(𝘾𝘼𝙉𝘾𝙀𝙇𝙇𝙀𝘿) random shitty thoughts at like 3 am/diary

so- summer break has started

and I guess things have been going good so far!

not gonna lie, when school finally stopped, i just didn't feel anything different. There was no celebration, no anticipation, it just ended.

It felt and still feels like a normal weekend, that will eventually pass on and school will start again.

So now I mostly just feel empty, i don't really have any money left, i'm keeping it for when my friends will want to hangout with me, so so far i'm only eating food from home, which can sometimes be kind of annoying-

not that "oOoo i can't buy luxury food for myself anymore", but more that since it's summer, flies are literally everywhere. And I hate eating the food because it's always littered with like 10 or more flies. Not all the time, but most.

and that's not exactly good, but you can mostly wash off that gunk.

but I fucking, we get a shit load of food, eat less than half of it, it rots, and then either one or two days pass without food. And then the cycle repeats.

and yes, it can be worse, I could be sitting at home with literally no food and starve, but i just feel bad every time. I don't eat, i feel good, I feel skinny, then I eat, I feel fat and i restrict myself to the best of my power to starve myself.

and i fucking know what's wrong with me, but at least I've stopped with the self-harm, mostly because I don't have any more razors left, but still.

I feel calm. too calm.

like every day is going smoothly without any breaks, and i know that never ends food, something bad always happens in the end.

And I've kind of just noticed how useless I am, and have been. Sitting in my room, I don't want to go outside because I'd be too much of a pain to change into normal clothes, and i'm not getting any invites to hangout because i've lost connection with a bunch of people.

And i know that it's my fault, and I know i'm not going to kill myself, and I know going to rot in my bed forever and ever, until summer finishes.

i guess i just feel numb that's all.

i hug my plushies, reading wattpad fanfictions, taking a bath whenever i feel disgusting, and responding to any texts. And again, and again, and again.

i want to text my teacher, I want to ask for help because she offered, but I also don't want to bother her. She has her own 4 kids and also a husband, that's more than enough leverage.

and i just want to be with a friend of mine, hugging them whilst crying, i want to feel vulnerable for just a few seconds and get comfort in return.

I want to be alone with someone, fuck- I want to do a lot of things. I want to make a goofy book, I want to get my lazy ass up to actually drink something, I want to go outside and skateboard.

Damn.. I know that i'm only a human being, I know I make mistakes, I know other people make mistakes, i know other people have problems, and so do I.

So why should I crave attention, why do I crave touch, fuck I'm pathetic.

I want to find someone, I want to go to their house everyday, just so I could escape mine, I want to cuddle with them, watching object shows and holding hands.

fuckk- I guess I just want love...

ANYWAYS- THIS WAS CRINGE AF
(756 words)

i uhh- drew today