Was It Always Us? | COMPLETED ✔

𝙼𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚃𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝙴𝚗𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑

I turned away and laid down on the bed. Lily was still standing there, and I felt bad for being angry at her, but I wasn't going to admit it. Soon after, I felt the mattress dip and someone pull the blanket over themselves. I didn't turn around. I didn't speak. I didn't apologise. 

What can you do when your life begins to crumble into bits? One moment, everything's amazing, and then it all melts away until there's nothing left but a person trying to grasp the broken pieces of their consciousness. When I saw my mother in the ICU, I didn't feel happy. Or even sad. I felt pity. Pity for her. I pitied her because she was an awful person and knew it herself.

 I pitied her because she never tried to change. 

I pitied myself a little too. I didn't deserve the childhood I got. Josh didn't deserve the beatings, the scars, and his deteriorating mental health. Nobody deserves that, no matter how bad or repulsive they are. But I realised that all I needed was a little anger and resentment to turn myself into my mother.

I should have gotten better, she used to say.

I should have, too. But I didn't. And sometimes you have to accept that. Because those who don't stay cooped up with their hard feelings until those feelings consume their whole being, turning them into something even they, themselves can't recognise. 

I had so much to live for now. A wife I would love till the last stars in the universe burned into oblivion. A brother who needed me to be an anchor to him. A child who considered me her father. And friends who would do anything to help me during rough times. 

And maybe that was enough. Maybe I didn't get a good adolescence. But I have all I could want now.

And that's enough.

 More than enough.

***

"Atlas? Look, I'm sorry." 

I pretended to be asleep. I didn't want to face her right now. Not because I was still angry at her. Because I was a little ashamed.

"I know you're awake."

I still laid as still as a rock. She began shaking my shoulder. I groaned.

"I don't want to talk." I muttered.

"But I do. And as my husband, it's your obligation to obey me."

"What the-?"

"Yeah. Now, turn around. Quickly."

I hesitated, but I figured there was no getting out of this. When I finally looked at her, I felt like my eyes were burning. She was so pretty. 

And she was mine.

 And that was enough. 

Lily always used to compliment me on my blue eyes. But at that moment, it was her eyes that seemed to glow unnaturally, filling with an emotion I've never been able to decipher. 

"Stop staring at me like that." she said.

"As you say, wife."

I pulled her closer and hugged her, settling my face in the crook of her neck. I breathed in her scent, which was like freshly blooming flowers and evergreen. Made sense, honestly, considering how she gave me life too. She was stiff for a little bit before she wrapped her hands around me as well. Her red hair fell over my face, and I played with it. She didn't say anything. Neither did I. Didn't need to. 

"I'm sorry." she repeated.

"For what?" I mumbled.

"For being an idiot. And not giving you your space."

"I shouldn't have been angry with you. And I'm sorry too."

I felt her relax a bit.

"Hmm," she spoke. "Do you think Sutton has a-a chance? Of, you know, surviving?"

I didn't reply.

"Not really. It's bad. Really bad. But I have you, so it'll be fine. I'm worried about Josh, though."

"I talked to him, you know. I don't think you should be very worried."

We fell into a comfortable silence. The taunts that rang in my ears since the visit to the hospital seemed to fade into the back. The rags of smoke that clouded my vision, whispering melancholia, dissipated, their screams of agony bringing me relief. 

I hugged her tighter.

***

I didn't know when I fell asleep, but when my eyes opened, sunlight was streaming through the translucent curtains, wrapping the room in its embrace. Dust motes danced in the air. It was quiet. Really quiet. Like the calm before a storm. I sighed, glancing at Lily, who had her arms around my waist. Her red hair pooled in front of her face. Her mouth was slightly open, and she was drooling. I smiled, and slowly made my way out of her grip, making sure she didn't wake up.

I stopped in front of Josh's room. I didn't want to go in. I didn't know what to expect. But I had to.

I knocked, and heard a shout telling me to come in. Josh was sitting on his beanbag, popcorn and snacks spread across the table in front of him. His eyes looked like they were going to pop out of his sockets.

"Have you been staying up?"

"Yeah, couldn't sleep. Wassup?"

"Sutton." I decided to go straight to the point. He sat bolt upright. His hands were fidgeting with the drawstrings of his pajamas and he looked almost guilty. Ashamed. Scared. A little like me. I went and sat next to him.

"She's in the ICU." 

I expected him to, I don't know, have an outburst or cry or something. But instead he just sat still for a moment and then nodded. 

"Okay."

"Do you wanna go meet-"

"Nope. I'm fine."

I narrowed my eyes.

"Lily told me about the talk you had with her."

I was disturbed by the things I'd heard, but they were understandable. It had never even occurred to me that maybe Josh wasn't all that comfortable with meeting Sutton on our 'family' dinners that she rarely attended. And the pit in my stomach seemed to deepen. It was my turn to feel guilty. 

"I'm sorry if I forced you to-" I began, but he interrupted me.

"You were an asshole, yes. But you didn't know. So it's okay."

I rolled my eyes.

"If I could, I'd wash your mouth with lye soap."

"But you can't."

"I'm still sorry, Josh."

"You know what? Fine. You wanna be a good person and apologise, right? Then come and watch this with me." he gestured to the TV.

"I'm sorry, I sort of went temporarily deaf. What did you say?"

He laughed and hugged me.

And the guilt that had been gnawing at me finally let go.

***

Listening to Runaway while writing this made me cry a little, because I sort of feel sad that we're almost to the end. How'd you like this chapter? Like always, it's unedited, though. 

Don't forget to upvote and comment <3