The Night We Met.

CHAPTER ONE: Do you still love me?

Whenever i'm asked the question 'Do you think people regret jumping last second?', i don't really know what to say, i mean the basic answer's yes, But the main thing is: 'why would someone get so bad they're lead to suicide?' I don't think anyone deserves to be pushed into killing themselves. But others are left with no choice. Because even a horrible person has a reason why they're horrible. Maybe they went down the wrong path and chose drugs over love, or got dropped by all their friends who chose to go down that path. But some people don't have a choice, their sole purpose to be here is to go down the wrong path. But even if all your friends do drop you, why commit? Life moves on, whether you refuse help or accept it. Plus, some people are put into your life not to stay, but to teach you a lesson, or help you create a story. No matter how much that person leaving may hurt, sometimes you just need to accept shit and move on. But no, i don't think people deserve to be lead to suicide. But yes, i think people regret jumping last second, or taking those pills last second, or regret sending that last paragraph not knowing if they're ever going to wake up the next morning to check the reply to the 'i'm sorry man, i'll love you forever and please remember that' message. Because i know that it's a gut dropping feeling. Some people try their hardest in life, but end up flying early anyway, and i don't think anyone deserves that. But some people also do deserve to just be put out their misery, but as someone who's lost multiple to suicide, it does hurt, A lot more than people may think. Because the first stage is sadness, then anger, then regret. You'll be sad that their dead, then you'll be angry they left you, then you'll regret not being able to save them, especially if they left on bad terms. But the last stage is the worst, acceptance. Which means you can get over that person, but their soul will be near you at all times, broken by the fact you've managed to get over their death. It's like staring at the mother fucker who ruined your mental health and still plays victim in all situations, making you loose your friends. I personally despise those kind of people, especially dating one of those people. My names vanessa, vava as a nickname. I'm thirteen years old and i don't really know what to do with my life anymore.

I turn 14 in 67 days,August 27th. I didn't think i'd make it past twelve. Considering how many attempts i've done. Overdose, Hanging, Suffocating, late night walks, the lot. None of them worked. It wasn't until i turned to God that things kind of started to look up, i guess.

I'm dating this girl right now, her names Lana. I hate her, i've never hated someone more, but i also love her with all my heart. How could someone destroy me mentally but also build me mentally? I've lost track of how many times i've blocked her, but i've also lost track on how many times i've told her she's the only one for me. She's a horrible person, but everyone's a horrible person for a reason, right? Maybe she just doesn't like to deal with me because of my issues, maybe it's my fault that i hate her but also love her at the same time. I want to be her only admirer, but i also want there to be someone else for her, so i don't have to be the one to leave her. She tells me every morning she loves me, but she tells me every night i'm the worst person she's ever met. When i see a message from her a weight lifts off my shoulders, but my heart also drops to my stomach, and i don't know what to do.

The leafs crunch under my feet, whilst my thighs rub together as i walk and sweat drips down my forehead, i look up, to see the clouds and the beautiful sky above me. Walks home can make you realise so much sometimes, How beautiful nature can actually be, how amazing birds can sing, how funny grass can dance, how unfair it was for you to feel the way you felt that one night. I didn't deserve it, i don't deserve to feel this way, My life's too short to be embarrassed about little things, I just need to keep on taking steps, and shit will get better, that's what Millie promised me anyways, Millies my favourite person, she's the definition of 'Soulmates can be platonic'. She's gorgeous, funny,kind, amazing. Everybody needs a Millie in their life, and i'm so lucky i have mine.

I pause my music and swap onto a call with her,

"yo yo sphagettio" i grin, letting some of my hair fall infront of my ear.

Millie bursts out laughing, and just like that it's a normal conversation. Millies the kind of girl you can be instantly comfortable around, even if it's meant to be awkward. Just don't look at her in serious situations, and you'll be good.

Talking of best friends, After a while i hop off call with Millie, and go to text my boy best friend, Jake. Sometimes i just like to tell my friends how much i love them, So i click on his instagram

'This user has blocked you.'

oh, okay.

I don't actually know what i did, i mean, i knew he was mad at me because i was getting groomed and i didn't want to block the groomer, but shouldn't he feel bad for me? not anger? but i suppose i can't surround myself with fake friends, just because they were a true one at some point.

I shrug it off before wiping my eyes, opening my side gate and closing it behind me, My mum shouldn't be home for another hour yet, so i take the key and unlock the door. But something feels wrong, like something's missing. I shrug it off again and throw my bag onto the sofa, before kicking my shoes off. But i can't cling onto that feeling. I feel empty, like i'll look in the mirror and i don't see myself anymore, i just see a body staring back at me. I've never felt that, so why now?

Jake. My eyes open wider, as it hits me that i've just lost my best friend.

jake? what did i do to you? what did i do to deserve this? Why are you doing this to me?

suddenly i feel the tears start rolling down my cheeks, then my neck, then into my shirt, covering it. I run to the shelf and grab the knife, before heading into the bathroom and locking the door. My screams and sounds of me crying blocking out any other noise, and before i know it, i look down at my legs and see nothing but red, bloods everywhere. not out of anger, but out of disgust, disbelief, disappointment. Why would he leave me, when i needed him the most? Do you think if i changed, i could ask him 'Do you still love me?'

would he still love me if i changed?

i'll change for him, i swear.