms a small smile, "do you maybe want to hang out?" I say as my eyes widen, what did I just say, what am I doing? Niall laughs "ya sure, when?" he asks, and I can't help but find myself blushing at the blonde boy, I think I may or may not have the tiniest bit of a crush on him, "like now maybe?" I ask feeling a bit bolder for once and he smiles "alright let me just grab my keys and we can go." He says, heading up the stairs before I say "can I by any chance use your washroom?" I ask softly and he smiles "ya you can use mine, come on." he says leading me up the stairs. O my god, what has just happened, literally not even five minutes ago I was having a small mental break down and now I am being led to nialls washroom, wow things are really moving. As we reach the top of the stairs, he opens up a door revealing a simple small wood bed along with wooden drawers, I spot the small bathroom and head inside "thanks." I tell him before I stepping inside. I look at the sink mirror and my jaw drops, I actually look like death, my hair is in knots, I have extremely dark circles and my face looks hollow and tired, I splash some water on my face, and try to brush through the knots in my hair with little luck, I check my wrists hoping to find an elastic band and thank the lord there was one "yes." I whisper as I gather my hair all together and quickly do a quick messy bun, I still don't look amazing but this will have to do. I walk out of the washroom to see Niall on his phone "I'm ready." I say and he smiles at me.