Not Too Late

Maya is sitting on the train, thinking. Thinking about her everyday. Thinking of life. Thinking of death. Everything would have been so much easier if she could just die. Silently fall asleep, and never wake up again. Not having to live in agony. Not having to live as a rag doll everybody tossed around. Threw in the ground. Stepped on. Never did anyone think of picking it up. It wasn't worth it. Hated. Outcast. Everything would have been so much easier if she could just die.

Katya sat on her spot on the train, on her way home from yet another day in school. She sat where she always sat. Her spot. Katya took a look around. Looked at the mothers jelling at their children. Looked at the old man walking slowly around checking tickets. Looked at Maya. She sat where she always sat. By the window. Looking out. No contact, whatsoever, with the world around her. Thinking. Katya felt sorry for Maya. Maya was such a sweet girl. Innocent. Straight trough kind. No-one saw it though. But Katya did. Katya wished she could talk to Maya, But Maya didn't talk. She wouldn't dare. Not to her. Definitely not to her. Didn't trust anyone. Always nervous. Shut inside her own mind. Letting no emotions show. Always tense. Ready to take the next push. The next nasty look. Next nick-name. Or comment. It wasn't weird that she didn't trust anyone. People can be so ugly.

It was Katya's fault, that it all started. She was the one who started it. One nasty comment. That had been enough. People tagged along. It escalated. Escalated quickly. No one ever thought of asking why she had transferred to their school. Katya got to know the truth quite fast though. Bullying. She moved for things to get better. It only got worse. It was her fault. But it was too late now. She couldn't undo what was done.

She sank deeper and deeper into depression. Maya knew that. Couldn't hide it any longer. Everyone knew. She could no longer manage to think a happy thought. Death. Death was the only happy though Maya had. The light in the end of her tunnel. A way out. Easy. Or hard? Not hard. She had nothing keeping her back. No friends. No family to call her own. All she had was a foster family who hated her. She just wanted ti get away. Get out. If there was a Heaven, this was Hell. She wanted to die. Die so she could rest. Silence. She hadn't slept for 48 hours, and she wouldn't for the next 24.

She threw her bag over her shoulder, and went into the bathroom. Locked the door behind her. Dug around in her bag until she found the box she was looking for. The box was white. White with a smile on it. Maya opened it. Took out a razor blade. It was blood on it. She had forgotten to clean it the last time she used it. There was times Maya wished she hadn't started. It was too late now, she thought as she rolled up her sleeve. She dragged the razor blade hard over her wrist. Blood. One more time. More blood. Should she cut her artery? No. That was not how she wanted to die. The plan was ready. Today was the day. She had made up her mind now. Soon she would see the light in the end of her tunnel. She just had to get off the train first.

Katya looked over at Maya's again. She wasn't there. Where could she be. Katya spotted her on her e\way to the toilet. All of a sudden Katya felt frightened. Something was off about this. Was she gonna kill herself in there? She had her bag with her. Katya knew, from snooking around in her bag a couple of days earlier that she had a box of razorblades in there. If Maya died, it was her fault. It was she who started it after all. Why hadn't she just kept her mouth shut. It was too late now. She couldn't change the past, but she could do something about the future. Katya got up quickly, as Maya got out of the lavatory. She hadn't done it. The relief flushed through her body. It wasn't too late afterall. Katya got back to her spot. Breathed out heavily. It wasn't too late afterall.

Maya got back to her place. All she could feel now was relief. In half an hour she would be dead. The thought calmed her. It all felt easier. Bearable. She felt relief and a slight burning where the cuts were. Slight burning in the new ones, brief itching from the old. She looked at her watch. Soon. 10 minutes to her holdingplace, 15 to the next train who didn't stop arrived. 25 minutes left to eternal rest. Noone would notice that she didn't leave at once, as she used to. Noone ever noticed her, why should they start now? And if they did it would be too late.

Katya looked at Maya again. She looked calm. Relaxed, even. Why?

Finally the everlasting ten minutes were passed. Maya could feel herself smiling. Smiling slightly. Smiling more than she had done the last three years. Soon it would all be over. Her life was already over. She had been dead on the inside for over a year, now finally her outside could reflect her inside.

Katya got off the train right behind Maya. She was going to follow her the whole way home. Something was off about her. She had to make sure that her suspiscions weren't gonna become reality.  

Maya sat down on a bench and waited.She put her earbuds in and put the volume up. She had just enough time for three songs. She had made the playlist on the train. Her three last songs. Her three favourite bands. No Control, Walk With Me in Hell, Secret Door. Set it Off, Lamb of God, Evanescence. She had planned it well. First Set it Off with No Control, where he sings about having no controll over your life and needing help. Then, Walk With Me in Hell by Lamb of God, just because she lived in Hell, and she needed someone to walk with her, her music had done that. And last Secret Door by Evanescence, because death was her secret door, her way out of Hell and into silence.

Katya sat down making a couple of benches inbetween the two of them, wouldn't wanna seem like she was stalking her. She took up a magazine and tried her best to look normal. As if she was waiting for a train. Turned the pages quickly. Back and fourth. Couldn't concentrate. Why didn't Maya go home? What was she planning?

Maya stared infront of herself, into nothing. It was a bright day, sun, not a cloud could be spotted even though you wanted to. A beautiful day they'd say, the ones who could see the good sides of life. Maya didn't see any of this. She didn't notice her surroundings, the bright sun, the fresh spring-air, the birds singing their first songs in the treetops above her. All she could see were the train tracks who would be her way out of this miserable life. She found a sort of calm in this. The knowing that in a short amount of time she would be dead. Noone there to stop her. She was all alone, except from Katya who sat a couple of benches away. She wouldn't care, she was the one who started it all.

Katya wondered how she would stop Maya if she actually tried to jump. She knew that in four minutes there would come a train that didn't stop here. Maybe it was the one Maya was waiting for? If that was what she was planning on doing.

Maya looked at her watch again. One minute left now. She got up slowly. Went a little closer. Soon she could see tha train coming in the far distant. It was like the rest of the world was put on hold. She was the only one able to move. 30 seconds. Almost there now. The train came closer in a hell of a speed. Everything was quiet. The world held it's breath.

All of a sudden Maya got up and started walking. Towards the place the train would be in a few seconds time. Katya tried to move faster, but it was like running through jello. Maya was already there and ready to jump. There were no doubt about what she was going to do now. One foot already off the platform.

The train were in in Three. Maya put one foot out ready to step into nothing and into silence. The train just had to get closer first.Two. Soon. Soon she would rest. Soon she would sleep. Forever. Calm. Dreamless. Soon the nightmare who was her life would be over. She could feel her tear run down her cheek. Happy tear. She took one last deep breath. One.

Katya saw that it was too late.Too late to save her. Stop her. She knew she couldn't live with that guilt nagging on her the rest of her life. The knowing that it was all her fault. She should have kept her mouth shut. She Should have gotten to know the girl before she judged her. It was too late now. She could have done something about it earlier, but not now. It had gone too far. She knew she couldn't make this better. Couldn't change the past. It was too late to stop her. It was not too late to jump after.