When the Beat Drops (Chasing Celestine #2)

Chapter 48

CHAPTER 48

Cool

"Pheebs..."

When we went back to the condo, I felt like I was fucked over again by multiple men. I feel heavy and empty all at once. My body isn't aching but I feel like my heart is literally breaking in two.

I couldn't cry. I couldn't even think of anything anymore.

"Phoebe, pahinga ka na muna. It was just a week since you got kidnapped and..." Huminga siya nang malalim at napailing, "...And I hate seeing you break again."

"Again, Sab?" I smiled painfully and shook my head. "Paano ako masisira kung matagal na akong sira?"

"Hey, don't say that..." She gently held my hand and caressed it.

"Pahinga ka lang, 'nak. Bukas ulit." I repeated Tito Rubio's words. "Sa tuwing sinasabi ko kay tito na pagod na ako, hindi ko na kaya, 'yan ang lagi niyang sinasabi sa akin. Pahinga lang. Kasi bukas, masisira ulit ako."

"Phoebe, magkaiba—"

"Naiintindihan ko na yung sinasabi ni tito. I fuck men for a living, para kay mama. I fuck men because I couldn't get out of the syndicate. Now, I'm getting my heart fucked over and over. Para naman kay Karim. I can do this, right? I've been getting fucked for five years by different men. Kaya ito, wala lang sa akin 'to. Laban ulit bukas."

"Phoebe, hindi dapat ganito. May girlfriend na siya."

"But if this is the only way I could get him back, I'd gladly, willingly do it. For five years, I've been controlled. Deserve ko naman sigurong maging masaya? Maging malaya? Tuparin yung pangarap ko?"

Sabina breathed heavily and pulled me to her. "Will you be happy with this?"

"Even if Karim and I won't end up like how we planned it before..." I laid comfortably on Sabina and I closed my eyes, "...At least, I tried everything to get back with him. I've got no regrets. Kahit paano, nilaban ko pa rin. Some dreams don't happen and I've already accepted that. Pero masaya na ako kung susubukan ko. Sa kahit na anong paraan. I won't quit on the man, the reason why I'm still alive today."

My ear was against Sabina's chest, I could hear her racing heartbeat. I felt her slowly nodding.

"I don't like this plan of yours but promise me, in the end, you'll have no regrets."

Umiling ako, "Ayaw ko nang mangako, Sab. Gagawin ko na lang."

"Okay, Pheebs," She whispered and caressed my arm. "Yosi?"

Bumangon ako at ngumiti sa kanya. Tumayo siya at nilahad ang kamay sa akin bago niya damputin ang dalawang kaha ng yosi sa lamesa at ang isang lighter. Hers is mighty green and mine is marlboro red.

After we lit our cigarettes, we puffed and blew it together.

I like how it aches my throat. How it tightens my chest. I also like the relief when I exhale. It mimics the inhale, hold, exhale technique Karim introduced to me. That was almost ten years ago. Inhale all your bad thoughts, memories, and feelings. Hold those in, make them remind you of the pain and anger, and slowly exhale them. Let them out of your system.

Pero tulad ng sigarilyo, hindi lahat ng mga nilalanghap mo ay maibubuga mo rin. May mga mananatili sa loob mo. And those will slowly kill you. May mga namamatay, may mga nakakaligtas. Baka swertihan na lang.

Maybe it's how life is designed to be. Maybe luck exists somewhere in this world. But I'm sure, it doesn't exist in me.

Hindi ko alam yung schedule ng mga klase ni Karim. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko malalaman 'yon. I can't just ask the registrar to give me his scheds. Swertihan na lang. Kung makakasalubong, mabuti. Pero kung makakasalubong ko siya na kasama ang bago niyang girlfriend... Well, I deserve that pain. I deserve the consequence of leaving him years ago.