Anymore

Chapter 17

Marlena sat on an old and worn bench, watching the boats come and go. She spoke softly to herself. "I love it here... whenever I am missing you I come here. This is one of our many special places... but probably the place I feel closest to you when you're not here." She sighed. "It's where I came back to you..." She sat back heavily and sighed. "All the time that we were together, and even when we weren't... I felt so connected to you. Like our souls were bonded together... our hearts and souls were one. The five years I was gone, that feeling never changed. And I clung to it... because I knew I would get back to you... or die trying. And I did it... I made it back! But everything fell apart." She wiped her eyes and blinked rapidly hoping to stop the tears.

She stood up and walked to the edge of the pier. "The five years away was easier... being away from you and still having that hope. Hope of seeing your beautiful face, hope of seeing you smile, or feeling your arms around me. Just the hope of feeling your love again. But this... this is killing me. I don't feel that hope anymore... I don't feel our connection and it feels like my soul is being crushed."

Marlena walked back over to the bench and sat. She leaned her head back gently and looked at the sky and whispered. "Why couldn't you at least write me back..."

She closed her eyes as her memory drifted back to that day in her office, after the board meeting.

~~~~~

Marlena stormed into her office lobby in a huff. "Cynthia, I am done with appointments for the day. If anyone calls, can you just take a message please."

Cynthia smiled. "Of course Dr. Evan's."

Marlena went into the office gently slamming the door behind her. "He is such a pompous ass! I swear Victor gets some kind of pleasure out of irritating me. I don't know how John tolerates him!" She flopped down in her chair and sighed. "John..."

She opened her desk drawer and pulled out the envelope Carrie had given her to deliver to the pub. Then she pulled out the pad of paper she shoved in there as well, setting it down and grabbing a pen.

My Dearest John,

I... I miss you! Sorry, probably not the best way to start this letter, but it's true... I miss you and Brady with all my heart. I know the last time we saw each other it was awful and awkward, and please believe me when I say I'm sorry. I am sorry for making you feel less than or that you were a placeholder for Roman as you said. I swear to you... that was never how I felt! I loved YOU then... simply because of who you are. I... I love you now for the same reasons! John, you know that I love you! Things are just so... complicated. You know... I came to your loft the next morning. I wanted to make things right with you. I don't know exactly what "right" would have looked like... but I wanted to try! I still want to try!

She sat the pen down to read what she had written and sighed..."Do I tell him about the baby?" She decided not to throw everything into this letter. Besides... that was a face to face discussion.

I have something to tell you, that for some reason I just could never say. I don't know if it was out of fear or loyalty to Roman... but I want to write it down in case maybe someday our lives take a turn down a road we can't see right now. I've been so confused John, because I believe with all my heart that there's one soul on this earth that was meant for mine... and I believe with every fiber of my being that it's you. I believe that our hearts were meant to be one honey. But if you're gone for good... what will I do? What will I do knowing that I'll never love anyone as much as I love you?

I want us to work this out, I want another chance. I swear if I ever get the chance to hold you again I will never let go. Please... PLEASE come home. For crying out loud I have to slip this letter into the ones the girls send you because I don't even know where you are. Are you safe? Are you happy? Is Brady walking yet? Honey, I'm begging you... please come home. We miss you and we need you here... your family wants you here! And I know what you're thinking and I want you to stop. We ARE your family... we always will be no matter where you go!

At the very least please get in touch with me... I need to hear your voice and I need to know you are okay... that Brady is okay!

All my love,

Doc

~~~~~

Marlena was brought out of her thoughts when she heard the creek of the old wooden stairs. She watched as Laura came and sat gently beside her not saying a word. Minutes went by when Marlena realized that Laura wouldn't say anything. "Were the girls looking for me?"

Laura smiled gently. "No Eric called, and the girls got to talking with him about everything they were going to do this summer." Laura glanced at her friend's tear stained face. "Are you okay?"

Marlena wiped her face. "No... I don't know what to do Laura."

"About?"

Marlena glanced at her, rolling her eyes. "John... I feel like I am dying inside a little more everyday he's gone. I know that sounds insane."

Laura scooted closer and wrapped her arm around Marlena's shoulder. "No, not insane. To me, it sounds like love honey."

Marlena sobbed heavily, burying her face in her hands. She drew a shuddered breath. "Oh God Laura... I do love him! More than I ever thought it was possible to love another human being other than my children. I love him so much, and I made him hate me. I drove him away!"

Laura rubbed her back. "Honey... what is bringing all this up?"

Marlena sniffed back more tears. "The letters... the ones the girls just got from John."

Laura nodded. "Okay...but why now? I mean if they have been getting them for months..."

Marlena turned her body to face Laura. "That day... the day of the board meeting. Carrie had come by to visit beforehand... and before she left she asked me to drop their letters off at the pub to be picked up by Austin." She glanced down at her hands and whispered. "The envelope wasn't sealed so..."

"Oh honey... you didn't?"

Marlena looked up quickly and grabbed Laura's hand. "I HAD to Laura!" She walked over to the pier's edge. "I had to at least try and explain... apologize. I poured my heart out in that letter. More than any married woman should do to a man that isn't her husband." She turned to face her friend.

Laura smiled sadly and nodded her understanding. "And he didn't write back..."

Marlena turned back towards the water. "No... he didn't." She smiled ruefully. "I have taken John for granted all these years... I took our love for granted. It never occurred to me that he could walk away from me... from our love."

Laura stood and walked over to where Marlena stood facing the water. She placed her hands on her shoulders and squeezed gently. "Everyone has a breaking point honey."

Marlena turned and smiled sadly. "Yeah... and I drove John to his." She dried her face with both hands and tipped her head back letting the breeze blow over her damp cheeks. "How do I do this Laura? How do I move on from the love of my life? How do I let him go?"

Laura smiled. "Why do you have to move on and let him go?"

Marlena laughed grimly. "Uh... he won't speak to me? I have no idea where he is... I mean take your pick."

Laura laughed gently. She wrapped her arm around Marlena's waist and guided her towards the stairs. "Oh my dear friend... what is it that Alice always says? If love is meant to be, it will find a way! You need to take this time in Italy to rest, regroup and reevaluate! A lot of things have been changing in your life... you need to take this time and come to terms with those things."

They ascend the stairs as Marlena rests her head on Laura's shoulder. "Thank you, for being my friend."

Laura rests her head atop Marlena's. "Always. I mean who knows, as much as you fought against it, maybe this trip to Italy is just what you need."

Marlena laughed. "Well at the very least, I can do some shopping."

Laura laughed. "That's my girl!"