Hayden's choice

chapter eight

i am now five moths pregnant. i have yet t speak to andrew, he doesn't call me, or text me. his mom calls me and ask how i am. but i know where he stands. kayla has been the best friend i could ever ask for, bring me food when i need it. taking me to doctor appointments when mom can't. i am schedualed to meet with possible adoptive parents tomorrow. i should not be doing this at seventeen. but right now. i am on my way to find out the sex of my baby. when my name is called, i lay on the table and patiebtly wait as the nurse prepares me for my ultrasound. i've always refused to listen to the heart book or even look at the screen, things would be harder this way but things are diffrent now. and i'm not sure why. because when the nurse asks me if i would like to hear the heart beat i'm quick to answer yes, and as i'm laying heere listening to my innocent childs heart beat, my baby. that i made. inside of me. a human being. my heart breaks and i begin to re think everything, am i making the right choice? is this the right thing to do? in the middle of my thoughts the nurse asks i i would like to know the sex. i tell her that that would be fine as i stare at t he screen that my helpless baby is on. "well congradulations, you're having a girl." a girl, my baby girl.. i like the sound of that. she cleans me up and leaves the room, and as soon as she does kayla jumps up and says "i now that look hayden, i know that face. i have been your best friend for how many years? you're thinking of keeping this baby arent you?" am i? "i don't know kayla. i was so sure before, but now, now that i hear and see my baby, my baby girl. what am i suppose to do?" "oh hayden. whatever your heart tells you. you know that." the car ride back to my house was silent. at least i think it was. i was thinking the whole time. about what to do now. i knew there was a reason why i didn't want to hear the heart beat or look at the screen. but what about my future. i'm suppose to be a doctor. everything is so complicating. i thought i knew what i was gonna do. i thought i had everything planned. i waasgonna have this baby and give it to it's new parents, but i don't know if i can carry this baby knowing i'm gonna have to give it up. i can't, i don't feel so strong anymore. this is the moment when i wish andrew was here the most. before i got pregnant things were so different. we were inseprebale. nothing could tear us apart. but ghe is also partly the reason why i considered adoption. he has nothing but a job as a mechanic. he does and sells drugs. i can't bring my baby girl in that life. my baby girl. i like the sound of that. i am now faced with another tough decision all over again...