Punishment

The beginning

There was a light breeze this evening, which was the only company desired, and perhaps the most suitable. The streets were filled with people having lively conversations, wondering where they were going to have dinner, what they were going to do next, and most of them were going home to their significant other. I looked around me and the only thing I could see was how happy everyone was - the end of the working day, the end of the lonely hours, the end of the torture. Everyone was walking with smiles on their faces that made me wonder how they didn't hear the sound of broken glass. That breaking sound you hear when your life will never be the same again. That dull sound that sends you into a state between reality and non-reality.

My eyes were just moving, not settling on anything in particular, searching at the same time. Looking around for a certain familiar face. Praying he would show up and say it was all a damn joke. Finally, together to collect the broken pieces, with the help of which to build the heart that has been broken into millions of tiny pieces. The truth was, I felt nothing. All emotion was gone. My brain wasn't working as it should, because now I wasn't supposed to be aimlessly walking the streets, but having dinner in a restaurant with the love of my life.

I could only walk because if I sat down somewhere I might be stuck there forever, wondering where I went wrong, what changed, when it changed. At what point did he realize he would never need me again? For me, he was the life-saving breath of air before I passed out and never came back. His very presence helped me cope with life's difficulties. When he wrapped his arms around me I knew everything was going to be okay. Nothing could compare to his kiss. She was the drug I needed... and then I saw it. Everything seemed to stop moving.

I kept watching him from afar. I wasn't sure if he could see me, of course it didn't matter. He was leaning against a tree wearing black jeans and a white t-shirt that fit his slim frame perfectly. His unruly brown hair, through which I had run my hands countless times, was now neatly combed. His brown eyes scanned those passing by and when they landed on the right person he smiled. Like in slow motion, I followed his gaze and there she was. The girl I didn't have to worry about. The one he had known for years and meant nothing to him was now walking towards him and smiling too. The short blond blonde he had grown up with was now wearing a short blue dress that hugged her body. Even though I knew what was going to happen I didn't leave, I stayed to see how she wrapped her arms around him and pull him close, pulling away slightly so she could kiss him.

Someone pulled the trigger, which resulted in the bullet killing me on the spot. The pain came suddenly. I wanted to scream, run to them and ask since when, but I couldn't move. I couldn't bring myself to go to them and face the truth that he never really cared for me. I was never more than a cigarette to keep him company until the real drug came along. You know the feeling that goes through the whole body and flows into the heart, and then you can never stop again. You need it to live. It's the reason your happy hormones skyrocket and you never feel bad again after taking your daily dose.

I was bleeding in front of everyone, and no one tried to call an ambulance. A murder had been committed against me and every bit of my existence had been reduced to nothingness. I have become nothing. I was never enough, he was seeing her behind my back. God, what a fool I've been. Unable to watch anymore, I turned and walked into the nearest bar. I ordered a whiskey without ice and let the scorching liquid pass through my entire body. After the first, there was a second, and then I stopped counting. I stopped feeling, didn't let the tears run down my face. I didn't let the grief come to the surface, no one deserved to see me like this.

The world wanted to show me that I was that nobody who could not be truly loved. The air slowly began to leave my lungs and it was difficult for me to breathe. I tried to be good enough to deserve his love. But it was never enough. It was never going to be... It was the life-changing moment that changed me and showed me an alternative to what I deserved to happen to me. That was the day I made that decision which led to the moment I met my torturer.