𝐋𝐄𝐓 𝐈𝐓 𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐄𝐍 . . . 𝐚𝐥𝐞𝐱 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐥𝐥

07. 𝙝𝙤𝙩 𝙤𝙧 𝙣𝙤𝙩

07. hot or not

season one, episode three: tape 2, side a

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"You've heard of the butterfly effect, right? That if a butterfly flaps its wings at just the right time, it can cause a hurricane thousands of miles away. It's chaos theory. But see, chaos theory isn't exactly about chaos. It's about how a tiny change in a big system can affect everything.

Chaos theory. Sounds dramatic, but it's not. Ask a mathematician. Or better yet, ask someone who's been in a hurricane.

Alex Standall. You caused the hurricane. It's your turn. Little did I know you would F my L forever. Little did I know you would be my hurricane."

Nessa walked through the courtyard with Zach, taking a spot toward the front of the stairs to watch her boyfriend play in the jazz band this morning. Why they were playing, she had no idea, but it was her duty to support him whenever and wherever. So, there she stood, watching him pull his instrument out of the case and warm up.

She had listened to his tape last night, but she hadn't told him yet. It was driving her crazy, not being able to talk to anyone about it. She gazed at her boyfriend, who was clearly having a spirited conversation with Troy, the leader of the jazz band. She watched as Alex argued a little with him, and then as he took his guitar off and slammed it down, walking away.

"Shit." she muttered as she followed Alex through the courtyard. She sped up her pace, extending her short legs as she eventually reached Alex, who was standing with his back toward the courtyard, his head in his hands.

"What just happened?" Nessa asked as she stepped in front of Alex, forcing him to face her.

"Troy's a dick, that's what happened." Alex replied vaguely.

"Maybe you think I'm being silly. I'm some stupid girl who gets all worked up over a little thing. But, little things matter. For instance, you never told me when you started dating Jessica, but I remember just how it ended. With your list."

Alex continued pacing around, his anxiety still spiked, even in the presence of his girlfriend. Nessa tried to calm him down, placing a hand on his shoulder or wrapping her arms around him, but nothing was working. He was clearly worked up.

"Is 'Gloomy Sunday' really a song?" Clay Jensen asked Alex as he walked up to the couple.

"Yeah." he said. "Google 'Hungarian Suicide Song'."

"I'll take your word for it." Clay said as he sat down, and Alex and Nessa took a seat as well. Clay shuffled with his bag, pulling something out of it that Nessa couldn't quite see.

"Alex, can we talk about this?" he motioned to whatever was in his hand, and Nessa slowly turned away. Whatever it was, it was between them, and Nessa didn't want to push Alex right now.

"No." Alex replied, nodding toward Nessa who was sitting next to him.

"Hey, Alex!" a girl in the jazz band called out. "Take the A-train – with your solo."

Alex took this opportunity to cut Clay off and go back to the band's setup.

"I guess if I'm gonna be happy, may as well do it with the Duke." Alex said as he walked away with Nessa, who returned to the spot at the front with Zach.

"Alex, we hadn't talked since you two got together. And then, it seemed like maybe you might not be together anymore. Is that why you did it, Alex?

Maybe, Alex, you were just being a dick. Alex, maybe you think I'm being silly, like I get my titties in a twist over the tiniest things. But you didn't walk that hall. You didn't feel those eyes on you. You've never heard those whispers."

Nessa sat in Communications class in her three desk group with Zach and Justin. That day, Zach walked into class and slid a paper onto the table. Nessa crouched over her desk along with Justin as they scanned the crumpled piece of paper.

"Best tits, of fucking course." Nessa said as she saw her name on the Hot-or-Not list.

"I would agree." Justin said smoothly, earning a slap on the shoulder from Zach as they scanned the list together.

"I'm going to kill whoever made this shit, man." Zach hissed. Usually he would eat something like this up, but when it came to his sister, he didn't play games.

"I'll be fine, Zach." Nessa said. "At least it wasn't 'worst tits'"

"Oh, my God." Angie Romero said from behind the group. "Hannah Baker?"

Nessa moved her eyes down the list until she saw Hannah's name under "best ass", alongside Jessica Davis' name, who was under "worst ass''". Yikes, she thought to herself. She watched as the paper got passed around, eventually to Hannah. Nessa noticed how her facial expression changed from solemn to complete embarrassment. Sure, they weren't close friends anymore, but she felt bad.

She at least had the guys to defend her, if anyone dared to touch her. Hannah had no one.

"At first I thought, what a stupid list. Jessica is so much prettier than me. I didn't think of the chaos it would cause."

Nessa watched as Hannah got up from her chair, tossing the piece of paper in the trash can as the rest of the class watched her.

"Hannah, I need your seat in a chair." Mrs. Bradley said, and the class began to laugh.

"God, you guys are immature!" Nessa spoke up, embarrassed for her former friend.

"But it was just a joke, right Alex? You think I'm taking it all way too seriously. But here's the thing – you've never been a girl."

Nessa walked through the hallways after Communications class, noticing the looks she was getting. Guys she had never even spoken to or seen before were gesturing at her chest, or staring for far too long. For the rest of the day, at least one of the guys walked her to every class. Just to make sure they were there to take care of someone who tried anything.

"Quit fucking looking." Zach would snap at two freshmen boys, who immediately turned away at the sound of his voice.

"Do that again, and you won't be able to have kids in the future." Montgomery had hissed at a sophomore baseball player that gestured at his chest when Nessa walked by.

She was making her way down the halls with Justin in tow when she saw a boy come up and slap Hannah Baker on the ass. She paused, looking around with a defeated look on her face as she realized what had just happened to her.

"I'm not the only one who needs defense, you know." Nessa told Justin as she gestured to Hannah, walking away from the boy to go and comfort her former friend.

"You remember what it was like, right Nessa? Well, at least you had bodyguards. But, I appreciate you standing up for me. It didn't go unnoticed.

You want evidence, Alex? You want storm clouds and thunder? The Blue Spot Liquor Store. Where butterfly met hurricane. The Blue Spot was a half a mile away from my first house here. And I went there whenever I desperately needed chocolate, which was like, most days of the week.

It seems like nothing, until the hurricane hits. Because when you put my name on that list, you put a target on my...well it wasn't just my ass. You made it open season on Hannah Baker."