Project Beautiful: An Autobiography

Introduction

May 26th, 2011, Toronto. My mom was six months pregnant, with HELLP syndrome. Hemolysis, elevated liver enzymes, and low platelet count. I was supposed to be born three months later, in August, but there I was.

I weighed in at 1 pound, 7 ounces, and there was a high chance that both me and my mother wouldn't make it. Despite being born premature, I was a survivor from the minute I took my first breath, which the doctors were quite surprised at, since I wasn't supposed to be breathing on my own. But I never really have been anything I was "supposed" to be anyways.

I was always very small for my age for a long while, and although I caught up in my size, I was already ahead in my thinking.

Most kids only have a couple first words they might start saying, and they slowly learn to form sentences. Then there's me. I went from saying "momma", "hi", and "bye", to "I'll be back in a minute," and off I went.

I wouldn't say I was beyond my years, or a genius or anything, but more neurodivergent.

I was a bit of a loner at school, and I usually never had more that two friends at a time. In grade 2 I had a best friend. Let's call her Stacie. Now Stacie and I had a falling out in grade three, because we were in separate classes, and she was making new friends. I-like I said before-didn't have really any friends other than her, so I was kinda jealous. I had good reason though. Stacie and I had hung out ALL summer, and I though we would have hung out at school too, but after we got put in different classes, it was a whole different ballpark.

I remember one of the situations that really sticks with me. I had invited her over to my house after school, and we were probably in grade four. Stacie kept asking if we could hang out outside, so I was like, "Sure, why not?" Then, once we got outside, she wanted to go to our school.

I live right beside the public school we were going to, so this was quite easy. So we went over, and I immediately spot some of our classmates. She had obviously spotted them too, because she went over to hang out with them, leaving me by myself. Sure, I could have gone over, but these were definitely not my people, and I was too upset to deal with them anyways.

I remember storming away from the school without giving a second glance to Stacie. I came into the house, crying and slamming the door furiously. I think I said something like, "I hate her!"

Honestly, I don't take it back. I don't hate her anymore, but I haven't forgiven her either. We were friends for about four years. Even through the Covid-19 pandemic, when her parents said I wasn't allowed to come over.

In grade five, we were put in a 4/5 split class, and I became friends with a couple new kids. One of them, was hyperactive, a bit immature, and impulsive. She was the complete opposite of me. Yet, we became friends. If you think I'm going to say that it's because opposites attract, you'd be wrong.

Unfortunately, I was pretty insecure at that age, had basically no concept of boundaries, and was a people pleaser. So, of course, because the one thing I didn't stand for, was bullying, when everyone treated her horribly, I took her under my wing. She asked me to be her friend, and even though I thought she was a little annoying, I was scared to say no, so I agreed.

We later started hanging out with another girl who was a year younger than us, and we were an inseparable trio.

Sort of. The other girl was very blunt, and a little annoying, and she gave me nicknames, and I was obsessed, and I crushed on her for the whole school year.

Now this wasn't the first time I'd had experience with liking other girls. Another childhood friend that I had, introduced me to the queer community at the age of seven. Probably much quicker than my mother could handle. I remember I would walk her home, and she would kiss my cheek, and for some reason I thought this was completely normal.

I always loved when we would play Barbies, because we wouldn't play it like normal kids would. We made gay couples, and lesbian couples, and trans people with her barbies. My favourite dolls were her made-to-move Barbies, because I liked making the lesbian couples.

So, this aside, when I realised I was crushing on my best friend, I was quite aware with the term "lesbian", and then decided that's what I was.

In my early Wattpad days, I wrote a book called Lucid Dreams. Don't bother trying to find it though, because I deleted it years ago. Anyways, I wrote this book about a girl who liked her friend, and had lucid dreams, and formed a relationship with her through her lucid dreams.

Well, my mom ended up finding the book. She asked me about it one night, and of course I used names with the same first letters as the real people, so she knew exactly who I was talking about.

It's kind of funny how in media, lots of LGBT+ books, movies, and shows, the whole story is the main character coming out, but I don't have a coming out story. I joke with my friends that I just got "yoinked" out of the closet. My mom sort of just found out, and I admitted to it, and that was it. She probably did one of those "I love you no matter what" speeches, but I honestly don't remember.

*****

Fast forward to that summer, I was at the girl's house, and we were talking about crushes while taking a walk around the block, and I told her I thought I was bisexual-I'd done lots of questioning in between when I came out and this-and I told her that I liked a girl in our class. She started listing off all the girls in our class. She got to "me", and I hesitated before saying no, and she continued asking me about different people.

We went back inside, and up to her room, and she was probably still asking me about it, and then I 'fessed up and said I lied. I told her that I did like her.

Honestly, I consider myself pretty lucky. The first time I ever confessed to someone's face, let alone a girl, a girl who I was friends with, and she took it quite well. She was sort of flustered, and I remember her saying,

"Really? Me?" She sounded sort of surprised, and a little flattered. Then she asked if we could be just friends, and I said that was fine.

I didn't tell her because I thought anything would happen, because I've never understood the kids who date before they've even gotten to highschool, but more just to get it off my chest. She said she was going to go to the bathroom, and sometimes I wonder if she texted one of her other friends about it-they weren't too fond of me-, but that was a couple years ago, so there's not really any use dwelling on it.

After that, we went over to our school with her mom and her two younger siblings to hang out. I popped in my house quickly, and told my mom excitedly,

"I told ___!" Then I rushed back out of the house before she could even react.

If only I knew that was just the beginning of a series of events that would change my life forever.