Of The Wolves And The Orphans

Matters Of The Heart

I wish I could say the following days were all a blur. To some extent, they were. Interrogations, investigations, and all manner of exams took place, one after another, on Zeke. He was under constant surveillance. Doctors of all types of PhD's stood behind the glass scribbling notes onto their clipboards during each exam. Just the sight of them disgusts me. I don't want them near Zeke, studying him like he's some sort of criminal who is disposable enough to do behavioral experimentation on.

This brings me to another point.

What do I feel about Zeke?

If I am honest with myself, I am one-hundred percent positive that I have 0 percent of an idea.

All I am trying to do right now is get him through this alive. Figuratively. Does this mean I care for him? Maybe. Does this make me stupid? Of that, I am one-hundred percent sure. I'll sort out all the other feelings later.

There is one particular day, though, that stands out in my mind with crystal clear clarity. I remember every second of that day. Or particularly, a single part of that day. I got paged that my post mission psyche eval was scheduled for later that day. I was filled with an unshakeable dread that I labeled as paranoia. Nothing new. Just go in there, tell a few white lies, and walk out. Nothing to be nervous about.

Boy was I wrong.

The bastard, Richer Harris. Somehow I got stuck with him again. Of all SHIELD's medical, that one. I remember walking in, seeing his piercing blue eyes, hawk nose. I remember wiping the cold sweat of my palms on my jeans.

"Sit," he had said, cordially.

I didn't.

I thought about running for it, but how would that look on my file? Horrible. No, no running.

"I would prefer not to," I responded. Then it was procedure checkup. He asked how I felt about the mission. I answered honestly. I thought it was a disaster. He asked why I brought Zeke. Lie, I told myself. So I did. It slipped off easily. So easily I almost convinced myself. "He was an asset. He volunteered vital information on our target and willing cooperated with my investigation." It wasn't a complete lie. The best ones never are. Just a taste of truth. Either way, the shrink swallowed it. He asked how I was sleeping. Lie again. "Restfully. I just don't have time to get enough." Add a touch of a small smile, look down, look back up and casually meet his eyes. Relax posture. Breathe evenly. Look expectant for his next question. That was the formula I followed. It seemed to work. He asked how I felt about pulling the trigger. I felt my heartbeat spike and a sweat just start to accumulate at the center of my palms. I pushed both reactions back. I forced myself to regain control of my body. "It was difficult, but it was necessary. I always do what is necessary." An odd smile and look of what I can only describe as amusement touched his cold eyes. It was like he had found something he had been searching for. My brow furrowed as I noticed his body signs. A leaning forward, a narrowing of the eyes. He had found something. Was it that phrase? I didn't understand.

"What makes you say that?" he asked.

I felt unnerved. Something I didn't understand was going on. Tread carefully, I told myself. "Nothing." I gave a slightly breathless laugh, "it just kind of came out."

He leaned away, but his eyes still seemed keenly interested. The rest of the session was uneventful, but I can say I had to restrain myself from running out of there.

I think back over it as I walk through the maze of the Triskelion. It's been running around and around in my mind. I can't say why. He didn't do anything to trigger another melt down. He was warm, even, but I know when someone is false. He is false. Everything about him is false. Calculating. What little warmth he had was so calculated that what warmth and cordiality was there simply bled away. I don't understand, but I also know when there is something I don't understand. Something I'm skipping over. Something big. And it's driving me insane, figuratively. Although, maybe I am insane. I feel insane.