when i was younger {and by younger i mean like 6 months ago}, i always felt the need for everyone to like me. i bent over backwards. i smiled when i was mad. i didn't punch that chick in the face when she really deserved it. i agreed to do favors even if i thought it was wrong or stupid or didn't have the time to do them. i never said no. saying no right then just seemed weird and awkward and i feel bad now; cool. it's like i sorta kinda allowed myself to be everyone else's little punching bag, gutting me when they felt like it. low blow.
honestly, it was exhausting. my heart grew tired of the constant struggle to please everyone but myself. i took the phrase "putting others before yourself" waaaaaaay too seriously. and i'll never forget the moment i realized iiiiiiiiiiii am kinda being a dumbass right now. i was sitting there looking at a girl who was my friend but i'm not really sure if she ever was a friend at all. i was giving and giving and she definitely knew how to take. i took a good look into her eyes and finally came to terms that our friendship was a joke. she was holding me back, delaying spreading my wings into this future everyone keeps talking about. and there i was, a 17 year old girl with endless opportunities, but was sitting there doing what i always did receiving what i always resove. okay, so "resove" it's a word, but you get the idea. quirky humor, hardy har. i was sitting there listening to her rant about her asshole boyfriend when i could be changing the world and shit. i'd been living such a lie trying hard to better all the things and people around me to try and better myself; when in reality it wasn't me that sucked at all. it was them.
Victoria, not everyone is going to like you. i have a tendency to write letters to myself sometimes. sometimes there are truths to them, but most times they're as fake as the chick i was just writing about. this can kinda be one of them. and then i share it with all you guys and BAM; turns out there's people in the world like me. people who can relate. people who know they have a good heart and people who are those fun suckers to try and take advantage of it. there will be people that don't understand your silly humor and there will be people who don't like the way you laugh. and there will be people that hate you for your successes and pound you for your failures. they won't let you ever forget those failures. but letting them rule you - that's the real failure in itself. that little black lady said it best - ain't nobody got time fo dat. there will be people who hate your spaghetti and take advantage of your willing ways. i figured out there were people who judged my kindness for weakness and wanted to utilize my weakness for their gain. anddddddd no. you suck, you fun sucker and my life is way too cool for you BYE.
have you ever had a moment when you feel your name was thrown under the bus, and that damn bus backed up and hit you again? like ow. i mean i've never truly been hit by an actual moving bus, and didn't have the time to survey someone who has, but i feel like i can pretty much conclude it wouldn't feel awesome - but i have had that moment. and it's like all of a sudden, i started telling fewer people my stories and i'm not saying i dropped people in my life like flies but i kinda dropped people in my life like flies. buzz kill.
i don't know if there is anyone else like i was, and even to a certain extent still am. i will do anything for the people i care about. i will stay up until 4am to listen to you cry, i will advise you all day until i'm blue in the face, even if i don't have everything in my own life figured out. but what i learned was that i can tell you what i think and when i believe you're being out of line. and if you're like me, so can you. everyone isn't going to like you. but if you like yourself, have a handful of great friends and family, you won't have time to hate the people who hate you.
because you will be way too busy loving the people who love you.
